Story Suicidal OCD

[Isaaccove]

If you know what OCD (or obsessive compulsive disorder) is, you'll have an idea of what happens when you add the word "suicidal" to the front of it. It's technically an unofficial subtype of ANOTHER subtype of OCD known as harm OCD

Context that is way shorter than it needs to be or else it would be an autobiography: I basically thought about/considered suicide so much throughout my childhood that my brain seemed to… mutate in a sense. Now… no matter how happy, sad, angry, or silly i'm feeling- I can't stop thinking about suicide.

I mean this as literal as possible, as I've naturally become an expert at hiding it, I could be talking to friends and they have no idea that I'm constantly suppressing suicidal thoughts at the back of my mind. Sometimes… I can be "triggered" by something. When this happens, I fall into what I now believe is a catatonic state or "suicidal episode". During these episodes which can be many hours long, my mind edges SO close to being actively suicidal without actually passing that line. Oh yeah I should mention- it's a constant state of passive Si.

A lot of the time I get used to it, sometimes it becomes more annoying than distressing, and sometimes… I become desperate. Last night was the worst one I've had in a while. I tried and I think managed to acess the dark web looking for suicide chat rooms. No cigar so I gave up. I then had a dream last night of someone (not me) screaming while cutting their own throat- yikes because I've never had a dream like that before (surprisingly). I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this- maybe I'll come across someone else who is similar

 

[emgrl]

You could look your dream up, for some further clarity as to what that is supposed to mean in dreams, might give some clues and more insight? I'm sorry you're living like this, I hope you find some peace soon

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really tiring. This life can certainly be depressing as there's no real escape from ourselves and our thoughts as long as we exist. I wish you relief.

 

[Unwr!tten]

I have OCD and I have suicidal intrusive thoughts all the time among other things, but this one random intrusive thought that comes and eats at me is imagining myself jumping out of the twin towers on 9/11.

Ever since last September, when I decided to really research it to pay respects to the victims properly, since I couldn't when it happened, being a baby and all, I watched a lot of videos on it and I saw people jumping out of the towers and I felt something in my heart and stomach, like jealously.

I know it's not fair because those people may not have wanted to die, but man, what a sure fire way to go. There's no survival chance from an 80+ story drop.

 

[sheepgirl]

Sometimes I wonder if I have this. My suicidal thoughts are so intrusive, obsessive and repetitive. Once I have the thoughts in my head it doesn't go away till I act on it

 

[ThroughTheLight]

I reckon I might have this too - though not as bad as yours. Most days I constantly think about dying, especially as a way to entertain myself when I'm bored. Being run over by a car, jumping off a cliff, etc. I'm sure no-one has any idea, as I somehow act cheerful in front of everyone else.