Because a stupid fucking mistake I made last year put me in this situation. I've a wife a six months old kid and a schizophrenic mother it is so hard leave them behind and ctb but there seems no other option to me.
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1227rana
Member
- Feb 5, 2022
- 7
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had better words, but I'm here and I see your pain.
coyotestark
Free at last, free at last.
- Jun 13, 2022
- 72
If I could find a way to be with my child again, I don't think I would ctb. But I do understand your pain and suffering, I hope things get better for you. Take care.
Oh man I just want to exit from this world I know I'm selfish leaving my family behind like this.
Schizophrenia is often hereditary. I am not saying you have this but keep in mind maybe it's a possibility hence why you may partly feel this way. I would explore this possibility if you think that's a good idea. I know plenty of people who have schizophrenic tendencies and diagnosis and are what i would say are high functioning.
The problem with me currently now is I feel dying is much better than doing anything, I just can't carry the family responsibilities on my shoulder anymore
Is there anything specific that made you feel this way?
I don't know how to tell in words but I used to daydream a lot of stuff from past few years I was mad about becoming an organic farmer ( even tho I have zero knowledge of farming) and I invested my all savings in that, now I've realized how fucking stupid I was daydreaming about anything and not listening to people, it's shame, guilt, financial loss all crippled me from inside now I just want to die than facing any shame or guilt.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,688
I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. I can imagine that it must be really painful being in that situation. This life really is so cruel and unfair, and I understand being desperate to leave. I know that it is awful feeling like you are trapped in this world, suicide is so difficult and more than anything I wish that it is easier. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do.
Money is really not everything and you have a family. I don't know how much debt you have or how good chances you have of still becoming a farmer
If your mother has schizophrenia, I would advise you to first get in touch with a psychiatrist before you CTB.
What do you think?
If your mother has schizophrenia, I would advise you to first get in touch with a psychiatrist before you CTB.
What do you think?
I've been trying partial hanging but it is so painful I always back out I might go with full suspension
I don't have any debt but when I see my mom my kid and wife I start to cry from inside. I know I can't give them any future I just don't want to carry any responsibilities neither I can leave them and go somewhere else
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Have you talked to your wife and mother about how you feel? You might be surprised how much they love you and you mean to them. This might give you a better motivation to stay.
If you're not even in debt I think you have good chances to create a good life. CTB will definitely not do it for any of you.
If your mother is really schizophrenic, I once again beg you to get some evaluation. It's highly possible you have similar tendencies.
From what you are telling us, I would honestly love to change place with you. It doesn't sound as pitch black as many of our other members.
It's just shame and guilt and laziness, I'm not schizophrenic but I have social anxiety, depression, over thinking. I've discussed about my suicide with my sister and friends and they all are supportive but thing is I don't want to do anything I want everything on my bed I don't want to work or go outside I just want to lay in bed all day.
In simple words I would rather die now than live a mediocre , Strugglefull life.
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Have you tried to get help for your depression, social anxiety and overthinking?
If these things improve, maybe what you call "laziness" will also improve.
I visited a psychiatric two months ago the meds make me feel good for two to three hours after that same situation comes and thought of ctb seems only option
From past two months when I came to realize that I've been living in daydream all this while and this is not how life works and I also realised the expectations people have from me I can't fulfill them. I've always lived in my own world, it's just too much to take and ctb is the only escape I can think of.
Two months is a very short time. Please give it at least two years before you CTB.
How do you feel that you are living in your own world?
I didn't appreciate what I've got never sit with my mother and asked her how she is feeling or called my sister all i did just open YouTube watched some videos of cars that I like and imagined myself driving it going on road trips living in lavish house. Just kept on dreaming and never lived in reality
But this was now connected with being a organic farmer?
Living in an alternative reality is honestly a little schizo. Only telling you this in hope such medication or therapy could have any effect.
Yeah I thought I will be the first one in the village to do organic farming and I will earn good money and I will recharge groundwater through rainwater and will up the water table I never did realize that doing this takes effort you just can't imagine the stuff and it magically happens irl I don't even know how to fix a blub
But I don't hear voices or hallucinate or go batshit crazy. It's just that when I see people living in good houses or driving nice cars I want that too. I always wanted just a comfortable life.
My father was an army officer and a true gentlemen, he too was in depression in his last days when he came home he was talking about leaving the army that there are some bad people who are torturing him. My father was thrown off the bridge down on rail lines. It was 27 years ago and it all went downhill since then my mom struggled so much all these years and now I want to commit suicide I know it will tear her apart if I do this but I do feel like history repeats itself my father died when I was 6 months old and now things or circumstances I've created that I want to ctb now.
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Silent.Tears
Experienced
- Nov 5, 2021
- 282
I don't really know what exactly do you mean by "organic farms" but I've heard about "hydroponic farms", it requires much less water apparently. Does your wife have a job? If yes, then you can learn about hydroponic farms by actually working as a helper on such farm, I believe there is a lot of content on YouTube regarding the same
london3
Banned Scammer
- May 5, 2022
- 584
I think the negative feeling you have now can feel overwhelming, it is also best to be serious in trying to get help first, with therapy and medicine before you ctb.
If you try and find a financial advisor or a therapist to talk through your issues you may find that it is not that bad and you can reduce this constant stress you have and thinking too much.
Killing yourself should be the final choice i feel only when other things have not worked.
India
Too much YouTube landed me in this situation, currently I've no energy left I don't want to do anything all I can think of is suicide I know my SI is too strong and I can never commit suicide.
At this point even getting up from my bed to get a glass of water seems a huge task to me.
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Silent.Tears
Experienced
- Nov 5, 2021
- 282
@jitendrabagaria786@ I only mentioned YouTube because it seemed from your post that you enjoyed using it, and it can be a great source of information and learning. But I also understand what you mean by having no energy left, I also feel the same way most of the time. Having recently finished a diploma I have no energy left to send out resumes, etc etc. I regret having left my previous job sometimes. I completely understand what life feels like at this point.
That probably is depression. You should really seek out medical help first. Also, talk to your wife about your feelings.
The thing is whatever I do now I can't be the one I used to be, my bubble has burst out now whatever I do I will always linger on past mistakes.
