Suicidal ideation=dopamine release???

[Supersadmommy90]

Okay, so, this might seem like sort of a weird theory, but I find that thinking about suicide actually causes me to feel pleasure and relief, and so I immediately go to the thought of ctb whenever I need a "hit" of relief or pleasure when I am stressed or depressed, or otherwise fed up with life. As many on these forums can imagine, that is on a daily basis. It's to the point where I feel like actually carrying out the act would constitute the ultimate tap-out of this pleasurable feedback loop which has brought me a great deal of comfort and pleasure over the years, like a hamster who taps the dopamine release button so hard that he accidentally starves himself to death. Of course there would be nothing accidental about my ctb. But it's weird that I feel a compulsion or addiction to ctb ideation, it really does provide comfort like nothing else, in the sense that I'm pretty sure that there is some tangible neurochemical release involved in suicidal ideatiion. The way I feel when I crave death is almost like how a junkie craves his drug. It's weird. Any thoughts?

 

[Lethe]

Makes sense to me.

 

[Sunset Limited]

No. Just I have to do it.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

No. Just I have to do it.

Interesting that you expresed that you feel obliged, or that for you a feeling of obligation would be the deciding factor. Does fulfilling this perceived obligation make you feel better, or make the moment seem more tolerable since ctb is your resolution to the present internal conflict in a sense?

I'm trying to be the one in the driver's seat in my own life, but I can't help but notice that my ideation is at times irrational and based on my feelings and overwhelm at the time. I have to talk myself down from the cliff so to speak, because I am aware that it is irrational to want to ctb prior to my sanctuary age. I can't help but to try and psychoanalyze to try to understand myself and other's motivations. Thanks.

 

[Erin Inari]

I sort of have something similar. Whenever I think about suicide I get goose bumps all down my back and arms. Almost shivers. Don't know if thats what you mean but its not uncomfortable but pleasant.

 

[Sadwind]

I like thinking about it because I am allowing myself the sublime feeling of control over my destiny. I just want to hold the power in my hands and wield it. It gives me something to combat feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Interesting that you expresed that you feel obliged, or that for you a feeling of obligation would be the deciding factor. Does fulfilling this perceived obligation make you feel better, or make the moment seem more tolerable since ctb is your resolution to the present internal conflict in a sense?

I'm trying to be the one in the driver's seat in my own life, but I can't help but notice that my ideation is at times irrational and based on my feelings and overwhelm at the time. I have to talk myself down from the cliff so to speak, because I am aware that it is irrational to want to ctb prior to my sanctuary age. I can't help but to try and psychoanalyze to try to understand myself and other's motivations. Thanks.

Thank you. I am 42 years old. I was a musician. I don't want to make music anymore. I have no desire to start something new. If I had a lot of money, I would live.

 

[Yorkshire91]

The thought used to comfort me and bring me peace, now I feel the only way I can get peace is in eternal sleep.

 

[Astral316]

For me suicide ideation generates euphoria so much so that I've wanted to live on for said euphoria. Unfortunately the euphoria went away when the suicide ideation goes away and so I have to want to ctb all over again. I'm at the point now where I realize this and choose not to want to live on for the euphoria... basically I'm at the stage where given the right materials, execution of a ctb plan is likely.

 

[eve2004]

Right now the thoughts are distressing because i have official paperwork to complete and waiting for documents so the waiting and the fact that it's out of my control (when I will get them) is making the suicidal ideation frustrating. Makes me want to do it more.

Also, I was nauseous and really sick all day yesterday, that it's making me re-think the SN method or anything needing anti-nausea. Now when I think of CTB I'm thinking I want to do it in more violent ways (train, subway, gun, jump).

But a few months ago when I decided I was going to do it for sure and started collecting "tools", I felt calmer and thought less about it.
But as soon as my stomach heals (ulcer i think, I threw up blood), I'm sure I'll be back to the chemical methods...

 

[dyingtodie]

I totally relate to the OP. Suicidal ideation is one of the best things going in my life. If I died, I'd no longer be able to fantasize and daydream about death, and that would be a huge loss. It's the best, comfiest, coziest security blanket life has to offer me, and I cherish it as I cherished my childhood teddy bear. But I fear I'll have to put this fantasy to rest in the same way I once outgrew my teddy bear. If fantasizing about it is so comforting, could it be a hint that the real thing is like a million times better? Like sex fantasies vs. sex. One problem I have is that I go so deep into playing out the scene of my death, that it feels like I've died, and then bliss and joy follows which further bind me to my carnal body. I feel like I'm about to go on a long strange trip, far far away, and I'm apprehensive cause I really have no idea where I'm going. I mean, I have some idea based on my NDE's, but still, the next life is gonna be craaaayyyyzzeeeee! In a very good way, I'm almost certain, and I can't wait. I'm mostly here due to fear of pain from ctb, and the idea that I may be an instrument of service to aid the recovery of the rapidly collapsing life support network that Earth once was.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I can relate.

( I'm 55yo , suicidal ideation since around 16yo ? )

I recently encountered the idea of 'career suicidal' on this board ...

( https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-as-a-way-to-take-control.18346/#post-345265
A psychology today article I think .)

I see a connection in the 'soothing' nature of envisioning the ultimate absence of suffering.

( My ideation began I think as a desire to escape as a teen what I had figured out was a massive
amount of abuse that had damaged me in ways I didn't even understand , it was just Universally
Unacceptable ... there was NO remedy , only 'ending it all' .)

Zoom forward to my forties and I'm still doing it ... walking around at work thinking :
"I'm going to kill myself so it doesn't matter ," continueing to ideate as a way to soothe myself
while inside ( what I perceived to be ) an inescapable trap .


I'm wondering if it is related to 'self harming' ? Something I am unfamiliar with personally , but
see some kind of 'self destruction / damaging' relationship with the self that soothes somehow , perhaps by 'empowering' ?

Don't we get a rush from 'mastery' and 'control' ?

The idea that we actually get a chemical hit from it is freaky .
I relate to the hamster .
That lifetime ideation has left me , not dead , but comparatively disadvantaged through
lack of integration into society . But I did get that short term buzz .

 

[RedAlert]

That theory makes sense. The majority of users on SS did not have much control in their lives. They where tossed and flung about by the tornado of life with nothing to hold onto, no control. Even when the individual has escaped the storm, and has found isolation, then mental illness creeps in and enslaves the individual...sometimes for life. Lack of control.

Probably for once in their lifetime, Suicidal ideation gives the individual a sense of absolute control. The absolute solution for ending their misery.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

I always felt like I enjoyed my depressive episodes, they were painful but stimulating. There are probably a lot of endorphins floating around in panicky situations like suicide

 

[Wayfaerer]

Suicidal ideation in my past has been a soothing coping mechanism. Now that suicide is at my doorstep, it has become a living nightmare.

 

[RedAlert]

Suicidal ideation in my past has been a soothing coping mechanism. Now that suicide is at my doorstep, it has become a living nightmare.

What's your method wayfarer?

 

[Wayfaerer]

What's your method wayfarer?

It really depends on a few factors. My first choice is firearm at my preferred location but otherwise I'm looking at H2S in car.

 

[RedAlert]

It really depends on a few factors. My first choice is firearm at my preferred location but otherwise I'm looking at H2S in car.

I'm guessing H2S in car would be less scary and painful for you?

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm guessing H2S in car would be less scary and painful for you?

It's an instant and painless method if you know what you're doing. I just don't know if I can afford the expense of the gun I would want to use. I'd also prefer not to leave a mangled corpse for the sake of my family.