zomboy
Member
- Dec 30, 2019
- 5
from the moment I was born my mother hated me. she refused to touch me any more than she had to. she told me a lot about wanting to kill me as a child. but she didn't want to tell anyone, in case they'd take me from her.
I was born wrong, in many ways. i was sickly, intersexed, and with a brain that never matched how people saw me. the doctors assigned me female because that's what my body appeared to tend toward, but I'd always felt i was truly male. as i aged my body agreed and i went through a strange male puberty. but it couldn't reverse the damage that was done. i look like a freak now. something not quite male, not quite female. nothing like the man i know myself to be in my heart.
my family ignored the uncontrollable physical changes i was going through as best they could, but when i opened up to them about my real gender, i was met with hostility. as soon as i was old enough my mother said she wanted me out. this was fine with me. I thought I'd be free. free to finally pursue the treatments and surgeries to finalize the transition my own body started.
but almost a country away from her and not a second have i been free from the damage she did to me. i know there was a lot of abuse. it's just so hard to remember most of it. every time I do i fall apart. I can't think about it. I'm constantly drinking, high, having sex, or hurting myself to distract me from it.
a psychiatrist said i have PTSD. I don't want to even begin to unpack any of that.
I can't transition until I do this. not until I'm "better", the endocrinologist says. but there's no getting better for me. I despise what i am. I wish I had never been born like this. on top of everything, I cannot even be a normal man. I'm not straight. I've only ever been attracted to other men and I can't seem to make it stop. I wish there was a cure for whatever is wrong with me, but increasingly it seems like only death is the answer.
lately I've been missing vital doses of medications. I'm very ill, and always in pain. I think I'm tempting death at this point, hoping it's going to bite. right now i can't be the one to do it myself. I don't know why, I have all the reasons to do it. I've been scrolling through threads here, methods of ways to do it. like I'm trying to encourage myself.
but it just doesn't seem to be the right time for me to do it yet. maybe staying here I will figure out when that is, or if i will ever decide to go through with it. I've always flirted with death since I was young, but I'm never sure if I'll commit. I want to finally decide.
thank you for taking the time to read this if you've gotten to this point. i appreciate it.
I was born wrong, in many ways. i was sickly, intersexed, and with a brain that never matched how people saw me. the doctors assigned me female because that's what my body appeared to tend toward, but I'd always felt i was truly male. as i aged my body agreed and i went through a strange male puberty. but it couldn't reverse the damage that was done. i look like a freak now. something not quite male, not quite female. nothing like the man i know myself to be in my heart.
my family ignored the uncontrollable physical changes i was going through as best they could, but when i opened up to them about my real gender, i was met with hostility. as soon as i was old enough my mother said she wanted me out. this was fine with me. I thought I'd be free. free to finally pursue the treatments and surgeries to finalize the transition my own body started.
but almost a country away from her and not a second have i been free from the damage she did to me. i know there was a lot of abuse. it's just so hard to remember most of it. every time I do i fall apart. I can't think about it. I'm constantly drinking, high, having sex, or hurting myself to distract me from it.
a psychiatrist said i have PTSD. I don't want to even begin to unpack any of that.
I can't transition until I do this. not until I'm "better", the endocrinologist says. but there's no getting better for me. I despise what i am. I wish I had never been born like this. on top of everything, I cannot even be a normal man. I'm not straight. I've only ever been attracted to other men and I can't seem to make it stop. I wish there was a cure for whatever is wrong with me, but increasingly it seems like only death is the answer.
lately I've been missing vital doses of medications. I'm very ill, and always in pain. I think I'm tempting death at this point, hoping it's going to bite. right now i can't be the one to do it myself. I don't know why, I have all the reasons to do it. I've been scrolling through threads here, methods of ways to do it. like I'm trying to encourage myself.
but it just doesn't seem to be the right time for me to do it yet. maybe staying here I will figure out when that is, or if i will ever decide to go through with it. I've always flirted with death since I was young, but I'm never sure if I'll commit. I want to finally decide.
thank you for taking the time to read this if you've gotten to this point. i appreciate it.
