Venting Stuck thinking about what happens after

[Dwnwrdsprl]

I know it doesn't matter but, I can't stop thinking about how people will react after I CTB. I won't be here, it won't matter but, I kind of wish I could watch it play out.

It's a terrible thing to say, I know. Why would I want to see people suffer with grief? What is wrong with me? Sometimes I even hope my boyfriend will find me. He's so messed up right now and emotionless, I know it won't be good if he does.

I feel like my mind is vindictive. Why should I expect anything less from my sick brain?

Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Ghost2211]

Someone I knew it was a resident physician she had severe depression for a long time. She tried to reach out for help, but somehow fell through the cracks. In the end she ctb. About 100 people ended up going up to her funeral, and for a couple months after there was group meeting to help colleagues cope with the loss. I can't help but wonder if she got half the love in life that she got after death would she still be here.

I think of this often as I reflect on how people interact with me now. Often times people don't appreciate or love us enough until after we are gone. I guess I just feel like if they would be so sad about us being dead then they should appreciate us while we are alive.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes. You are not alone!

 

[issyishere]

I just hope I never get to see the aftermath. The guilt i'd feel seeing the pain I inflicted on my parents. After a while things don't matter anymore though so who knows what i'm waiting for.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

The guilt i'd feel seeing the pain I inflicted on my parents. After a while things don't matter anymore though so who knows what i'm waiting for.

Exactly.

Life goes on. People will heal.

We won't get to see the aftermath - but that's the whole point, isn't it?

 

[Shero]

I know it doesn't matter but, I can't stop thinking about how people will react after I CTB. I won't be here, it won't matter but, I kind of wish I could watch it play out.

It's a terrible thing to say, I know. Why would I want to see people suffer with grief? What is wrong with me? Sometimes I even hope my boyfriend will find me. He's so messed up right now and emotionless, I know it won't be good if he does.

I feel like my mind is vindictive. Why should I expect anything less from my sick brain?

Does anyone else feel like this?

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. It is possible that you never had the attention and care you deserve. You would like to see people mourn your death, to be able to know that you were truely important to them. It feels that void in you, that loneliness.
I could intrepret to much into it, but thats how i felt when i was a kid. I had dreams were i looked on my corpse, and saw people who i hoped would finally care after i pass. There pain made me happy, not because im a sadist or a sociopath, but because i understood that i was loved.
Now i think otherwise, but that doesn't mather. What you experience may be not a malicious drive, but just a pure and innocent feeling.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I know the feeling. I'm curious as hell what people will say, what they will do, will they even miss me, how long will it take them to move on etc etc. But then part of me doesn't want to know as well because what if its not as good as I'd hoped and nobody does miss me?

 

[reapandsow918]

This is my main concern in leading up to CTB. I'm worried about my family mostly, I don't want to see them suffer or mourn over my death. I love them with all my heart but I have to leave, the life I'm living is hell.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I just don't think about it. My family will mourn for a while and move on. I try not to beat myself up over it.