suicidality as the essential element of life- the art of letting it go

[dinosavr]

After 6 months of therapy and 10 months of active suicidal ideation, I've opened up to my therapist about it. I told her the truth which was obviously incredibly difficult because I didn't know what reaction she'd have. And of course, sadly though, she didn't offer to assist me with my death :') and she said she's happy I didn't give up on my life yet, that any reason I have that makes me stay alive is a good reason, she informed me again about possible solutions for when it gets worse.
And it's super hard for me to accept her approach and try to create an impression that I'm interested too in turning "towards life". It definitely helped me anyway. Sharing this burden with someone I trust is quite relieving. It also makes it way more realistic. Like, wow!! It's outside my head now. Can't believe it.
But it's so hardddd to let it all go. Some people are scared of their suicidality and want to escape it at all cost, but I DON'T. I so do not want to escape it. Death makes much more sense to me than life and it's much easier, right? But I guess I'll have to figure out a way to resolve it. I want to want to believe that I might live happen . The problem is that even if I do, I still would rather die and not care about anything, ever, anymore :(
But luckily enough, I'm way more worried about other people's feelings than mine so I'll continue with deluding myself to life and I'll really try to believe them. For what it's worth, I usually end up being wrong. Maybe it's safe to assume so here too.

 

[Not A Fan]

I know what you mean about just not feeling up to making the effort, what could possibly be worth it?

Not that I deny life can have beautiful moments... but actually living it is another story. It seems to require more than I am willing to give in exchange for what you get. There is something relieving about getting it out of your head, as long as the person on the other end doesn't overreact. Glad your therapist was nice to you.