Venting Sugar’s Open Diary

[sugarb]

I've decided to start a semi-daily open diary thread to keep my random posts all in one place. It's neater this way, I figure. Entry one is below

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See Me, Know Me

See me, know me
Touch me, hold me
Call me by my name

Feel me, hear me
Love me, dearly
Say you feel the same

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There are ways of CTBing that make it look like an accident. One that was suggested to me was to make it look like a gun cleaning mishap.

I do want to minimize the pain my family feels. I love them, genuinely, when I'm mentally there enough to feel human. But I also don't want to die wearing the mask I've been wearing my whole life. I want to be known, seen, understood. Hopefully in my entirety.

While you're alive, you can't be. Ever. Not if you're imperfect or taboo or ugly in some way. Because if you try, at some point you're stopped. It becomes too much. Or, worse, they conclude something horrible. Imagine being examined closely, understood wholly and perfectly without bias- and you're ugly. How do you cope? I don't think I could. I'd want to destroy that ugliness.

The hardest part about being known is that you can't tell people. I've tried. My girlfriend- I met her via a random DM. I just wanted to vent, saw a profile that was offering, and ended up telling her all sorts of things. But does she know me?

No.

I want her to be happy. Sometimes I want to meet her, hold her, squeeze her skinny little body tight and make her feel ok

But I can't. Never will. And besides- it'd feel wrong.

She's so delicate. Wish she'd been born a sky and hung over somewhere needing beauty

 

[sugarb]

First post was at 3:50; posting again now that it's been 4 hours.

Watched a few videos, read some stuff.

I learned about levels of consciousness. I'm kinda high up there apparently. Explains a lot.

The world in general is improving, statistically. Still suicidal, though. It's to be expected, my issues weren't material anyway

I read the following:

Three are three solutions to the problem of existence.

1. Deny/ignore.
2. Accept and move on for whatever reason.
3. Escape. (Suicide.)

There are no compelling arguments. I keep looking and there's nothing. I want out

 

[sugarb]

3:23

I'm hurting all of a sudden. Thought about what dying would do to my family. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

That's why I always try to just put it out of mind, because it hurts so much. I hate it. I hate feeling. I hate the tangled thoughts and clumsy hyperawareness. I don't want my mom to cry and crumble, I don't want my dad to sink back into depression and lose his job, I don't want my brother to kill himself, too, but that's probably what'll happen. I hate that for me to feel relief I have to hurt the people I love. It's so fucking stupid and I'm crying like a little bitch right now

I just want to feel good all the time, or some of the time, or just any of the time. To forget about pain and bad things, live in the moment, stop thinking about tomorrow and the end of time, be happy.

I haven't read the Myth of Sisyphus, but from a rough outline I heard in some random youtube video- fuck off, Camus.

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If I'd been born a woman, I'm certain my wrists would be covered in scars. I can see that other self in my head very, very clearly, and she makes me very sad. Her hair's just like mine, and she never packed up her stuffed animals. She slinks around like a ghost, thin as a rail, and dreams. I think she'd be my best friend. But would I be hers?

Maybe.

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I'm really tired so I'm gonna sleep. I really, really need it