Suffering

[That one weird girl]

I don't know what it is that keeps drawing me to this forum. Obviously you'd say it's the fact that I have a need to not exist but... there is nothing I can do that will stop me from feeling this way. I guess you could say this post is utterly pointless.

Everyday I wake up knowing that my life is not worth living. Meaning, there is no reason for me to be on this earth.
I solely live because I'm scared that my family and boyfriend will feel horrible by the fact that I would've taken my own life. I do not wish to inflict any pain upon them however I don't know what to do. I wish I could see my future so I could get complete confirmation that nothing is gonna happen.

I have two lovely pets. A boyfriend, a dad and a mother who loves me so much. But I'll never amount to anything. I'll never make them proud of me. My mom will never know what it's like to tell her friends that I am doing good in a successful workplace. And my dad will never be able to tell his acquaintances anything other than I am his youngest daughter.

I just want peace. What should I do? I know it's against the rules to ask such questions but I really need guidance. I'll never experience life as a happy young adult... I'll just rot in front of my phone, day after day.

 

[Pluto]

I wish I could see my future so I could get complete confirmation that nothing is gonna happen.

I know how you feel. I've just started making appointments with psychics for this exact reason. There's at least one I can trust. It's a last resort.

I've one question: how did this situation arise? Was there schoolyard bullying in the past? Sibling rivalry? Abuse? A lack of support?

 

[Doombox]

You have lovely pets, a boyfriend, and parents who love you, and yet you think you need to die because you'll never make them proud? If you had to guess, what would your boyfriend say if he was asked what the reason is for you to exist? Is it possible that you are providing something to others beyond a boilerplate notion of a successful job?

 

[That one weird girl]

I know how you feel. I've just started making appointments with psychics for this exact reason. There's at least one I can trust. It's a last resort.

I've one question: how did this situation arise? Was there schoolyard bullying in the past? Sibling rivalry? Abuse? A lack of support?

Thank you for understanding. I hope you'll find the answers you seek

Oh there's a bunch of trauma. I can't possibly fit it all into one reply but yeah, child sexual assault, alcoholic parents (they aren't anymore). Grooming, bullying and neglect. Loneliness. It's all a mess.
However I don't feel like I can blame my lack of competence on my past. I know I didn't get into school because of my math skills but I feel like I should be able to seek some sort of alternative however I'd rather die than be stuck somewhere in a rat race. Does it make sense?

Thank you for reading my reply BTW. It feels good to know someone is listening

You have lovely pets, a boyfriend, and parents who love you, and yet you think you need to die because you'll never make them proud? If you had to guess, what would your boyfriend say if he was asked what the reason is for you to exist? Is it possible that you are providing something to others beyond a boilerplate notion of a successful job?

Thank you so much for your reply and I guess I would agree with you. However, right now I'm stuck in school for kids who struggle too much to go to a regular school. I'll only be able to be there for one more year, after that I have no plan b. I hate myself for not being able to seek a job or education, due to my mental health so I feel like I'm a burden to my surroundings.

I just wish I was successful like my former friends.

 

[Pluto]

Thank you for understanding. I hope you'll find the answers you seek

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. :)

I want to encourage you to try to be gentle with yourself today. You've been through immense hardship which is not your fault, and there is no way to compete with people who have had sheltered childhoods. In fact, most people would be in a much worse position if they'd had to endure the level of abuse that you have.

Sometimes when horrible things have happened, our subconscious minds try to explain it by blaming ourselves. That one wrong idea leads to all sorts of self-destructive habits. Regardless of the past crimes of others, you are worthy of the highest standard of love and care; it's OK to be struggling since we are only human.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing for peace from all the suffering, existing here certainly is so tiring but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that you have to suffer so much in your life. It's understable that you seek for help and it's good you found your way to this great community here. I hope you can find peace and I wish you all the best!

 

[That one weird girl]

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. :)

I want to encourage you to try to be gentle with yourself today. You've been through immense hardship which is not your fault, and there is no way to compete with people who have had sheltered childhoods. In fact, most people would be in a much worse position if they'd had to endure the level of abuse that you have.

Sometimes when horrible things have happened, our subconscious minds try to explain it by blaming ourselves. That one wrong idea leads to all sorts of self-destructive habits. Regardless of the past crimes of others, you are worthy of the highest standard of love and care; it's OK to be struggling since we are only human.

Thank you I'll try to be more gentle with myself. Hopefully it'll get better once I start attending group therapy. I'm already doing better today due to all the positive replys

It's really understandable just wishing for peace from all the suffering, existing here certainly is so tiring but anyway I wish you the best.

No way! You replied to me! I've seen your posts! You seem like a like minded person. Hope you are doing OK though