I don't know where to categorize but I needed someplace to vent where the first response wouldn't be crap like "there's so much to live for!" or in the case of a therapist, sending me directly to the hospital, so I'm glad I found this forum.
I'm just going to dump my woes, I apologise this is so self-centred.
I have had undiagnosed chronic depression all my life, as a very young kid I remember opening the silverware drawer at like 6 in the morning, looking at the knives. I don't remember what triggered it, I don't even think I was aware of suicide as a concept, I just wanted to die for some reason. My parents divorced at a pivotal age and proceeded to fight over me; both were abusive in different ways, one made it so I never had access to key social activities. Tumult, rejection, total lack of social contact and peer groups, online bullying, lack of parental support for my identity and invasion of privacy in some cases were just some of the driving factors that pushed me into full blown double depression that lasted for nearly a decade. I literally don't have any memories from that time, and it acted like paint stripper for my emotions and sense of self and healthy wellbeing. Any efforts to try to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me were dismissed and I had to do the work myself as a young teenager to find resources and formulate them to make my case, without "making anyone upset."
I've had to make a new person from scratch. I have worked so hard to pull myself with little help from this massive aching hole that left me so destitute that I was having essentially psychotic breaks, having urges to hurt my pets followed by curling up sobbing in a ball on the floor. I don't know why I didn't kill myself then, god knows it was living torture, but it just never happened. Various reasons maybe, guilt, fear, indecision. I got a new relationship that lasted for 3 years and I was very happy in, but then had to end for various reasons that I hold no grudge over, but that broke me the first time and I tried to cry/dehydrate myself to death. Not being able to be angry almost made it worse. I didn't last more than a day or so. I didn't date after that for 5 years. I tried a few dating apps but they were either full of creeps, ghosts, or awful people.
Once I got independence, things started to look up and I had better friend groups, my parents still don't really support me but it doesn't have as much of a direct impact on my life, especially with a network of found family to fall back on. I thought I was mastering this shit and had a somewhat solid future and just had to pick myself up and practice to be normal, and if I could just find the right combo of diet, exercise, and mental hygiene I could put myself on the right track and leave it all behind chalked up to teenage angst. I got a new relationship with someone I've had a crush on for an impossibly long time, and against my better judgement I leaned into it and trusted the world to let things work out for once. Maybe I could have happiness sometimes. Fix my character flaws and expand my world.
But now the world is in upheaval, my cat is dead and I had to decide to have him put down, even if we don't always get along my parents are in their 60s and becoming more fragile, I've been to school way too long and have no career or promise of a future to show for it, and said relationship stopped investing effort into responding or connecting to me a few months ago and I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid and that relationships settle after a while and aren't intense 100% of the time, and if I asked I was both worried I'd be smothering or that I'd hear exactly what I was worried about, but hey hey I just got dumped. No proper explanation provided, I'm just not "someone they see having a future with, but they love my friendship." Which makes absolutely no sense to me and leaves me wondering where I fucked up. I feel like I'm permanently fucked. If a relationship couldn't work with them, I really don't think it will work with anyone at all. So I am alone. I still have some friends but I have known for a while that I am not the first choice of friend, ever, no matter how hard I try. In fact usually if I stop prompting any conversation, I'm forgotten about in a matter of weeks.
I was reading some methods last night and the only thing stopping me is the guilt of what I would leave behind for my parents and sibling and the one friend who has actually remained in constant contact with me. Honestly if my parents were dead, I don't think I'd be writing this, I think I'd be gone. But I have no room to share any of this. Share it with a therapist: instant hospitalization I can't afford. Share it with family: accused of manipulation and harm. Share it with friends: needless worrying that they can't fix. Share it with online communities: typical slew of "you can do anything you set your mind to!!" I have set my mind and all it has done is made me frustrated and with no progress to show for it and a future littered with health problems and constant loss of everything I hold dear. I can probably still go on but I really mainly want this stupid game to be over.
I want to be angry and scream and be selfish but not doing those things is all I have to feel like I belong here. I feel all kinds of twisted and tight and raw and chemically and awful and I can't let any of it go. I only slept for maybe 3 hours last night in fits and I didn't eat for over a day and I couldn't even bring myself to eat more than a spoonful of something a few hours ago. I just feel sick and want to waste away, but can't make that decision. And if I did it now, I feel like it would just be abusing the person who broke up with me. "If I can't have you then I guess I'll just die."
I just feel like I'm being tortured. Sisyphus. Find the strength each morning to keep pushing the same boulder up the same hill forever and ever. Sometimes it gets closer to the top than other days, only to roll that much farther away. How do other people live life and enjoy it? I don't think I've ever experienced a positive day start to finish.
I'm just going to dump my woes, I apologise this is so self-centred.
I have had undiagnosed chronic depression all my life, as a very young kid I remember opening the silverware drawer at like 6 in the morning, looking at the knives. I don't remember what triggered it, I don't even think I was aware of suicide as a concept, I just wanted to die for some reason. My parents divorced at a pivotal age and proceeded to fight over me; both were abusive in different ways, one made it so I never had access to key social activities. Tumult, rejection, total lack of social contact and peer groups, online bullying, lack of parental support for my identity and invasion of privacy in some cases were just some of the driving factors that pushed me into full blown double depression that lasted for nearly a decade. I literally don't have any memories from that time, and it acted like paint stripper for my emotions and sense of self and healthy wellbeing. Any efforts to try to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me were dismissed and I had to do the work myself as a young teenager to find resources and formulate them to make my case, without "making anyone upset."
I've had to make a new person from scratch. I have worked so hard to pull myself with little help from this massive aching hole that left me so destitute that I was having essentially psychotic breaks, having urges to hurt my pets followed by curling up sobbing in a ball on the floor. I don't know why I didn't kill myself then, god knows it was living torture, but it just never happened. Various reasons maybe, guilt, fear, indecision. I got a new relationship that lasted for 3 years and I was very happy in, but then had to end for various reasons that I hold no grudge over, but that broke me the first time and I tried to cry/dehydrate myself to death. Not being able to be angry almost made it worse. I didn't last more than a day or so. I didn't date after that for 5 years. I tried a few dating apps but they were either full of creeps, ghosts, or awful people.
Once I got independence, things started to look up and I had better friend groups, my parents still don't really support me but it doesn't have as much of a direct impact on my life, especially with a network of found family to fall back on. I thought I was mastering this shit and had a somewhat solid future and just had to pick myself up and practice to be normal, and if I could just find the right combo of diet, exercise, and mental hygiene I could put myself on the right track and leave it all behind chalked up to teenage angst. I got a new relationship with someone I've had a crush on for an impossibly long time, and against my better judgement I leaned into it and trusted the world to let things work out for once. Maybe I could have happiness sometimes. Fix my character flaws and expand my world.
But now the world is in upheaval, my cat is dead and I had to decide to have him put down, even if we don't always get along my parents are in their 60s and becoming more fragile, I've been to school way too long and have no career or promise of a future to show for it, and said relationship stopped investing effort into responding or connecting to me a few months ago and I tried to tell myself I was being paranoid and that relationships settle after a while and aren't intense 100% of the time, and if I asked I was both worried I'd be smothering or that I'd hear exactly what I was worried about, but hey hey I just got dumped. No proper explanation provided, I'm just not "someone they see having a future with, but they love my friendship." Which makes absolutely no sense to me and leaves me wondering where I fucked up. I feel like I'm permanently fucked. If a relationship couldn't work with them, I really don't think it will work with anyone at all. So I am alone. I still have some friends but I have known for a while that I am not the first choice of friend, ever, no matter how hard I try. In fact usually if I stop prompting any conversation, I'm forgotten about in a matter of weeks.
I was reading some methods last night and the only thing stopping me is the guilt of what I would leave behind for my parents and sibling and the one friend who has actually remained in constant contact with me. Honestly if my parents were dead, I don't think I'd be writing this, I think I'd be gone. But I have no room to share any of this. Share it with a therapist: instant hospitalization I can't afford. Share it with family: accused of manipulation and harm. Share it with friends: needless worrying that they can't fix. Share it with online communities: typical slew of "you can do anything you set your mind to!!" I have set my mind and all it has done is made me frustrated and with no progress to show for it and a future littered with health problems and constant loss of everything I hold dear. I can probably still go on but I really mainly want this stupid game to be over.
I want to be angry and scream and be selfish but not doing those things is all I have to feel like I belong here. I feel all kinds of twisted and tight and raw and chemically and awful and I can't let any of it go. I only slept for maybe 3 hours last night in fits and I didn't eat for over a day and I couldn't even bring myself to eat more than a spoonful of something a few hours ago. I just feel sick and want to waste away, but can't make that decision. And if I did it now, I feel like it would just be abusing the person who broke up with me. "If I can't have you then I guess I'll just die."
I just feel like I'm being tortured. Sisyphus. Find the strength each morning to keep pushing the same boulder up the same hill forever and ever. Sometimes it gets closer to the top than other days, only to roll that much farther away. How do other people live life and enjoy it? I don't think I've ever experienced a positive day start to finish.
