Venting suffocated from love?

[fishlover]

i have a boyfriend. hes 27, funny, smart, tall, and good looking. before me, he never had much interest in girls or dating. he's always been a virgin before me and doesn't seem to have ever been bothered by it or seeking to lose it. essentially, he's the "ideal man".

hes told me stories where his friends would bring him girls and hed turn them down. or a girl would make a move on him and hed ignore it.

yet for some reason, when we became friends, that all changed?
ive never thought i was pretty. most people say i am if i ask. my bf thought so too, even before we started dating. i never thought i was enjoyable to be around, but all his friends noticed when he stopped gaming and joining discord calls because hed rather be with me.
he chose ME and i know somewhere in myself that he loves me, but i keep thinking why? why me?

im just sitting here waiting for him to leave me someday. and i know he wont. and that scares me. ill be moving in with him soon, and it scares me too. i care for him so much but i cant tell if its because i love him or if im just thankful that hes with me. ive never been more cared for, comforted, protected, and loved in my entire life. and yet i just want to run. i almost feel suffocated. its unbearable. i want to leave him and run far away, crawl into a hole and rot where no one can see me.

he's all i have right now. i dont have any other friends. he might be the only thing in my life thats keeping me going right now. but i just wish i never met him. its so confusing. does anyone else feel this way?

 

[grandeur.egg]

I always feel this way when im being manipulated in some capacity. Trust your gut, if moving in scares you then dont do it. When we find someone we love like this, fear starts to look like excitement and calm starts to look like boredom. Confusion is like the devil when it comes to relationships. Keep your head on straight

 

[fishlover]

I always feel this way when im being manipulated in some capacity. Trust your gut, if moving in scares you then dont do it. When we find someone we love like this, fear starts to look like excitement and calm starts to look like boredom. Confusion is like the devil when it comes to relationships. Keep your head on straight

moving in isnt much of a choice for me, i live with my mom currently and cant afford my portion of the rent for much longer.
i also just dont want to live with my mom.
living with him means i wont be expected to pay much rent if at all, among other beneficial things.
without him or my mom i dont currently have a way to live on my own.

but its true theres some sort of nagging itch at the back of my head, like if i move in with him it's all over. my freedom, my autonomy. it wont be the same. and i wont be able to leave so easily.
yet i know i could do a lot of good for myself with him.

idk. ill just say that any drawbacks he has, its sort of like the little payment i have to make for having someone like him yknow?

 

[grandeur.egg]

moving in isnt much of a choice for me, i live with my mom currently and cant afford my portion of the rent for much longer.
i also just dont want to live with my mom.
living with him means i wont be expected to pay much rent if at all, among other beneficial things.
without him or my mom i dont currently have a way to live on my own.

but its true theres some sort of nagging itch at the back of my head, like if i move in with him it's all over. my freedom, my autonomy. it wont be the same. and i wont be able to leave so easily.
yet i know i could do a lot of good for myself with him.

idk. ill just say that any drawbacks he has, its sort of like the little payment i have to make for having someone like him yknow?

I get where youre coming from, ive been there. the 19 y/o moving out of home and with their boyfriend is a canon event.

I feel for you because im currently in a head spinning situation with a dude the same amount of years older than me. Just remember that you, as someone without a whole lot of friends, are vulnerable, and men are weird, especially older men. Wishing you the best

 

[fishlover]

I get where youre coming from, ive been there. the 19 y/o moving out of home and with their boyfriend is a canon event.

I feel for you because im currently in a head spinning situation with a dude the same amount of years older than me. Just remember that you, as someone without a whole lot of friends, are vulnerable, and men are weird, especially older men. Wishing you the best

haha yea, thankfully im 20 now so it makes it a little better right? lol

thank you, youre totally right. best of luck to you too ♡

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

It's not healthy to just spend your time with one person all the time. I'd be worried about a partner or friend if he/she completely stopped doing the things they loved in order to spend time with one person. That's a recipe for disaster, and a massive red flag.

If you don't know if you love him or not, then that isn't a good sign. It isn't fair to be with someone if you don't know the answer, because it's leading them on and setting them up for hurt. The same goes for the future plans you have together, if something doesn't feel right, don't do it. If it's too quick, that's a huge red flag too.

Don't you think it's odd how he supposedly wasn't interested in anyone until you, and now he wishes to spend all his time with you? Red flags galore.

In my opinion, he's a walking red flag. Are you sure he isn't manipulating you in some way? Why would you want to spend all your time with someone and have no friends? Ask yourself why he would want that for you. To isolate you is the answer, it is classic manipulation, and you've already said you feel suffocated by him which tells me things aren't good with him. You don't deserve to feel this way

Your gut is already telling you to run, so the best thing to do is run. I've been in abusive relationships and I can tell you it gets WORSE, it never gets better, it may appear better but it's just a different tactic, trust me there. Been there and had to run hundreds of miles just to start my life over and be safe

Best of luck

Always, always trust your gut

 

[alienfreak]

I get the opposite feeling to the above message. It sounds it could just be a good relationship to me, from the information given. We don't have that much information from a few posts, so be careful putting too much weight to any advice given here, I suppose. I think is totally true that even with the best relationship you can feel suffocated or that there has been some cost to your autonomy and alone-time - communication of those things can fix it with time. Relationships take work and it is fine for there to be some friction and growing pains.

 

[fishlover]

I get the opposite feeling to the above message. It sounds it could just be a good relationship to me, from the information given. We don't have that much information from a few posts, so be careful putting too much weight to any advice given here, I suppose. I think is totally true that even with the best relationship you can feel suffocated or that there has been some cost to your autonomy and alone-time - communication of those things can fix it with time. Relationships take work and it is fine for there to be some friction and growing pains.

i agree, i understand both sides but im definitely not giving enough context. but its interesting and helpful to see what people think from an outside perspective.

it almost feels weird to write about him here but i know he wont ever see this...

were almost opposites in a way, i have bad habits like cutting and smoking but he hates drugs and alcohol, super straight laced.
he wants the best for me so he tries to limit those habits, took away my weed pens, scolds me, etc. now when i cut, i just remember him saying he wont find me attractive anymore if im covered in too many scars. fair enough.

he made me block/cut off contact with my only friend, but i get it cuz he was a guy, and i had a bit of a history with him. it still hurts though to be so alone.

he has me on life 360, he scolds me if i go out too late, i essentially have to tell him where im going and why cuz hell get suspicious or something. if i want to go alone somewhere hell want to come too, practically beg me.

he didnt let me apply to a cat sitting job because he doesnt want me going into strangers homes. i recently interviewed at another potential job and hes worried about me getting high with my coworkers or accepting drugs from them, he told me i can only smoke around him.
its hard to make friends because hes suspicious of everyone and thinks ill get high with them and let them make a move on me..

i wanted to get a therapist and he seemed to get upset and say "i can be your therapist"

he gets jealous quick if im talking to someone else, even if its his friends. and he has a LOT of friends

i feel like he wants the best for me but im just the kind of person who hates being put on a leash.

 

[alienfreak]

i agree, i understand both sides but im definitely not giving enough context. but its interesting and helpful to see what people think from an outside perspective.

it almost feels weird to write about him here but i know he wont ever see this...

were almost opposites in a way, i have bad habits like cutting and smoking but he hates drugs and alcohol, super straight laced.
he wants the best for me so he tries to limit those habits, took away my weed pens, scolds me, etc. now when i cut, i just remember him saying he wont find me attractive anymore if im covered in too many scars. fair enough.

he made me block/cut off contact with my only friend, but i get it cuz he was a guy, and i had a bit of a history with him. it still hurts though to be so alone.

he has me on life 360, he scolds me if i go out too late, i essentially have to tell him where im going and why cuz hell get suspicious or something. if i want to go alone somewhere hell want to come too, practically beg me.

he didnt let me apply to a cat sitting job because he doesnt want me going into strangers homes. i recently interviewed at another potential job and hes worried about me getting high with my coworkers or accepting drugs from them, he told me i can only smoke around him.
its hard to make friends because hes suspicious of everyone and thinks ill get high with them and let them make a move on me..

i wanted to get a therapist and he seemed to get upset and say "i can be your therapist"

he gets jealous quick if im talking to someone else, even if its his friends. and he has a LOT of friends

i feel like he wants the best for me but im just the kind of person who hates being put on a leash.

Damn, now that makes me see it a lot differently... He's extremely controlling, isolating you, and it sounds scary to me :(. It's totally unacceptable that he wasnt cool with you getting a therapist, and that he 'made you' cut off contact with your only friend. In general there shouldn't be a dynamic where it's up to him if he gives you permission to do things. You need to be really careful. You need more independence than that, to be more free to do what you want, and to have the power to comfortably dictate your own decisions without being afraid of him scolding you. I'm afraid he sounds like the sort of person that might get really angry if you try to change the relationship dynamics to be like this.

 

[fishlover]

Damn, now that makes me see it a lot differently... He's extremely controlling, isolating you, and it sounds scary to me :(. It's totally unacceptable that he wasnt cool with you getting a therapist, and that he 'made you' cut off contact with your only friend. In general there shouldn't be a dynamic where it's up to him if he gives you permission to do things. You need to be really careful. You need more independence than that, to be more free to do what you want, and to have the power to comfortably dictate your own decisions without being afraid of him scolding you. I'm afraid he sounds like the sort of person that might get really angry if you try to change the relationship dynamics to be like this.

yeah.. i can imagine him getting upset too. its hurting my brain to think about this, i really appreciate the replies. i feel like rn im in a position were i rely on him too much to make any big changes, though.
besides the cons he is really a wonderful person. genuinely.

ill try to talk to him about having more freedom. and i hopefully wont be living with him for more than a year or 2. i need to save up money first...

part of me does like how protective and stuff he is of me, because no one has cared so much for me before. but its gotten a little extreme at times.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

i agree, i understand both sides but im definitely not giving enough context. but its interesting and helpful to see what people think from an outside perspective.

it almost feels weird to write about him here but i know he wont ever see this...

were almost opposites in a way, i have bad habits like cutting and smoking but he hates drugs and alcohol, super straight laced.
he wants the best for me so he tries to limit those habits, took away my weed pens, scolds me, etc. now when i cut, i just remember him saying he wont find me attractive anymore if im covered in too many scars. fair enough.

he made me block/cut off contact with my only friend, but i get it cuz he was a guy, and i had a bit of a history with him. it still hurts though to be so alone.

he has me on life 360, he scolds me if i go out too late, i essentially have to tell him where im going and why cuz hell get suspicious or something. if i want to go alone somewhere hell want to come too, practically beg me.

he didnt let me apply to a cat sitting job because he doesnt want me going into strangers homes. i recently interviewed at another potential job and hes worried about me getting high with my coworkers or accepting drugs from them, he told me i can only smoke around him.
its hard to make friends because hes suspicious of everyone and thinks ill get high with them and let them make a move on me..

i wanted to get a therapist and he seemed to get upset and say "i can be your therapist"

he gets jealous quick if im talking to someone else, even if its his friends. and he has a LOT of friends

i feel like he wants the best for me but im just the kind of person who hates being put on a leash.

He's controlling you. You didn't need to add context to the the things you already said, if there are red flags of manipulation, it is obvious there will be other things.. and there we have it, unfortunately.

Internet or not, those that have been there before can spot it a mile off.

It isn't going to get better.

He's already isolating you. He's jealous, he tells you what you can and can't do, next it'll get worse. He's a classic abuser, as soon as you said "he wasn't interested in anyone before me" (massive lie, the ones he probably tried saw him coming and didn't want to be with someone like him).

His behaviour is disgusting. He is an ABUSER and I can tell you, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing, abusers ALWAYS do, don't be fooled with the wording. He will have done it before, you wasn't the first and won't be the last.

You are vulnerable, he's using this to manipulate you. This is how they get us.

Please get help for this. There are places you can go. Coercive control is well know about now, don't think you need to be physically hit to go into one, because you don't.

He has likely made you have sex with him too, which is rape but I bet you don't even realise it.

Please fucking run for your life, before it gets worse. He will destroy you as a person, why? Because he CAN and WANTS to. I know all this is hard to hear but someone has to tell you. There are charities out there that can help. Do not move in with him whatever you do, move. Run. Disappear from social media etc for a while so he can't manipulate you back on there when he can't find you

This won't be easy. At first, it'll feel like a little holiday, then it'll smack you in the face what happened, but you can rebuild your life, you can. Don't let that piece of shit bring you down, you deserve better! You are better than him. You can report it, if you feel able to.

Please be VERY careful. These types of people are very dangerous! Make a very discreet safety plan, do NOT tell him anything, no matter what! Be so careful, please

All the best