Suffering

[virginiawoolf86]

I've been debating putting this here for a while now. I'm worried that what I say will get reported.

I'm struggling. Daily. Every moment I exist whether it's sleeping or awake is torturous. Being in this body and brain for the past year has been nothing but suffering day in and day out. I don't know what to do anymore. I've sought help, but nothing does. I drink myself almost black out everyday in a hopeless attempt to find peace. But I'm dead inside and I'm losing. I can't feel anything. Just the death and decay in my soul.

Some of you may already know, but I have Cotard's Delusion/Syndrome. It's not quite the same as being emotionally vacant, but more of an actual feeling of death. Like a walking zombie. I feel like my soul died, along with my brain, and I'm just post-mortem inside. This has been for almost a year. I can't keep doing this.

I barely spend time with my family anymore. And I know I should. I'm just desperately seeking affection in hopes that I might actually feel something. But I don't. And I've been seeing this guy and things are going well. But when he talks about a future together, I just think to myself "I'm sorry. I'm happy that we both found each other. I'm not much longer for this Earth."

I need any words of comfort. I need peace.

I didn't make it to 2020 guys.

 

[bornfree]

may the gods have mercy on your soul. The care professions certainly will not.

It is a beyond awful existence you are going through - it sounds worse than my existence. Expected to cope with things no one can survive.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

may the gods have mercy on your soul. The care professions certainly will not.

It is a beyond awful existence you are going through - it sounds worse than my existence. Expected to cope with things no one can survive.

Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. You have no idea.

I truly hope that whatever comes after this is peaceful. For all our sakes. We don't deserve the suffering we've been dealt.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I wish things were better for you.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I wish things were better for you.

Thank you. And thank you for the hugs. I'm at the end of my rope and didn't know where to turn.

 

[Ghost2211]

That sounds like a difficult situation to deal with. sending you hugs and best wishes.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Well how about your new relationship? Does it give you any hope or that affection you need? Will you be willing to invest in it to give yourself a more positive outcome if it's structured that way?

 

[http-410]

I'm sorry you have to suffer like this. Do you also feel physically dead?

Some of your statements I can quite relate to. Like:

I feel like my soul died, along with my brain, and I'm just post-mortem inside.

Do you also experience dissociation?

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Well how about your new relationship? Does it give you any hope or that affection you need? Will you be willing to invest in it to give yourself a more positive outcome if it's structured that way?

It does. But it's weird. Like I know it's good, but I just can't feel anything. I'm just going through the motions with most of my experiences.

I'm sorry you have to suffer like this. Do you also feel physically dead?

Some of your statements I can quite relate to. Like:



Do you also experience dissociation?

I do feel physically dead. It's just like I can't see behind the darkness. And I used to disassociate really hard. Like I would get lost in my neighborhood. But I still feel the disassociation, I think I've just gotten used to it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I lack advice but hope you find peace

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I lack advice but hope you find peace

Thank you. I'm trying.