Venting Suicidal at an early age

[aiko333]

I wrote my first suicide note when I was in fifth grade. Now I'm 21, closer to being 22, and it still won't go away. I feel so defective, like I came out of the womb wrong, like a two headed calf or a lamb with no brain. Just an aberration of nature. I have everything I could possibly want, a partner, a dog, a supportive family, an alright job. And sure, things could be better, but I have no right to be as miserable as I am. I am just as miserable as I was as a child, daydreaming about hanging myself off the balcony or getting hit by a bus.

I wish I had never tried to be better and build a life for myself. I wish I had known, or at least admitted to myself, that there's no point. I will never be happy or content like the people around me. I will always actively be in distress. Suicidality is my lot in life. I always imagined myself dead before 18 and now I'm in my twenties and if anything I'm annoyed I didn't go through with it sooner. Now I can't kill myself, because I went and fucked around and built relationships with people in my life who will be affected. Stupid.

 

[jodes2]

It was worth a shot well done for getting this far sorry you want to CTB

 

[Hollowman]

I had a plan when I was twelve wish I would've followed through. Could've avoided 36 years of pointlessness.

 

[BipolarExpress]

The first time I had suicidal thoughts, I was 11.

 

[leeloosnow]

this person says loss of hope is the worst pain. they are currently dying, talking about it on media and social media forum, and getting widespread support. def onboard for that for her. i think it's incredibly unlucky this is her case, and i hope ppl get this kinda support in times of pain, loss, and death.


i would say that loss of hope is the worst pain too. however, i can't get any relief by talking about this anywhere, i don't get patience. i don't get support. i get labeled, i get silenced, i would be ignored, mistrepresented, and discarded for a quick profit on mainstream media, i can't discuss my situation on social media without it being removed or account banned, nobody wants to hear about the growing possibility for me dying, which is by now so advanced i don't know how else to turn it around. sucks for me and anyone else to have these unnecessary hurdles. this is why i feel useless and worthless and hopeless, more and more, and now too late. they're even one upping their own shittiness by fucking with the one remaining place i can connect, learn, and discuss my experiences/circumstances. fucking assholes may as well cancel hugs while they at it.

and yea, if it were hypothetically possible to trade physical health and circumstances with a person, i would do it now no questions with that lady. she could even keep being so young, and i'd keep being middle age as it wouldnt matter, i'd be dead soon, but we all will and more importantly than dead or not, my constant inescapable pain i know, the one that's now every present, it would be gone immediately. that's what i want. as she'd handle things better. may as well put a broken brain in a broken body and leave it in the bad luck trash can, seems more efficently, hypothetically. this impossible solution would be fine and help another person too, so gg, but i haven't found achievable fixes for my pain, other than ctb.

I wrote my first suicide note when I was in fifth grade. Now I'm 21, closer to being 22, and it still won't go away. I feel so defective, like I came out of the womb wrong, like a two headed calf or a lamb with no brain. Just an aberration of nature. I have everything I could possibly want, a partner, a dog, a supportive family, an alright job. And sure, things could be better, but I have no right to be as miserable as I am. I am just as miserable as I was as a child, daydreaming about hanging myself off the balcony or getting hit by a bus.

I wish I had never tried to be better and build a life for myself. I wish I had known, or at least admitted to myself, that there's no point. I will never be happy or content like the people around me. I will always actively be in distress. Suicidality is my lot in life. I always imagined myself dead before 18 and now I'm in my twenties and if anything I'm annoyed I didn't go through with it sooner. Now I can't kill myself, because I went and fucked around and built relationships with people in my life who will be affected. Stupid.

i have done the same in the past abt relationships, trusting, wasting effort and recieving pain. it's okay that i tried different things, i did have some good experiences along the road in retrospect, but the more frequent disappointment, exhaustion, failure i found, and more often it happened with time, hurts worse and worse until like lately i am really okay, i have no doubts. i did fk up last month too, i engaged a commitment that i'd feel bad about bailing on said person, but they're death is also inevitable for physical reasons. i will try for as long as i can push it, give some last good memories n peace there. then fk it.

 

[painofzed]

I honestly don't remember how long I've wanted to not exist, I know that it's been since I was a child. I'm now almost 40 and every day is an unbearable burden, but I messed up and brought a child into the world so I have to continue to suffer so that she will suffer less. On top of all my internal suffering I have a great deal of self hatred for bringing another life into this misery. I can only hope that she does not suffer this same affliction and do everything I can to make her life a happy one until I'm gone. No one did that for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think this is the real tragedy of trying to 'recover.' We just simply don't know whether it will work. People do all the things that are supposed to make them feel better but if that doesn't work- then what are you supposed to do?

I guess I'm kind of 'lucky' in a way. I've been so maladjusted since childhood that I haven't made the effort to obtain a 'normal' life. No relationships. Even friendships now are very few and very distant. I just put all my effort into my work (which has also failed financially but I'm grateful I don't have the worry of it missing me.)

I guess on one hand, I wonder if a more 'normal' life would have taken me to a different place than here but none of us really know. I do admire you for at least trying- things could have worked out.

Can I ask- have you tried medication/ therapy? I know it doesn't work for everyone but I guess, if you do feel obliged to stay for now- perhaps there is support out there to make it a little easier. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

 

[makethepainstop]

The first time I had suicidal thoughts, I was 11.

Me too, I was 11. That's when I first learned that a 100-count bottle of aspirin cannot kill you, more is the pity.

 

[Nirrend]

I wrote my first suicide note when I was in fifth grade. Now I'm 21, closer to being 22, and it still won't go away. I feel so defective, like I came out of the womb wrong, like a two headed calf or a lamb with no brain. Just an aberration of nature. I have everything I could possibly want, a partner, a dog, a supportive family, an alright job. And sure, things could be better, but I have no right to be as miserable as I am. I am just as miserable as I was as a child, daydreaming about hanging myself off the balcony or getting hit by a bus.

I wish I had never tried to be better and build a life for myself. I wish I had known, or at least admitted to myself, that there's no point. I will never be happy or content like the people around me. I will always actively be in distress. Suicidality is my lot in life. I always imagined myself dead before 18 and now I'm in my twenties and if anything I'm annoyed I didn't go through with it sooner. Now I can't kill myself, because I went and fucked around and built relationships with people in my life who will be affected. Stupid.

Hi sweet @aiko333

I'm really sorry you're suffering so much ❤

First of all, I welcome you because I didn't see any publications from your registration

I understand your feeling, the regret, the bitterness when we look at our life path, the sadness, the anger, the incomprehension of this suicidal feeling, the despair

I understand and I am sincerely sorry that you are suffering ❤

But reading you, one of the things I feel is the severity with which you talk about yourself, as your self-esteem, which looks all damaged, fragile... I also imagine that you are shy and afraid of rejection as you don't write much...

You are in your words... you give me the impression that you define yourself as a failure... as someone who is destined to be a failure...

Why be so hard on yourself? Because when you were younger you were not tolerated for mistakes? Because people criticised you and you wanted to prove to them that these criticism were not true of you?

The tragedy of it all is that today, something that you consider unsuccessful, you end up perceiving as, "The proof that your life is a failure"....

I understand how you feel, but failure is what brings success, don't you think?

I understand your vision, but your story can't be defined only by severity and failure, don't you think?

Don't you think you've suffered enough as it is sweet @aiko333 ? ❤

If my assumptions are wrong, I'm sorry, I don't want to say wrong things about you

You have a lot of courage, look how far you've come today, there are failures but of course there are successes. And it's not because something has failed that we will reject you or be ashamed of you. You have qualities, I'm sure, talents too, and flaws but that make you a sensitive, gentle, kind person, I'm sure ❤❤

We love you as you are, for your flaws and qualities and that's what makes you unique❤

About wanting to die, don't blame yourself, it's normal, life is not easy and I think that in your place, many people would have considered the same thing ❤

It's not a shame ❤

Don't be so hard on yourself now, If you wish, don't hesitate to tell us why you're suffering, to write to us ❤

We don't bite haha ❤ (Unless there's some good food lying around)

I hope from the bottom of my heart that things will get better for you ❤ I believe it

You can be proud of yourself, we are and we thank you for showing us your pain ❤

Love ❤❤❤

 

[FuneralCry]

I've also been suicidal since I was very young, in fact I've never wanted to exist at all. At least to me existence is such a cruel and pointless burden and I've always found comfort in the thought of being dead, in fact death is the only comfort to me. Maybe many people in this world are simply not meant for this life. But it does sound like a difficult situation to be in where you feel so trapped and I also hate the fact that I'm still here in this world. I wish I left a while ago but it would have been the most ideal thing for me to have never existed at all, I mean there's nothing more ideal than that.