Help Stuck in limbo

[sohopelessandempty]

The conflict of wanting to recover vs not wanting to, and even wanting to get worse. I'm sure most of us have experienced this but how do I stop being in limbo and just pick one? Because I can't decide and haven't been able to for many many years, I haven't accomplished either. I am in a weird in-between state and that literally gets me nowhere. Nobody can make me choose anything but how do people figure out what they truly want? I am always changing my mind on what I want, and it's exhausting and doesn't even give me what I want on either side of the coin. It's okay to change my mind and okay to be undecided but I'm just tired of always switching. It keeps me trapped and then I don't get anything I thought I wanted.

 

[just_a_guy]

I sympathize with what you're going through. I've had the same. My new plan is to do anything I can to slowly harm myself physically like vaping, weed, alcohol, no eating for days etc. I will destroy myself with culpable deniability so that the people I care for can see me go slowly instead of one event, since that's what people are more comfortable with. I'm over wanting to be better. I keep giving, and I'm broken and empty. I wish you well in figuring this out sohopelessandempty.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I sympathize with what you're going through. I've had the same. My new plan is to do anything I can to slowly harm myself physically like vaping, weed, alcohol, no eating for days etc. I will destroy myself with culpable deniability so that the people I care for can see me go slowly instead of one event, since that's what people are more comfortable with. I'm over wanting to be better. I keep giving, and I'm broken and empty. I wish you well in figuring this out sohopelessandempty.

I understand this too. However I will say whether people are more comfortable with you going slower is debatable, maybe you're right since I don't know them but generally the saying "rip off the bandaid" exists for a reason. Slowly is longer suffering while quickly hurts more at first but it's over sooner. Do what you want though. Also, I have friends who smoke weed and it actually makes them feel better and my friend sometimes wants to die until she gets her cart and realizes sometimes it's not that serious lol. So just keep that in mind. Drugs can be fun so maybe not the best choice if you really want to get worse??? Not denying they can be bad though. There's obviously a difference between someone who drinks to have fun at parties vs someone who drinks to hurt themselves. Also, how long did it take you to decide what you want to do instead of being stuck in between two choices?

 

[just_a_guy]

It took years to get to this point. Years, where I have had disappointment after disappointment, where I gave way too much to people, and got very little back. I don't do any of these things socially, since I don't have friends. I just do it to escape reality for a bit, and to hopefully worsen my physical situation. I also have intense self hatred, so it feels right to do these things to myself.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

It took years to get to this point. Years, where I have had disappointment after disappointment, where I gave way too much to people, and got very little back. I don't do any of these things socially, since I don't have friends. I just do it to escape reality for a bit, and to hopefully worsen my physical situation. I also have intense self hatred, so it feels right to do these things to myself.

I've been stuck undecided for years and I don't know how much longer it'll take to get out of this weird state. I understand the feeling of constantly being disappointed. Also not sure where you live but if you live in the US medical bills are insane so be careful if you plan on worsening your health.

 

[just_a_guy]

I've been stuck undecided for years and I don't know how much longer it'll take to get out of this weird state. I understand the feeling of constantly being disappointed. Also not sure where you live but if you live in the US medical bills are insane so be careful if you plan on worsening your health.

Nah, I'm in South Africa. We face our own issues, but yea, the US health care system is notorious for fucking people over.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Nah, I'm in South Africa. We face our own issues, but yea, the US health care system is notorious for fucking people over.

Yeah it sucks here, this is why I don't bother trying to injure myself in any way. It's not worth it.

 

[Andarna]

I think that if there is a part of you that wants to recover, it would be good to move in that direction. Death can always wait. Of course, I know it's easier said than done. What once helped me take a step forward was letting go of all-or-nothing decisions and instead turning the process into a challenge.

You can give yourself a year to recover and commit to it. Just one year. After that time, you might have a clearer idea of whether this is the direction you want to take or not.

I hope you find your answers.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't really feel like I can suicide till my Dad goes first but, I have pretty much decided not to bother trying to 'recover' or make my life better. For me, it's more like- treading water till I can leave.

For me, it was simply about working out what I still wanted and what I was willing to do to achieve it. That's part of the issue for me though- what initially meant so much to me- things like achieving more in my creative career, finding a partner- just don't matter so much now. So- for me, my life drives went.

Also though- I'm not prepared to do what I'd need to, to achieve them. I don't want to go through discomfort and fear to try and tackle my social anxiety and lack of confidence to advance in my career. I don't want to put the effort into being attractive for someone. I don't want to risk rejection- from jobs or people. So- I'm simply not willing to put in the effort to strive for the things I at least used to want in life.

So- the path is kind of clear for me. Still not easy though. The creative job I have is still better than any other job I've done. So- I still need to work hard to maintain it. But I am able to spare myself the stress, effort, fear of failure in striving for more now.

I am able to enjoy the relief of that. It's nice to have that calmer mindset. The idea of dying before I'm old also means I don't have to worry so much about being a financial success/ building up a pension. I fear old age and illness too. Suicide makes sense to save myself from that fate.

Ultimately though, I asked myself questions like: 'What do I want? What will fix my life? Am I willing to put in the effort to achieve that? Will I be able to sustain that hope through (likely) disappointments/ failures? Does my 'prize' look worth the effort?' Also of course on the other hand: 'How easy am I likely to find suicide? How comfortable do I feel with the methods available to me? Is suicide worth the risk? (Obviously- it carries the risk of being painful, frightening plus- the attempt failing and ending up in a worse state.)

So- I suppose- it's all been weighing up the pros and cons on both sides.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I think that if there is a part of you that wants to recover, it would be good to move in that direction. Death can always wait. Of course, I know it's easier said than done. What once helped me take a step forward was letting go of all-or-nothing decisions and instead turning the process into a challenge.

You can give yourself a year to recover and commit to it. Just one year. After that time, you might have a clearer idea of whether this is the direction you want to take or not.

I hope you find your answers.

This is great advice. I realized I haven't truly been trying since I'm not sure what I want. For a year like you said, I will try my best to recover and if it doesn't work and what I do after that is up to me. I'm gonna try to get antidepressants next week, this year is my first time getting any sort of actual professional help. Also like you said, death can always wait. I have a bad habit with all or nothing decisions and need to let that mindset go, I'll still try to feel better but like people say, healing isn't linear. I'll probably have many depression relapses along the way. But that's life. I'm hesitant to even post this reply because I'm not sure if I'll actually try and recover for a year. It's really difficult. Maybe I'll fix my sleep schedule too.

I don't really feel like I can suicide till my Dad goes first but, I have pretty much decided not to bother trying to 'recover' or make my life better. For me, it's more like- treading water till I can leave.

For me, it was simply about working out what I still wanted and what I was willing to do to achieve it. That's part of the issue for me though- what initially meant so much to me- things like achieving more in my creative career, finding a partner- just don't matter so much now. So- for me, my life drives went.

Also though- I'm not prepared to do what I'd need to, to achieve them. I don't want to go through discomfort and fear to try and tackle my social anxiety and lack of confidence to advance in my career. I don't want to put the effort into being attractive for someone. I don't want to risk rejection- from jobs or people. So- I'm simply not willing to put in the effort to strive for the things I at least used to want in life.

So- the path is kind of clear for me. Still not easy though. The creative job I have is still better than any other job I've done. So- I still need to work hard to maintain it. But I am able to spare myself the stress, effort, fear of failure in striving for more now.

I am able to enjoy the relief of that. It's nice to have that calmer mindset. The idea of dying before I'm old also means I don't have to worry so much about being a financial success/ building up a pension. I fear old age and illness too. Suicide makes sense to save myself from that fate.

Ultimately though, I asked myself questions like: 'What do I want? What will fix my life? Am I willing to put in the effort to achieve that? Will I be able to sustain that hope through (likely) disappointments/ failures? Does my 'prize' look worth the effort?' Also of course on the other hand: 'How easy am I likely to find suicide? How comfortable do I feel with the methods available to me? Is suicide worth the risk? (Obviously- it carries the risk of being painful, frightening plus- the attempt failing and ending up in a worse state.)

So- I suppose- it's all been weighing up the pros and cons on both sides.

Yes, I tried to make a pros and cons list of suicide but life is so complicated I never finished the list because I could name a ridiculous amount of things on either side. I'll hopefully figure out what I want someday, and if I spend my whole life in limbo then I guess nature chooses for me anyway.