Venting Stuck in anxiety prison

[randomz]

Hi guys, new member here.

I will try to keep my story short.

I have always had depression and axiety but thought (and have been said) that I am just overreacting and even pretending and that I am just too emotional. As years went by I just accepted that as normal and went on with life to become a happy person, who always joke about stuff and someone who devoted himself to make people around him feel better and be at leas a bit happier.
I got accepted to law school (even though I was not sure that's what I wanted and still not sure), graduated from it with really good grades, got a great girlfriend and not many but still a good amount of people I could call friends during those times.

After I graduated I got a job at a stable and good law firm in my hometown (I don't know why I returned here, I don't even like it) aaaand....that's when my anxiety and depression hit me like a train.
For the past 6-7 months I am constantly stressed, feel like I can't do even the simpliest of tasks well, basically I feel like a complete and utter failure. I can't find joy in almost anything that made me happy before - I used to absolutely love reading books and playing video games (I have always been a gamer). Now both of those things seem like a chore to me sometimes, something I tell myself to do to feel better but it doesn't help.
I still have my girlfriend who is really supportive but her words seem to fall on my deaf ears and I am still focused in my misery and self-pity.
I talked to a close relative to me who is a succesfull lawyer and he told me that the stress I feel is completely normal and I just have to learn to deal with it. But I don't think I have the strength to do that - I constantly feel emotionally exhausted and unable to do even simple tasks.
I go to a therapist, who is a good profesional but the talks with her don't really have an effect on me after a day or two after a session.
I thought quitting my job and moving anywhere else and doing something else would be a good decision but I realise that the problem is only in me, and I need to change in order to see the world through a different lense,but I just feel so tired....

I used to have dreams about the future, that I will have a good family with the girl I love and we will have kids and jobs that we love but now all I see is darkness ahead. (I don't think I need to say that I think about committing suicide all the time)

I don't know if I could describe my situation well enough but english is not my native language and I tried to keep the story short as I don't want to bore you and because I am at work now.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Are you asking for advice and input or just venting? I'm happy to offer suggestions if you want them, or to just hear if you want to share more.

 

[randomz]

Well, both really. I will be glad to get any advice that you think could help me in my situation.

 

[lymbo]

Well, both really. I will be glad to get any advice that you think could help me in my situation.

go see a therapyst he wyll maybe gyve u somethyng for your anxyety lyke lorazepam and u wyll be good as new. yts not good to thynk about cbt symply coz of anxyety> your problem ys fyxable

 

[erehbus]

Hi guys, new member here.

I will try to keep my story short.

I have always had depression and axiety but thought (and have been said) that I am just overreacting and even pretending and that I am just too emotional. As years went by I just accepted that as normal and went on with life to become a happy person, who always joke about stuff and someone who devoted himself to make people around him feel better and be at leas a bit happier.
I got accepted to law school (even though I was not sure that's what I wanted and still not sure), graduated from it with really good grades, got a great girlfriend and not many but still a good amount of people I could call friends during those times.

After I graduated I got a job at a stable and good law firm in my hometown (I don't know why I returned here, I don't even like it) aaaand....that's when my anxiety and depression hit me like a train.
For the past 6-7 months I am constantly stressed, feel like I can't do even the simpliest of tasks well, basically I feel like a complete and utter failure. I can't find joy in almost anything that made me happy before - I used to absolutely love reading books and playing video games (I have always been a gamer). Now both of those things seem like a chore to me sometimes, something I tell myself to do to feel better but it doesn't help.
I still have my girlfriend who is really supportive but her words seem to fall on my deaf ears and I am still focused in my misery and self-pity.
I talked to a close relative to me who is a succesfull lawyer and he told me that the stress I feel is completely normal and I just have to learn to deal with it. But I don't think I have the strength to do that - I constantly feel emotionally exhausted and unable to do even simple tasks.
I go to a therapist, who is a good profesional but the talks with her don't really have an effect on me after a day or two after a session.
I thought quitting my job and moving anywhere else and doing something else would be a good decision but I realise that the problem is only in me, and I need to change in order to see the world through a different lense,but I just feel so tired....

I used to have dreams about the future, that I will have a good family with the girl I love and we will have kids and jobs that we love but now all I see is darkness ahead. (I don't think I need to say that I think about committing suicide all the time)

I don't know if I could describe my situation well enough but english is not my native language and I tried to keep the story short as I don't want to bore you and because I am at work now.

Hey - that is completely me. Been working on a big law in TF for the past 2.5 years, anxiety and depression just got out of control.

I am told that it does not get better, you just learn to cope with it. When I am not considering suicide, I am seriously considering changing careers, as law is just a very toxic place to be, and sometimes I feel no money can buy what I am losing here - my life, apparently. However just the thought of no longer having the perfect career, the perfect salary, the prestige sends me off on an anxious spiral...

Routine seems to be: work 16h, try to fit some GF time and some book/videogame time, sleep.

 

[GreyMonkey]

Well, both really. I will be glad to get any advice that you think could help me in my situation.

Depression and anxiety are usually signs of developmental (childhood) trauma. Often repressed anger (anger turned inwards) and/or unprocessed grief.

Basically due to inconsistency or lack of validation and emotional attunement and being taught through mirroring how to fully own, express and regulate or emotions we can then have impaired abilities and as such emotions will manifest in distorted and maladaptive ways.

The thing about childhood trauma is it can be so so subtle. We tend to think only of overt abuse, however even in a loving family where there was nothing we might call abuse, emotional neglect or feelings of abandonment to a child can be devastating and create an internal dialogue that said "there is something wrong with me". All negative self talk is the wounded child.

Love of reading and video games suggests a tendency to dissociation (being up in your head habitually to avoid particular feelings) which I believe is a common feature of depression.

Now this is easy to speak about yet much much harder to work through.

Therapy can help if it's the right kind with someone really good. You have a good job and a girlfriend. That's enough reason to want to do the work.

I find just regular talk therapy is not enough, and neither are the more cognitive types like CBT, ACT, etc.

I think working somatically is what is important. Working to process and discharge the trapped emotions from childhood.
Somatic experiencing and NARM are the modalities that I have found to help.
Emdr can work too unless your depression is strongly from abandonment feelings in which case working relationally is a better idea.

A good therapist should never really be giving advice and be taking less than 1/3 of the time. The time in therapy is ideally a type of emotional work. You should feel tired after therapy, like going to brain gym. If it's not rewiring the brain then it's not really doing anything other than being a place to talk to someone.

That would be the starting point. Then perhaps see if you can learn meditation, maybe yoga. Work on having a good diet.

If you want to you could work through this.

I actually feel envious. My situation is a lot worse and I left it a lot longer to work on. I have been doing the therapy and making some changes yet other circumstances are making it very hard for me.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Random sorry you feel like you do.
@GreyMonkey I think that was excellent advice. I wish I'd had advice like that 30 years ago.

 

[GreyMonkey]

@GreyMonkey I think that was excellent advice. I wish I'd had advice like that 30 years ago.

Yes I wish I had access to this kind of support in my teens. Might have saved the fucking mess I've made and continue to make of my life.

 

[randomz]

go see a therapyst he wyll maybe gyve u somethyng for your anxyety lyke lorazepam and u wyll be good as new. yts not good to thynk about cbt symply coz of anxyety> your problem ys fyxable

Thank you for the reply, I also think that some meds will be helpful to my situation. Gotta find a psychiatrist who has working times which are good with my schedule.

Hey - that is completely me. Been working on a big law in TF for the past 2.5 years, anxiety and depression just got out of control.

I am told that it does not get better, you just learn to cope with it. When I am not considering suicide, I am seriously considering changing careers, as law is just a very toxic place to be, and sometimes I feel no money can buy what I am losing here - my life, apparently. However just the thought of no longer having the perfect career, the perfect salary, the prestige sends me off on an anxious spiral...

Routine seems to be: work 16h, try to fit some GF time and some book/videogame time, sleep.

Again, completely me. The difference in my situation is that right now (you could say freshly out of law school as I have graduated and started working in the firm about 10 months ago) I basically don't care about the size of my salary (which is not yet that high and I don't know if it could get high if my anxiety and depression keep ruining my results) or even my public image (don't care what other people think of me) but what worries me is that I kinda feel that I will ruin my family's name by quitting law and starting something else. I also don't really have interest in any other job as preparing for and then studying in law school has taken the bigger part of my time the past 10 or so years.

I also fear that at some point in the not so distant future I will be sorry for the missed oportunity for a big paycheck at the end of the month.

Depression and anxiety are usually signs of developmental (childhood) trauma. Often repressed anger (anger turned inwards) and/or unprocessed grief.

Basically due to inconsistency or lack of validation and emotional attunement and being taught through mirroring how to fully own, express and regulate or emotions we can then have impaired abilities and as such emotions will manifest in distorted and maladaptive ways.

The thing about childhood trauma is it can be so so subtle. We tend to think only of overt abuse, however even in a loving family where there was nothing we might call abuse, emotional neglect or feelings of abandonment to a child can be devastating and create an internal dialogue that said "there is something wrong with me". All negative self talk is the wounded child.

Love of reading and video games suggests a tendency to dissociation (being up in your head habitually to avoid particular feelings) which I believe is a common feature of depression.

Now this is easy to speak about yet much much harder to work through.

Therapy can help if it's the right kind with someone really good. You have a good job and a girlfriend. That's enough reason to want to do the work.

I find just regular talk therapy is not enough, and neither are the more cognitive types like CBT, ACT, etc.

I think working somatically is what is important. Working to process and discharge the trapped emotions from childhood.
Somatic experiencing and NARM are the modalities that I have found to help.
Emdr can work too unless your depression is strongly from abandonment feelings in which case working relationally is a better idea.

A good therapist should never really be giving advice and be taking less than 1/3 of the time. The time in therapy is ideally a type of emotional work. You should feel tired after therapy, like going to brain gym. If it's not rewiring the brain then it's not really doing anything other than being a place to talk to someone.

That would be the starting point. Then perhaps see if you can learn meditation, maybe yoga. Work on having a good diet.

If you want to you could work through this.

I actually feel envious. My situation is a lot worse and I left it a lot longer to work on. I have been doing the therapy and making some changes yet other circumstances are making it very hard for me.

Thank you for taking time to give me that advice, it really is helpful and you are right in what you said. I did start going to a therapist and I have had about 4 sessions with her so far and for now I don't feel that emotional and brain exhastion you are talking about. I blame myself though, as I am not 100% honest with her sometimes when she asks me some questions because of shame.

As far as childhood trauma goes - that's also correct and is something that my terapist told me on my second session. I did spend my childhood in a bit of a problematic family and grew up with a mother who loved me a lot but, to put it mildly, didn't exactly give me the right of free speech and expressing myself.