Sudden comfort with suicide

[Taki]

I've had serious depression since my teens and am now in my late 40s, and suicide has constantly been on my mind. I made an inept attempt as a teen and nothing since, which means my life spiraled into a series of terrible decisions that have just meant one loss or humiliation after another. The voice of suicide has been with me for decades.

Back in January I had an extremely bad bout of depression and thought constantly of killing myself, but it was the usual voice of terror and panic. Then one day it all changed, and suddenly it was like listening to someone make a perfectly clear and logical argument, almost soothing. Since then I've been actively planning my death and purchased materials.

Has anyone else experienced this? It was like someone flicked a switch in my head.

 

[a_strange_day]

I'm almost in the same situation as you, early forties and severe depression since my teens, thinking about suicide constantly, diagnosed with MDD + mixed personality disorder (mainly BPD/APD) lately. the last expert I saw wrote in his report that it was extremely difficult to treat someone like me, and to be honest I dont want to get better

the soothing feeling you describe, I am exactly at this point and I know what it is, at least for me.
it's the fact that I know there is nothing more to do and have accepted that I'm now at the end the road, I dont have to fight anymore, to try, I'm ready to go whenever I want and I'm not in a hurry since it dosent matter at all. it's a sort of peace with yourself, I just hope it last.

 

[Taki]

I'm almost in the same situation as you, early forties and severe depression since my teens, thinking about suicide constantly, diagnosed with MDD + mixed personality disorder (mainly BPD/APD) lately. the last expert I saw wrote in his report that it was extremely difficult to treat someone like me, and to be honest I dont want to get better

the soothing feeling you describe, I am exactly at this point and I know what it is, at least for me.
it's the fact that I know there is nothing more to do and have accepted that I'm now at the end the road, I dont have to fight anymore, to try, I'm ready to go whenever I want and I'm not in a hurry since it dosent matter at all. it's a sort of peace with yourself, I just hope it last.

I know what you mean. Since then I have no urgency but I've taken more concrete steps and have begun to rehearse.

 

[a_strange_day]

I know what you mean. Since then I have no urgency but I've taken more concrete steps and have begun to rehearse.

I'm a little ahead of you on this, no need to rehearse anymore, everything is ready and this adds to the feeling of peace

 

[malummo]

i think i belong to this category. after 25 years of depression and anxiety-phobic disorder, the end has finally come for me. the trigger is caused by a traumatic experience. fighting this disease for so many years has been the stupidest decision in my life. at the age of 17 I wanted to take my life by hanging for the first time, I regret that I didn't.

 

[SinisterKid]

I read a report not along ago that spoke of suicide not as a means of dying, but as a means of control. I did not quite understand it at the time, but I do now. Once I got the items I needed for my chosen exit, I felt a lot calmer and in control of my life again. Not something I have felt in a very long time.

 

[Taki]

i think i belong to this category. after 25 years of depression and anxiety-phobic disorder, the end has finally come for me. the trigger is caused by a traumatic experience. fighting this disease for so many years has been the stupidest decision in my life. at the age of 17 I wanted to take my life by hanging for the first time, I regret that I didn't.

Sorry to hear you had a traumatic experience recently.
I'm gay and had a terrible time dealing with it in my youth. By the time I resolved it, it was too late for me to meet anyone and I now face the prospect of a life alone, financially precarious, and eaten alive by my regrets. I wish constantly that I had been braver in my 20s and 30s and lived a better life. The evenings are agony for me and I've started drinking again after years of abstaining. I've researched hanging and hydrogen sulphide, but I'm not sure about the latter.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Hi buddy. The first idea of suicide occurred in my mind at the age of 20. I've never been earthly before. I've always imitated other people when i was young. I felt like there was a fact that all other people knew but I didn't. I am always surprised by the people who live in this world with good motivation. It was like I was in a theater, but I didn't have a text. I realized that unhappiness and personal problems did not interest other people. I can't blame the others. Life is short. Everybody's trying to live. I realized later that the problem was related to the blockage of a series of chemical processes in my brain. My family didn't want to admit I was sick. I was always accused of not being like the others. I realized that later my mother never loved me. I've had bad things and felt. Sometimes I wanted to kill them with an automatic gun who made fun of me. I just needed some mercy. I could forgive everyone with a smile. The only thing I held onto was music. I don't want to make music anymore. I wish I hadn't lived the last 20 years. Now I'm looking for a way to kill myself. Living with my mother again and no money for buying a secondhand rifle to shot myself.

I believe that suicide should be a right. Maybe by this way people's problems can be heard. Our organs can be given to those in need and we can say goodbye to others.

Translated by Holy Google.

 

[pigglywiggly]

I've had serious depression since my teens and am now in my late 40s, and suicide has constantly been on my mind. I made an inept attempt as a teen and nothing since, which means my life spiraled into a series of terrible decisions that have just meant one loss or humiliation after another. The voice of suicide has been with me for decades.

Back in January I had an extremely bad bout of depression and thought constantly of killing myself, but it was the usual voice of terror and panic. Then one day it all changed, and suddenly it was like listening to someone make a perfectly clear and logical argument, almost soothing. Since then I've been actively planning my death and purchased materials.

Has anyone else experienced this? It was like someone flicked a switch in my head.

When I started to seriously consider the thought of suicide I was sad because I wanted to want to live. Now it brings me peace. When I am having a particularly stressful or overwhelming experience I take a deep breath and remember that I am going to die, and that brings a smile to my face. Morbid but effective.

 

[justanotherday]

Sorry to hear you had a traumatic experience recently.
I'm gay and had a terrible time dealing with it in my youth. By the time I resolved it, it was too late for me to meet anyone and I now face the prospect of a life alone, financially precarious, and eaten alive by my regrets. I wish constantly that I had been braver in my 20s and 30s and lived a better life. The evenings are agony for me and I've started drinking again after years of abstaining. I've researched hanging and hydrogen sulphide, but I'm not sure about the latter.

I relate to what you said, except I kind of line being alone. And, I wish I could drink, but once I got older, alcohol effects me in a strange way. I get sick from even just one beer, so I cannot drink at all.

 

[Jean4]

I read a report not along ago that spoke of suicide not as a means of dying, but as a means of control. I did not quite understand it at the time, but I do now. Once I got the items I needed for my chosen exit, I felt a lot calmer and in control of my life again. Not something I have felt in a very long time.

Exactly!

 

[LonelyCarioca]

When I started to seriously consider the thought of suicide I was sad because I wanted to want to live. Now it brings me peace. When I am having a particularly stressful or overwhelming experience I take a deep breath and remember that I am going to die, and that brings a smile to my face. Morbid but effective.

You worded this really well, it resonates with me. Thinking about my day to ctb and dying really brings an inner peace that I haven't ever really felt before. Definitely effective and therapeutic.

 

[Darkhaven]

When my depressive crisis erupted last year, suicidal thoughts, while being mostly caused by fear and despair, gave me comfort. By knowing that my problems could come to an end soon i, somehow, was able to keep myself feeling a bit relieved from all the problems pulling me down.
Currently, that comfort is scarce, to say the least.
My apparent inability and cowardice to even try killing myself and the almost "non existent chance" of getting N, is starting to make me very anxious about the future.
I hope that things turn for me in the near future, and either i have a bit of luck and get enouth conditions to just get by in life or either i get the necessary courage i need to do it.