Venting Suicidal emotional crash after a wildly fun experience.

[MyStateKilledMe]

Background:
I signed up for this site to learn to CTB, because I don't want to live under my state's quarantine that has no official end date. However, recently I joined a radical right-wing anti-quarantine group on social media. They liked my posts, so I got invited to their party in an illegally reopened bar, and went. I admit, I was nervous, but was quickly proven wrong.

Summary:
It was surreal!!! Corona beers, junk food, music, dancing, lots of hugs, and real people. No masks. No virtual Zoom crap. No social distancing. I felt like I died and went to heaven!!! I spent all day the next day in a daze, where everything was glowing. All I could think was: "If I got 'Rona and soon keel over from it, I'll keel over smiling and save money on SN."
(I'd share details, but when I said I got invited to this party, the responses I got on here were very negative.)

Now, the real reason for this thread:
A few days later, I had a MASSIVE crash, like coming off cocaine. I cried myself to sleep that night, after looking up how to buy SN on A, as well as liquor, Benadryl, and anti-emetics to go with it. I even started looking longingly at bottles of bleach and Windex under my bathroom sink. I felt a little better the following morning, but the emotional surge I got from the party was gone. Looking at the pictures I took at the party boosts my mood for a few minutes, then it crashes again. Exchanging messages with the people from the party on social media doesn't seem to help. The only thing that'll bring my mood back to the same level is another party, and I know such parties are very difficult to arrange nowadays.

Is it normal to experience emotional crashes like this after a fun experience, when you're in a CTB state of mind? By "fun", I mean "totally out-of-this-world" fun, not "watching Netflix" fun. Even though the worst of the crash has passed, I still feel down in the dumps, and even more determined to CTB already. I drink copious amounts of liquor and chain-smoke cigarettes just to cope. At least I got to attend a fun, social party before my bus comes. That's better than dying totally miserable and lonely, I guess.

Note: If you plan to criticize me for attending that party, PLEASE DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THIS THREAD. I'm looking for insight on the suicidal emotional crash I experienced. Especially considering that I've been wanting to socialize like that since March, and finally got to. Then why won't my mind let me be happy? I mean, I got to be happy for a day or two, then crashed hard and fast.

I did save the party pictures just in case. If/when I CTB, I want them on display at my funeral, to show the attendees the last occasion I felt truly happy before I died. It'll send a political message to whoever comes, without doxxing the right-wing group that gave me the last happy experience of my life.

In before someone else says it: "The pride comes before the fall."

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Well, this is a weird turn of events! This past Friday, I drove into the next state. I got a haircut for the first time since February, drank a few beers inside a bar (first time since March), and ran laps on a path in a large park until I felt OK to drive back. All of those places are closed in my state. I felt like an escaped prisoner: I got my freedom, but had no idea what the hell to do with it! I also figured that if I CTB, I want my hair to look nice for the funeral.

It was a totally different world there! Other than the barber shop, very few people wore masks. There was no social distancing, either. People in the bar shook hands at introductions and made conversations; no stupid elbow bumps. Every other chair was roped off, but they still sat close enough to talk. They were sympathetic to me when I told them I came from the next state over, and joined me in trashing it. Even the city park was out of this world. People there, mask-free, said hello to each other while walking past. Even a group of youths on a basketball court seemed pretty chill. As opposed to my state, where people seem terrified of getting near each other!

My mood tanked a little when I crossed the state line back home. I pulled into a rest stop to chain-smoke a few cigarettes, then bought a bottle of tequila at a Walmart right off the exit ramp back home. Now I feel happy again!!! It's more of an even-keeled happiness this time, as opposed to the "flying 10,000 feet high" happiness I had after the party last week. Hopefully, the emotional crash won't be so severe this time.

Well, that's all for now. I wanted to get this off my chest.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Well, I did experience an emotional crash again. Only it wasn't as severe: just several hours of listlessness, and not wanting to do anything but sit on my couch, and I still mustered enough energy to pay my bills and take out the trash. I felt mostly fine by this morning, after taking my antidepressant dose. Nothing like listening to sad songs for hours on end, then crying myself to sleep.

I think it's because the experience wasn't as "happy". I mean, it was basically a boring drive for a haircut and a few drinks in a bar, all of which I did alone; it was more a mundane errand than a fun event. It only felt exciting because it's currently impossible to do in my state. As opposed to an hours-long thrilling, not to mention illegal, party with my fellow conservatives, with lots of hugging, dancing, and silly group selfies.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

The plot thickens!

One person who was at the party reached out me just before Memorial Day; she says she got my contact information from the host. She invited me to join a last-minute road trip with her and three other people, a total of two men and three women. It was to the same neighboring state where I had my haircut, but about 100 miles inland, rather than right over the border where I went.

We found ourselves in a quirky beach town, filled with small restaurants, touristy shops, and art galleries. Half the cars on the highway had my state's plates. The town was so much fun! Both the townies and the out-of-staters were so friendly! Streets were filled with people, with very few masks and zero social distancing. It was like a time warp to last year. We ate brunch in a restaurant, drank beers in a bar, swam on the beach, shopped around in stores, and had more drinks, in that order. And of course, took lots of silly selfies where we're all pressed up against each other, and a group picture with another group we met. It all felt so humanizing!!! Even more than the party I attended a few weeks ago. As opposed to my state's quarantine, which made feel like worthless garbage who's better off dead than alive.

Best part? No emotional crash yet, if it happens at all. I didn't stop smiling for days. I guess my body is getting used to feeling joy again. I'm at a point where I don't want to CTB anymore. I feel like I formed actual friendships in that right-wing group, to get me through the lonely quarantine time. They aren't afraid of the Corona Flu, unlike my existing left-wing friends. This will be especially important during the second Corona Flu wave this upcoming fall. Where, if I lose contact with this right-wing group, I'll be lonely again and need to CTB. But I'll worry about that when the time comes.

For now, I"m ready to start posting in the Recovery forum and changing my name to MyStateFailedToKillMe (so far).

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

Well, last night, I had a Zoom session with the people I took a road trip with. We compared notes about how we enjoyed the trip,exchanged the photos we took, caught up on our daily lives, and made tentative plans to get together again. For now, we're thinking about going back to the same town on July 4th, to see the fireworks and party our asses off, mask-free and socially close. (We'll most likely get a hotel room.) We may also get together for a shorter, simpler gathering sooner than that. Like getting a take-out lunch, and eating it in a state park or a highway rest stop. My state is expected to still be mostly closed at that point, unfortunately, although state parks are now open with social distancing restrictions.

So it looks like I have some semblance of a social life again, despite my state's ruthless efforts to take it away from me, and by extension, kill me. I once again have things to look forward to in the near future, which makes me want to stay alive. As opposed to well into 2021, which is too far off. I want to thank everyone on this site who extended their sympathy and support so far. I also want to express gratitude to that radical right-wing group, for welcoming me and making me feel like a real human being.

All this really shatters the stereotype of right-wingers being rough, cold, and uncaring. A radical right-wing group literally saved my life!!! This also shatters the stereotype of left-wingers being hippy "Kumbaya" singers; it was a left-wing government that nearly drove me to CTB.