Story Suicidal Episodes

[fallenknoah]

Howdy, First time poster on here, I've been reading through a lot of peoples stories and resources on the site. I found the site a couple of hours ago when at a breaking point and researching two things, the first being the most painless way to die and the second being how to cbt without hurting friends and family. I understand the second one is mostly an impossible thing, but this site would propose otherwise, people on here have objective discussions and understand the feelings and experiences someone has in order to reach a point of wanting to cbt. I personally am tired of life, the constant battle and arguments with myself. Tonight was the lowest I've ever felt in years, however I couldn't shake the burdening guilt of how it would affect my family and friend. That to me, at this time, is a feeling worse than all of the other feelings I have that lead me to considering ctb in the first place. After a few hours of hysteria passes, I calmed down while browsing stories in the sub and have composed myself, I become awash with feelings of embarrassment and stupidity for acting so hysterical and breaking down so much, I will bury this for the next few weeks until the next outburst and breakdown occurs. In my current state of peace I don't want to ctb of course I don't, I recognize there are happy elements at time to my own personal life, I'm just left to wonder if the next breakdown will push me over the edge. I hate this constant cycle and I want it to break but I've tried professional help and it doesn't work, no amount of persuasive words can disprove that the world is in fact just a shitty place.

Does anyone relate to this? Do you bottle it up with shame but breakdown or do people feel on the brink of cbt consistently every second? If that is the case I feel somewhat of an imposter syndrome and ashamed that others have it so much worse.

 

[devin44]

I'm absolutely the same. I live with a fairly heavy dissociative disorder but my life is pretty bearable sometimes - then at others it's incredibly painful. The merry-go-round of wanting/planning to live then die is so exhausting.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Heyyyooo, welcome to the site.

I have borderline personality disorder, which means every few weeks, after LOVING myself, my job, food, slow traffic and even when my meal is made wrong.. and the world and every single living and non-living form of matter ON it.... I want to die.

Pretty great. Fun times.

I, too have these cute little breakdowns and lose my shit for maybe even up to a month, hurting myself to the point of a hospital/ward visit, writing (more) suicide notes, giving away all of my possessions, etc, hating EVERYTHING about everything, but 10x.

You're not alone and you're not fake. You're not an imposter. Your feelings are a thousand percent valid and true. It's okay to feel a little crazy about this cause it's HARD to keep up with that shit.

I'm glad you're calmer now. It's good that you're in even a slightly better place than earlier today. If you ever need to vent, you've found the right place, you're safe on SS and you can always message me with a rant if you don't wanna post it.

Best of luck. Hang in there.

 

[_milo]

Yo I read the title as Suicidal Explosives. I was expecting some sick recipes.