I have many parts of my life which are unbearable, some I can do some things about, many I can't. I have a recurring illness which is uncurable but comes up rarely and is horrible when it does. I am missing a little part of my vision. I am well below average on some part of my physical average (height) which makes me very self conscious and almost impossible to have a partner. I also have a job that while it pays well is killing me with the level of stress and anxiety it brings me. The situation with my family (who I don't live with) is getting really bad and almost hopeless and I seem to be able to do nothing about it. Biologically I cannot have kids. I have been suffering from recurring crippling anxiety and when I've taken meds for it I cease to feel any emotion or will to enjoy life or even live. I have had to hide lots of secrets in my life which have slowly been eating away at me. And I feel everyday I get closer to ending it. I'm extremely sensitive and find the world to be a horrible place seeing such horrible things that humans do. I am currently at the point with the amount of stress, anxiety, and severe depression - I cannot bring myself to find any more meaning in life. It's all too much. The sad parts is the things that I cannot change in life are very important, and even the things I can "technically" like my job that's killing me psychologically, I can't get out of and I can't afford to stop working.
I have accomplished some amazing things in life that not even 1% of the population have, and I know I'm very intelligent (I have a very high tested IQ). But everything in my life has brought me to this point where every day, more and more of my time is spend on just wanting to end it. When I go to sleep at night, I dread having to think about ever waking up again. I get up in the middle of my sleep at night, knowing I have to face another day, and feel line ending it there and then. But then when during the day I get to spend time with people I like or do little things I enjoy, that cloud lifts temporarily (like this afternoon when we were sitting out in the sun having lunch with people I like). But then I know that's very temporary as the problems in my life don't go away and as soon as I'm back home I'm ready to die. I have a full peaceful pill nitrogen kit set up and ready to go. I have it sitting next to my bed and I regularly almost use it nearly daily. But then I say maybe one more day. But just knowing that I have it brings me huge relieve - at least there is a way out. I have a pretty good salary, so I play the lottery quite often just in case by some rare odd chance I win - as that could let me solve a very large number of problems I currently have. I know it's not rational, but I also know that that sliver of a possibility that I may wake up Wednesday have a big chunk of my problems (fixable with significant amounts of money) go away - it's one of the few things that's preventing me from killing myself today. So in a way, it's a psychological investment in helping me sustain my life (healthy or not). But ultimately I also know we're completely insignificant at the scale of the universe, and nothing matters...and it'll all be over soon anyway. So why prolongue the suffering? Although if somehow things could be solved, I know there are lots of things I love in life when I don't have this stress, anxiety, depression and all these other legitimate factors at the core of it. I love art, singing, socialising, learning everything, travelling, languages, culture...so many things. I can't bring myself to do any of these now as it all seems futile in my current state. I put up a facade of assurance and positivity when I'm at work everyday, knowing that the moment I walk back through my doors, there is my nitrogen kit waiting for me and that I really, really, really just want to use it and get it over with. I have no one I can confide in with this as the few close family members I have are all dealing with severe problems and I really feel ashamed to talk about this to anyone due to how society has been constructed to make us feel about this subject. Maybe this will be the last message I write before I take my life in a few hours. Or maybe I'll live until 120. Everyday that passes, I'm more and more convinced of ending it soon, I spend more and more time during my day thinking about it, and the closer and closer I get to doing it. As I write this I know the tank is a meter away from me and I'm tempted. I'm glad I found this site though - I really don't think how judgemental and filtered the internet has become helps people like me/us in any way by isolating our thoughts within our minds. I'm glad I was able to write this somewhere without feeling judge or silenced.
I have accomplished some amazing things in life that not even 1% of the population have, and I know I'm very intelligent (I have a very high tested IQ). But everything in my life has brought me to this point where every day, more and more of my time is spend on just wanting to end it. When I go to sleep at night, I dread having to think about ever waking up again. I get up in the middle of my sleep at night, knowing I have to face another day, and feel line ending it there and then. But then when during the day I get to spend time with people I like or do little things I enjoy, that cloud lifts temporarily (like this afternoon when we were sitting out in the sun having lunch with people I like). But then I know that's very temporary as the problems in my life don't go away and as soon as I'm back home I'm ready to die. I have a full peaceful pill nitrogen kit set up and ready to go. I have it sitting next to my bed and I regularly almost use it nearly daily. But then I say maybe one more day. But just knowing that I have it brings me huge relieve - at least there is a way out. I have a pretty good salary, so I play the lottery quite often just in case by some rare odd chance I win - as that could let me solve a very large number of problems I currently have. I know it's not rational, but I also know that that sliver of a possibility that I may wake up Wednesday have a big chunk of my problems (fixable with significant amounts of money) go away - it's one of the few things that's preventing me from killing myself today. So in a way, it's a psychological investment in helping me sustain my life (healthy or not). But ultimately I also know we're completely insignificant at the scale of the universe, and nothing matters...and it'll all be over soon anyway. So why prolongue the suffering? Although if somehow things could be solved, I know there are lots of things I love in life when I don't have this stress, anxiety, depression and all these other legitimate factors at the core of it. I love art, singing, socialising, learning everything, travelling, languages, culture...so many things. I can't bring myself to do any of these now as it all seems futile in my current state. I put up a facade of assurance and positivity when I'm at work everyday, knowing that the moment I walk back through my doors, there is my nitrogen kit waiting for me and that I really, really, really just want to use it and get it over with. I have no one I can confide in with this as the few close family members I have are all dealing with severe problems and I really feel ashamed to talk about this to anyone due to how society has been constructed to make us feel about this subject. Maybe this will be the last message I write before I take my life in a few hours. Or maybe I'll live until 120. Everyday that passes, I'm more and more convinced of ending it soon, I spend more and more time during my day thinking about it, and the closer and closer I get to doing it. As I write this I know the tank is a meter away from me and I'm tempted. I'm glad I found this site though - I really don't think how judgemental and filtered the internet has become helps people like me/us in any way by isolating our thoughts within our minds. I'm glad I was able to write this somewhere without feeling judge or silenced.
