Venting suicidal thoughts leaving me feels like a curse in disguise

[spiders.in.my.head]

ive been feeling a bit better as of late, in terms of depression and suicidal thoughts, but it feels more like a curse than a blessing.

when I was sure i would ctb soon, it gave me a sort of peace of mind and made me feel like i didn't need to worry about future responsibilities, because i would be gone soon. now though... i dont want to kill myself, at least not in the near future, and it fills me with dread. this current state feels too good to be true, so I'm just left waiting for reality to kick back in.

i wish i could've just ctb when i wanted to. instead now im left with the burden of the future on my shoulders.

 

[Dawnfang11]

I know exactly how you feel. If you have hope or a willingness to live, I'd encourage you to pursue that. It's hard to pick up the pieces after you've made peace with leaving this Earth. Unfortunately, I have little advice to give, but I wish you peace, whatever that looks like.

 

[Jadotine]

Its great that you have been able to get some peace of mind! If it is currently less painful than it was before, then I would suggest to see where it takes you.

If you still have doubts about CTB, then I don't think rushing into it is a great idea
If the pain becomes unbearable again, then I would think that you'll be able to think about that afterwards :)
Try to make the best of this moment of respite

Good luck on whatever you are going through