Jovaras
Student
- Oct 3, 2018
- 124
I had suicidal thoughts since I was ~4, I have even told my parents in that age what I will kill my self before I get old. my reasoning was that I don't can be bothered with the problems what old age gives you.
beside that all my life the only thing what helped me to go through life was the idea what I can end this at any point...
My childhood wasn't good at all, I have very bad relationship with my parents because they are toxic (everyone I know and know them, agrees with me and usually even impressed what I am in speaking terms with them at all) and the bad thing is what on paper they are great, they have both highest education, and in general above average smart, but they both stupid in everything everyday life, they are socially retarded and out of place.
I have been seen by 9 psychiatrists what I started seeing from 27, nobody was able to give me a clear diagnosis besides ptsd, and 8 out of 9 was completely under-qualified to deal with my case and help my in any way possible, 1 of them I am still trying because he is head above the average psychiatrist in his qualification and talent and 1 psychiatrist who thought what can help me, didn't even know what many people the idea of suicide is the driving force to stay alive at all. All the rest was told me what they are under-qualified to deal with me and don't even know anyone who can help me. 2 of them told me what they understand and think what suicide it is justified in my case, and 1 of them even told me what he would kill him self long time ago if he was in my place, even 1 psychiatrist made a refund.
Beside that all the drugs don't work at all (like I don't even take them) only some side effects are have effect on me... even lithium didn't had any effect on me.
so it is not a lack of trying to find a will to continue and my nihilism its not helping at all
beside that all my life the only thing what helped me to go through life was the idea what I can end this at any point...
My childhood wasn't good at all, I have very bad relationship with my parents because they are toxic (everyone I know and know them, agrees with me and usually even impressed what I am in speaking terms with them at all) and the bad thing is what on paper they are great, they have both highest education, and in general above average smart, but they both stupid in everything everyday life, they are socially retarded and out of place.
I have been seen by 9 psychiatrists what I started seeing from 27, nobody was able to give me a clear diagnosis besides ptsd, and 8 out of 9 was completely under-qualified to deal with my case and help my in any way possible, 1 of them I am still trying because he is head above the average psychiatrist in his qualification and talent and 1 psychiatrist who thought what can help me, didn't even know what many people the idea of suicide is the driving force to stay alive at all. All the rest was told me what they are under-qualified to deal with me and don't even know anyone who can help me. 2 of them told me what they understand and think what suicide it is justified in my case, and 1 of them even told me what he would kill him self long time ago if he was in my place, even 1 psychiatrist made a refund.
Beside that all the drugs don't work at all (like I don't even take them) only some side effects are have effect on me... even lithium didn't had any effect on me.
so it is not a lack of trying to find a will to continue and my nihilism its not helping at all
