Venting Suffering in silence beats opening up

[GreenBanana23]

I am a buffoon. I don't know why I haven't ended my life. I am 19 years old yet I feel like I should be dead. My friends pretend to care, my family pretends, everybody is a faker. My closest friend has cut ties with me either temporarily or permanently since I was too open about my mental struggles. My girlfriend's friends all tell her to stay away from me because I have mental health struggles. My family, grandmother and my mother, only "care" to save themselves the trouble of grief. They don't ever check in nor do I really want them to. Very odd paradoxical situation. My "friends" tell me they will invite me to hang after I check in and reach out yet weeks later nobody has reached out. Why do I continue living? I think it's because I'm too much of a pussy to hang myself or drown myself or get something lethal. I already fucked up getting a shotgun because I told a friend about it. Don't know why I told him. I was then committed to psych ward then everybody says "oh my god we care for you," yet since I've been out it's almost like nobody ever really cared. Like "Oh he's out, he's normal. Let's go back to not giving a fuck" and now here we are. My brain is not wired right I wish I could just say "Okay let's just be normal" and then be a normal person. Stop being angry at fuckign nothing, stop being a weirdo, stop being annoying, stop being somebody everybody hates.
This shit sucks and I wish I had the balls to end my life. Really thinking about maxing out credit card to fly to Tijuana and then get N. I speak plenty of spanish and could definitely get around.
why do I do this shit. Can't ever figure it out

 

[DeadPool360]

While I am not you and you are not me but the situation is the same look first of all you need to ask the question are you even close to them like they are or were that close and precious people to you ? If yes you were see what changed try to fix it look man you one upped me by having a girlfriend and your family being close to each other but I think that those people are just busy like my people it's not that it's OK to ignore you but think about it when someone is close to you and you love them you think about them a lot I once had a friend who was like that and was with me and keeps contacting me a lot but he is busy now with work and college and things like that it's okay though if they remember you and contact you from time to time then it's OK but if no one and I mean no one remembers to talk to you call you or do anything as a means of communication bro you need to find new people like I did while they are not too many they are just two but they are just enough it's just unfortunate that they met me at my worst when I have no energy to do anything anymore
Sorry if it's too big of a reply I just had a lot to say

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly I just think that most people are too self centred to ever care and in general suicidal people are just treat badly in this world, there really is a lack of compassion towards the suffering that people go through. But anyway best wishes, I understand that it's tiring feeling trapped here.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

19 is pretty young. Lots of people have hope for recovery at that age. Its your choice, and I hope you find release from your pain no matter what happens.