Venting Stuck in my own helplessness and spiral of anxiety

[RandomDude1234]

I don't know what to do.
My heart and mind is like this swirling pool of darkness and future seems like a unhinged monsters, ready to swallow me whole. I want to just stop existing when I'm at a relatively high point in my life, with no outwardly issues.

Small small issues get me spiraling like crazy. I attach myself to things very fast just to give my pitiful existence more reasons to continue.
And it's pathetic. I know what I'm doing but I let myself be deluded by my own desies.

I have shifted the goalpost to die so many times. Each time I give myself a new deadline and feel shittier when I move it.
I haven't had a reason to live now for years, not a permanent long term reason anyway. I force myself to like new things so I use them as a crutch and have something to look forward too.

But I'm tired.
My mind if tired.
My heart is tired.

I don't want to die because it will cause too much pain to so many people.
I just want to stop existing so my departing causes as little pain as possible.

I don't want my non-existence to cause a ripple of sadness and depression, as I'm sure it will cause now. My suicide will leave a lot of people mentally scarred for life.
I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain.

But I also don't want to continue anymore. Enough is enough.
This life has no purpose and the world as a whole will be better without me.

It's like I'm stuck in this ever shrinking box which is shrinking at a snail's pace. I know it will eventually crush me to death but the anticipitation is unbearable.
I can die any moment I want to; I have spent years researching methods and gathering supplies. I have access to atleast four different suicide methods within 5 feet of me.

And if I was sure that it won't cause others pain, I would have done it already.
I would have done it over a dozen times today.

But I don't want to be the cause of other people pain. Maybe it's my brain's best way of forcing me to continue this unpleasant existence.

I know, no one can help me in this situation, except me. But I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Even my doctor doesn't know that I'm spiraling again; I see no benefit in telling them and continuing this stupid cycle.

I feel like I want to scream but I have no mouth.
I feel like I want to run but I have no legs and I'm tied to a wall.

I know what I want and yet I don't.
This all probably doesn't make a hell lot of sense. But thank you for being the void I can scream in without needing a mouth.

 

[Siarar]

I feel the same way.

 

[RandomDude1234]

I'm sorry that you are goint through this @Siarar

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Squiddy]

I know how you feel. If it weren't for my family and friends and fear of a potential hell, I would've been ctb by now.

 

[dec132013]

Im the same way, I'm somewhat starting to change my thinking (law of attraction related stuff, not really for the "magic" just for the positivity) it's definitely not easy but once you get started it's a lil easier to keep at it.

Hope you're able to get out of this mindset soon, however you decide to do it.

 

[Captive of Mind]

I don't know what to do.
My heart and mind is like this swirling pool of darkness and future seems like a unhinged monsters, ready to swallow me whole. I want to just stop existing when I'm at a relatively high point in my life, with no outwardly issues.

Small small issues get me spiraling like crazy. I attach myself to things very fast just to give my pitiful existence more reasons to continue.
And it's pathetic. I know what I'm doing but I let myself be deluded by my own desies.

I have shifted the goalpost to die so many times. Each time I give myself a new deadline and feel shittier when I move it.
I haven't had a reason to live now for years, not a permanent long term reason anyway. I force myself to like new things so I use them as a crutch and have something to look forward too.

But I'm tired.
My mind if tired.
My heart is tired.

I don't want to die because it will cause too much pain to so many people.
I just want to stop existing so my departing causes as little pain as possible.

I don't want my non-existence to cause a ripple of sadness and depression, as I'm sure it will cause now. My suicide will leave a lot of people mentally scarred for life.
I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain.

But I also don't want to continue anymore. Enough is enough.
This life has no purpose and the world as a whole will be better without me.

It's like I'm stuck in this ever shrinking box which is shrinking at a snail's pace. I know it will eventually crush me to death but the anticipitation is unbearable.
I can die any moment I want to; I have spent years researching methods and gathering supplies. I have access to atleast four different suicide methods within 5 feet of me.

And if I was sure that it won't cause others pain, I would have done it already.
I would have done it over a dozen times today.

But I don't want to be the cause of other people pain. Maybe it's my brain's best way of forcing me to continue this unpleasant existence.

I know, no one can help me in this situation, except me. But I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Even my doctor doesn't know that I'm spiraling again; I see no benefit in telling them and continuing this stupid cycle.

I feel like I want to scream but I have no mouth.
I feel like I want to run but I have no legs and I'm tied to a wall.

I know what I want and yet I don't.
This all probably doesn't make a hell lot of sense. But thank you for being the void I can scream in without needing a mouth.

God damnit. This was very moving, I'm in tears. I don't want to continue this pointless charade either.

Much respect to you for staying just so you won't hurt other people. I am less respectable and more selfish so I will opt to get the fuck off this torture ride.

 

[Outsider]

I feel the same. Guess if i was alone it would be over already.

 

[mooncake]

This makes a lot of sense, and I'm very sorry that this is how you feel.

Your metaphors at the end really resonate with me. To me it seemed like you also feel trapped between a sense of responsibility for others and their feelings, and the pain and stress your life's reality is causing you.
Setting a new date might not be helpful though. I've seen many people on here saying that missing a date added to the their distress. Don't force yourself to do anything, especially when you're not 100% certain what you want and how you want to get there.

Suicide will always bring pain. We can only try to find ways to hopefully lessen it, but we can't avoid it all together. This is something I'm trying to come to terms with also.

I hope that you can find a way to make yourself feel a little better and reduce some of the stress

 

[RandomDude1234]

Thank you very much for understanding everyone.

@mooncake Yeah I hear you about not setting a date but I also don't want to do something rashly because then I'll regret.
Thank you very much for your kind and understanding words.

 

[tidalwxves]

I don't know what to do.
My heart and mind is like this swirling pool of darkness and future seems like a unhinged monsters, ready to swallow me whole. I want to just stop existing when I'm at a relatively high point in my life, with no outwardly issues.

Small small issues get me spiraling like crazy. I attach myself to things very fast just to give my pitiful existence more reasons to continue.
And it's pathetic. I know what I'm doing but I let myself be deluded by my own desies.

I have shifted the goalpost to die so many times. Each time I give myself a new deadline and feel shittier when I move it.
I haven't had a reason to live now for years, not a permanent long term reason anyway. I force myself to like new things so I use them as a crutch and have something to look forward too.

But I'm tired.
My mind if tired.
My heart is tired.

I don't want to die because it will cause too much pain to so many people.
I just want to stop existing so my departing causes as little pain as possible.

I don't want my non-existence to cause a ripple of sadness and depression, as I'm sure it will cause now. My suicide will leave a lot of people mentally scarred for life.
I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain.

But I also don't want to continue anymore. Enough is enough.
This life has no purpose and the world as a whole will be better without me.

It's like I'm stuck in this ever shrinking box which is shrinking at a snail's pace. I know it will eventually crush me to death but the anticipitation is unbearable.
I can die any moment I want to; I have spent years researching methods and gathering supplies. I have access to atleast four different suicide methods within 5 feet of me.

And if I was sure that it won't cause others pain, I would have done it already.
I would have done it over a dozen times today.

But I don't want to be the cause of other people pain. Maybe it's my brain's best way of forcing me to continue this unpleasant existence.

I know, no one can help me in this situation, except me. But I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Even my doctor doesn't know that I'm spiraling again; I see no benefit in telling them and continuing this stupid cycle.

I feel like I want to scream but I have no mouth.
I feel like I want to run but I have no legs and I'm tied to a wall.

I know what I want and yet I don't.
This all probably doesn't make a hell lot of sense. But thank you for being the void I can scream in without needing a mouth.

First of all I want to congratulate you for being vulnerable enough to share whats going on in your mind, that is very difficult. It is hard to be that brave, and even when we are we dont always articulate things well. Luckily, what you have written is very clear. There are lots of people on this website who will continue to listen to you and root for you, I bet you have some people in real life who will do the same as well. But, we are not experts or professionals. We will offer support in the ways that we can but I think its crucial for you to tell your doctor these things. There are much better equipped to actually help you made decisions. Continue to speak up here, but also seek help from experts and hopeful overtime the solutions will present themselves

 

[RandomDude1234]

Thank you for the kind words @tidalwxves