Venting Stuck between suffering and an impulsive CTB attempt.

[elderDrifter]

I don't know how much longer I can take having this weight on my shoulders. My life has become nothing but a series of big problems that need to be fixed, and the anxiety from them is weighing on me constantly. It's causing physical pains along my body and I don't know how much longer I have it in me to take this.

I'm too paralyzed and drained by this anxiety and tension to actually face these problems, and even the thought of trying drains me to no end.

I have SN that might not be good based on my testing, and I have a method as backup that's highly questionable (it's never been used to CTB; only life threatening symptoms from accidental ingestion). Plus I simply don't want to do that to my mom. That's a lot to put on someone who has done nothing but care for you and try to work with you.

This is so hard, I'm stuck between two very difficult places and eventually it will come to a head. And that scares me a bit.

 

[Agon321]

You have the same problem as many of us.

You are stuck between life and death.
You are at the border and you don't know which direction you should go.
I understand your feelings.
Your thoughts are chaotic and you are completely lost.
Every decision seems wrong.
This is a very popular scheme.
Unfortunately, there is no single answer.

This is a decision that everyone must make for themselves.
Fight or surrender.
Sometimes it is better to fight, sometimes it is better to surrender.
It's hard to tell.

I don't know you, so I don't know what your situation is.
I cannot and should not advise.
I can only comfort you.
Many of us have the same dilemma and each of us makes the final decision ourselves.
I don't know if it comforts you, but sometimes it's better to suffer in a group than alone ;).

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful and tiring what you are go through, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Linda]

I don't know how much longer I can take having this weight on my shoulders. My life has become nothing but a series of big problems that need to be fixed, and the anxiety from them is weighing on me constantly. It's causing physical pains along my body and I don't know how much longer I have it in me to take this.

I'm too paralyzed and drained by this anxiety and tension to actually face these problems, and even the thought of trying drains me to no end.

I have SN that might not be good based on my testing, and I have a method as backup that's highly questionable (it's never been used to CTB; only life threatening symptoms from accidental ingestion). Plus I simply don't want to do that to my mom. That's a lot to put on someone who has done nothing but care for you and try to work with you.

This is so hard, I'm stuck between two very difficult places and eventually it will come to a head. And that scares me a bit.

"... a series of big problems that need to be fixed ... " I suggest you start by writing down a list of your problems. Then, for each of them, write down the things that you could do to start fixing that problem. You will then have a long list of possible actions. Arrange them into some sort of order, such as putting the easiest and/or most practical ones first. Then get busy.
Starting wth the easy actions, and succeeding with some of them, might give you the motivation and confidence to tackle the more difficult ones.
I can't guarantee that doing that will fix all your problems, but it might. I can guarantee that doing nothing won't fix them.
If you try to fix them and find that it's impossible, the option to ctb won't have gone away.
If you want to share the details of some of your problems here, there will certainly be members who have relevant experience and who can probably help you with them.
Good luck.

 

[girlsboysthems]

our own personal earthly purgatory...