ctemourge
and by the time ur hearing this ill already b gone
- Aug 14, 2023
- 97
when things go good it scares the living hell out of me. all i do is cry. all i do is try to find a way out of this. i've noticed that when i have to beg and plead and break myself apart for even an ounce of the bare minimum, thats when i feel best. like i have to truly work for it to feel good. but when im given reassurance, love , stability…. i feel like im ripping apart at the seams. you would think this would feel amazing, cure me even!! but it truly feels like war. i cannot get comfortable. i can have the most incredible time! and i do. i really enjoy the live ive been handed right now, but the second im alone again… i break down. i will completely have a full blown meltdown. i know im not used to good at all, my entire life has been traumatic. nonstop. i used to beg for the life i have now, and now that i have it… it hurts. its scary. i hate feeling this way. i hate this feeling so badly. its like no matter what i do i will always find myself hurt and broken down again. ive been so suicidal again, i really just want to die. i want this pain to stop. i want to sabotage it all before it happens to me first. everyone leaves. i dont like the feeling of waiting for it all to end. its inevitable. im fucking sick. i hate my body i hate my brain i hate my soul i hate everything about me. i truly cant do this anymore… i dont deserve good things i dont deserve love so i dont know why i even entertain it. i think its best if i self isolate to the point where nobody remembers me and i can just die. nobody else is the problem but me. i dont want to live like this anymore :( i love this person and the life theyve given me, but at what cost? im going to end up hurting everyone in the long run. i just need to die.
