crowbait
they/them
- Oct 4, 2022
- 65
I'm feeling introspective tonight and wanting to see if I'm understanding my feelings right and if others feel the same way.
My whole life I've been very certain I have OCD though have yet to get tested despite how much my compulsions have wrecked my life, and when I turned 18 my obsessive thoughts began to focus entirely on death and cancer. So now I'm a rabidly suicidal person scared of death and dying. I think about how scary death is for hours every day. I research it for hours. I also think suicide is illogical for me because "something is better than nothing". If I die I will never experience things like cuddling, sex, music, food, anything ever again, and I'll die eventually anyways of "natural" causes. Yet I'm, as previously mentioned, very suicidal. I've tried to kill myself multiple times and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 9. I pretty much always have a plan to CTB.
So I'm trying to figure out how these things can coexist. Is it maybe that I want to kill myself as some ultimate form of self-harm? My self-hatred fuels my self-harm. Maybe there's an attention aspect to it too. and I can't lie, I often fantasize about how upset people will be when I die- not my close friends, that feels too cruel (I have a close friend with PTSD from an ex CTBing, the thought of retraumatizing him actually makes me feel sick). I fantasize about people who wronged me crying about my death and regretting what they did, I fantasize about having people care about me, about me affecting them and not just being a meaningless useless lump nobody cares about. I dream about being a ghost watching acquaintances reminisce about me.
When I get suicidal, there are no rational thoughts. It's just a feeling, a blank impulse, a raw emotion. Something mildly bad happens and my BPD brain does not even conceive of another possible solution. And then I exit the episode and my obsessive intrusive thoughts burst in and I'm scared to death of this nothingness awaiting me, god it's just so exhausting. I don't know why I'm like this. And in a stupid way, I think I'd like to live forever sometimes. When I'm curled up in my person's arms or exploring nature I want to just have a neverending existence like that. It makes me wonder if I'm even really suicidal.
My whole life I've been very certain I have OCD though have yet to get tested despite how much my compulsions have wrecked my life, and when I turned 18 my obsessive thoughts began to focus entirely on death and cancer. So now I'm a rabidly suicidal person scared of death and dying. I think about how scary death is for hours every day. I research it for hours. I also think suicide is illogical for me because "something is better than nothing". If I die I will never experience things like cuddling, sex, music, food, anything ever again, and I'll die eventually anyways of "natural" causes. Yet I'm, as previously mentioned, very suicidal. I've tried to kill myself multiple times and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 9. I pretty much always have a plan to CTB.
So I'm trying to figure out how these things can coexist. Is it maybe that I want to kill myself as some ultimate form of self-harm? My self-hatred fuels my self-harm. Maybe there's an attention aspect to it too. and I can't lie, I often fantasize about how upset people will be when I die- not my close friends, that feels too cruel (I have a close friend with PTSD from an ex CTBing, the thought of retraumatizing him actually makes me feel sick). I fantasize about people who wronged me crying about my death and regretting what they did, I fantasize about having people care about me, about me affecting them and not just being a meaningless useless lump nobody cares about. I dream about being a ghost watching acquaintances reminisce about me.
When I get suicidal, there are no rational thoughts. It's just a feeling, a blank impulse, a raw emotion. Something mildly bad happens and my BPD brain does not even conceive of another possible solution. And then I exit the episode and my obsessive intrusive thoughts burst in and I'm scared to death of this nothingness awaiting me, god it's just so exhausting. I don't know why I'm like this. And in a stupid way, I think I'd like to live forever sometimes. When I'm curled up in my person's arms or exploring nature I want to just have a neverending existence like that. It makes me wonder if I'm even really suicidal.
