Story Stuck in a weird state between wanting to recover and wanting to ctb

[mossball]

Hello everyone, hope you're having a tolerable day.

For context, I was on the verge of actually CTBing and was commited to a psychiatric hospital for 36 days. They gave me all the talks, changed my meds around, all that. And it was honestly awful and sometimes I get severe anxiety that I'll get sent back... I will if they find me here haha. And anyway, I guess I do feel more stable.

What I'm trying to get at is, I still feel like I should ctb and I want to, for a few reasons. But now I'm... I don't wake up and feel like I can't take another second anymore. I feel like I can live a while longer if it doesn't feel awful. I'm for once finally fine with that idea — living longer! An idea that felt unbearable before.

Well... So can I try to recover to see how I feel? No strings attached? I guess I might just be scared.

Anyways, sorry for the rant if anyone's read it. I'm just anxious about this whole thing and deciding to give it a go. There are reasons to give it a go. I guess everyone has.

 

[Shadowrider]

If you feel like giving your life another chance, I can only encourage you to go for it! If you don't feel you cannot take another second any more, then I don't think there should be any doubt. Of course you are anxious, I assume nobody would _not_ be anxious after a 36 days' stay in hospital.

I cannot tell you what to do or what to avoid, but your post gave me the impression you have good chances for life. (And I am not the most shiny-happy person you've ever encountered, heh.)

 

[mossball]

If you feel like giving your life another chance, I can only encourage you to go for it! If you don't feel you cannot take another second any more, then I don't think there should be any doubt. Of course you are anxious, I assume nobody would _not_ be anxious after a 36 days' stay in hospital.

I cannot tell you what to do or what to avoid, but your post gave me the impression you have good chances for life. (And I am not the most shiny-happy person you've ever encountered, heh.)

Honestly you're right. I think for now I'll just try to give myself the chance. I have to tell myself that wanting to give it a chance is okay and there's no shame in me being alive. Thank you for your words.

 

[ClownMe]

It's difficult to gauge based solely on your post and the fact that I don't know how you feel right no. (because im not you).

I would say to give life another go, if you think you can go on and you think there's a chance that things could genuinely turn around for you then you might as well give it a crack.

 

[western_heart]

Relatable. I am bouncing between wanting to CTB and wanting to survive. I thought I was starting to stabilize, but this morning the first thing I started thinking about was CTB.

I'm still going to try to recover, as long as people in my life are supporting me. The worst that can happen is that I end up CTB anyway. "When, not if", hopefully the when is decades from now.

 

[WornOutLife]

I totally understand the way you feel.
I felt like that for 3 years when I had become a NEET who only spent his days in bed sleeping, checking his phone or wasting his time on gaming and netflix.

My best advice for you is to start from baby steps to giant strides. For instance, clean your room and go for a walk everyday.
You'll start feeling better and will have more energy to do stuff little by little.

 

[FuneralCry]

If there is a chance you could get better and your life could improve you should try it. I know how hard it is when you still want to ctb. You have nothing to lose really. The option to ctb is always there if things become unbearable.

 

[mossball]

Relatable. I am bouncing between wanting to CTB and wanting to survive. I thought I was starting to stabilize, but this morning the first thing I started thinking about was CTB.

I'm still going to try to recover, as long as people in my life are supporting me. The worst that can happen is that I end up CTB anyway. "When, not if", hopefully the when is decades from now.

I guess it must be a slow process. The day by day sure is tiresome so far. But if you want to and can take another day, there is a chance the next will be better. (I'm trying to only think of things on a day to day.) Wish you the best on your path and may there always be someone there to support you too, that always changes things for the better.

I totally understand the way you feel.
I felt like that for 3 years when I had become a NEET who only spent his days in bed sleeping, checking his phone or wasting his time on gaming and netflix.

My best advice for you is to start from baby steps to giant strides. For instance, clean your room and go for a walk everyday.
You'll start feeling better and will have more energy to do stuff little by little.

Oh you're totally right about not being able to do stuff. I'm considering even logging in somewhere and saying a few words a success. Kept up with my crappy art too. I hope you're right and the persistence pays off, that would be a massive change and a motivator. Hope it paid off for you.

If there is a chance you could get better and your life could improve you should try it. I know how hard it is when you still want to ctb. You have nothing to lose really. The option to ctb is always there if things become unbearable.

For some reason that is comforting, the idea of no strings attached... like I can just take this out for a test drive. Feels better. I tried explaining this to my SO when he asked if I still wanted to ctb, but knew he would make a face, so I said something like "I feel like I still want to go, but not right now... I feel like one day, but there are things worth giving a shot for a while."