Venting Stuck in my head

[CommitSudoku]

Don't mind me, just need to get stuff off my chest. I'm very stuck in my head which is the worst place I could be.

My family is in the midst of falling apart for some time now but it's getting worse faster due to deteriorating health of some relatives. And of my parents, to be honest. My uncle is probably in the process of dying and I'm not sure I've come to terms with it. My dad's health is questionable as well, I don't think I've come to terms with this either. I wish so much I could just donate my body to my uncle since he cares about living and maybe it would spare him some of the pain he's in. My dad will be devastated when he leaves and it got back to me that he told his brother's wife, "I can't handle death." I feel so much guilt over these words. Losing his brother and me around the same time, it brings me so much guilt to think of it. But I can't take this life, I never could and honestly shouldn't have made it this long. Even with the guilt my desire to die hasn't changed, I just feel worse. I simply lack the energy to commit some methods and the means to commit others. I don't know what to do, I can distract myself with mindless things or working but as soon as that's gone one thing or the other will crash down on me.
I don't have any connections I can trust with these feelings. Thank you to the community here for letting me be here. I honestly don't know if I should just let myself breakdown or not. It's harder to pick up the pieces every time. I miss when I had some people I could be honest with but they proved to me I couldn't and that hurt as well. My pain isn't wanted, of course it isn't, I don't want it either. I wish things could have been differently but my mind can't take too much anymore.
I might post more, thanks to anyone who cares to read this far.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I'm sorry you are going through this, I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I also struggle to cope with life, in my case I should have never existed in the first place. I wish you the best in whatever happens

 

[CommitSudoku]

Now he's told me directly how he can't handle death. I wish I wasn't such an awful person and could handle life better so I wasn't at the point where my own death is my only wish. But that's all I've wanted for years, I've never wanted life. It honestly makes me want to escape more, all this guilt and I can't even offer comfort to him or anyone else. I don't even know how to talk to anyone much less offer comfort. My existence is a waste, I wish so much I could donate whatever still works in my body and be granted death.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Nowhere else I can really write freely so here I go again haha
I've promised myself to try something again seriously this next weekend. Either CO or hanging. As I write this I've only got the oven running, I know it's too much to think this would be enough to kill me, but quite honestly just knowing the gas is around me brings me peace. I should be sleeping but anxiety would keep me from it anyways. I feel like I'm getting a headache too and I'm not sure if it's from the gas or just my anxiety building up. But aside from that I actually feel quite calm. Listened to some music I like, realized I had nothing to lose and texted the person I desire most to have in my life but never will. She said she would miss me, I honestly can't believe her since at this point we talk so little she wouldn't even notice if I left without a word. But I don't mind. It was nice of her and she's always been too nice for me. I also realized things will just never be how they once were. It's impossible to go back to what I once was, I'll never be able to have conversations with her again like I once did.
I know I'll make things worse for my family when I eventually succeed, everyone else I won't have much of an impact on. I simply just never truly mattered that much. My life was a waste through and through. I've digressed though. I know I won't succeed tonight, but I have hope for the future. Somewhat funny to hope for an end. But I feel like I have come to a point where there's just utterly nothing left to lose and nothing left worth saving. It's nice to be honest on here. My head is a mess but for once I've reached a nice calm. If only I could sleep and be lucky enough to never wake up but for now I'll prepare to do more to make that a reality by my own accord.