Trying to not make this a long ass story but feel free to ask questions and I will answer them in the replies but I don't want to bore everyone. I'm 24 and I know it's not unusual for a young female suffering with depression to feel as though they are stuck with no way out. I've heard the success stories from those in my position and I keep them in mind when I am feeling despaired, but I mean it when I tell you I am so goddamn tired. I have a hatred for society and the 'system' but I don't know where it came from. I once believed it was a spiritual awakening and that my eyes were open but now I just think I'm another deadbeat, not really going anywhere or being of benefit to society, which is what the 'system' requires and honestly I don't care. If life is a game I don't want to play.
My long time suicidal ideation has very recently turned into such a longing that sometimes I think it's coming any day now. If I didn't have ADHD I would have been packed up and sorted by now, but every time an opportunity to do it arises, nothing is ready. I need it to be a done deal, so my notes need to be in order, my clothes ready and bagged, everything boxed, my things ready to give or throw away. The last time I made a very real suicide attempt I did all of that. My University dorm was bare and stripped of everything, my clothes folded on my bed, everything washed, all my things packed up and a list of where I wanted them to go on show. No rubbish, nothing for anybody to have to sort through or tidy, because the pain of losing me will already be so unbearable, I wanted the rest of it to be as hassle free as possible. It took me days and it was so difficult to prepare. So you can imagine my agony when it never came to be. Again if you want to know anything just ask.
My point being once again I am in that headspace, that although for the past who knows how many years I have imagined dying in every way possible, this time I plan it. I'm not sure what help I am asking for, because I am not sure if I want to get out of this again or if I want to go ahead with it. I have family who will despair, which had kept me going in the past. But I sure am at breaking point and all I can think about all the time is doing it. Sometimes I want it so bad I think about doing it on impulse, because in some moments I am SO sure I want out that I don't think I can wait another second, which means leaving a hell of a lot for everyone to sort out before letting me go. I can't put them through that. I just don't know what to do. If I am as sure as I can possibly be, why can't I just get it done. At the moment I am waiting, ready for that ONE final thing to push me over the edge. Lose my job, my money, my home, anything. Just something that will help me make the decision and finally get round to tidying my mess of a room up (in my shared apartment), and deciding what to do with all my things. God I'm so desperate.
My long time suicidal ideation has very recently turned into such a longing that sometimes I think it's coming any day now. If I didn't have ADHD I would have been packed up and sorted by now, but every time an opportunity to do it arises, nothing is ready. I need it to be a done deal, so my notes need to be in order, my clothes ready and bagged, everything boxed, my things ready to give or throw away. The last time I made a very real suicide attempt I did all of that. My University dorm was bare and stripped of everything, my clothes folded on my bed, everything washed, all my things packed up and a list of where I wanted them to go on show. No rubbish, nothing for anybody to have to sort through or tidy, because the pain of losing me will already be so unbearable, I wanted the rest of it to be as hassle free as possible. It took me days and it was so difficult to prepare. So you can imagine my agony when it never came to be. Again if you want to know anything just ask.
My point being once again I am in that headspace, that although for the past who knows how many years I have imagined dying in every way possible, this time I plan it. I'm not sure what help I am asking for, because I am not sure if I want to get out of this again or if I want to go ahead with it. I have family who will despair, which had kept me going in the past. But I sure am at breaking point and all I can think about all the time is doing it. Sometimes I want it so bad I think about doing it on impulse, because in some moments I am SO sure I want out that I don't think I can wait another second, which means leaving a hell of a lot for everyone to sort out before letting me go. I can't put them through that. I just don't know what to do. If I am as sure as I can possibly be, why can't I just get it done. At the moment I am waiting, ready for that ONE final thing to push me over the edge. Lose my job, my money, my home, anything. Just something that will help me make the decision and finally get round to tidying my mess of a room up (in my shared apartment), and deciding what to do with all my things. God I'm so desperate.
