Help Stuck between choosing to leave or choosing to stay

[GrumpyFrog]

I apologize if I should've posted it in the other part of this forum. I am in the middle, so I am not sure where this thread should've gone.

I don't have an option to take a peaceful way out. The more I think about it, the more it seems like my only option is a method I failed before with awful consequences, and it terrifies me. I am afraid of pain, I am afraid of failing. I kind of wish I could give it a chance and recover instead. It's just that I don't see a way to do it.

There is nothing dramatic or tragic about my situation, it's just pathetic. I've been a teacher for 7 years, but the last 3 of them weren't good at all. I attempted suicide for personal reasons that are a whole other can of worms back in 2017. I was obviously unsuccessful and left with brain damage. I developed cognitive issues not compatible with my job, or possibly any job. I lasted for a couple of years because I had a good friend at work, who really helped me out and covered for me when things got really bad. But he got fed up with his own life, quit his job and emigrated, so I was left alone. I barely lasted the year at work after that, and in June I was told the company isn't interested in renewing my contract. Even though I found a new job relatively quickly, I still ended up in a very bad financial situation. I was already barely getting by while constantly employed, and just a short period of being unemployed combined with some bad luck were enough for me to max out my credit card, get a second one and almost max out that one too, and run out of all other money. I have no food and no medications. On top of that, my laptop broke and it is not fixable without replacing the screen, which is fairly expensive. I am currently using a borrowed laptop, but I will have to give it back by the end of this week (don't worry, it's a borrowed laptop, but I am still using my own HDD, so no information is going to get to anyone). I need a laptop for work, because being out of meds made me so unwell physically I can't come to the office, I can only work from home. I have no idea what to do after this weekend. I don't see any way out other than CTB, and not even in a nice way. I know it's my own fault.

I guess what I'm asking for is your opinions. Is there a way out for me, or am I correct to assume I exhausted my options? And if I'm not - what could be the things I failed to consider?

Thank you for reading.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in and what's happened to you previously. Is there no way you can have the laptop for longer? Can work not provide you with one to work from home with?

 

[timf]

It can feel pretty bad when the walls seem to close in and options seem to disappear.

When one considers resources upon which to draw, there are usually three main categories.

1. Relatives, friends, neighbors co-workers.
2. Government agencies and programs.
3. Religious and charitable organizations.

You might try going through your resources to see what help you can get. It may take several. For example a relative may offer you a place to stay that is free. A government agency might be able to get you medical help. A church might be able to help you work on your finances.

If one life has been damaged, a new one can be built, but it may take time.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Thanks for replies, guys!

Is there no way you can have the laptop for longer?

I don't think so. It belongs to a buddy of mine, we aren't even close friends, I feel I am already taking a bit too much advantage of him by borrowing his laptop for a week, even if he has another PC at home. I am not sure if I myself would lend my laptop to a casual acquaintance for a week, if I was in his shoes. I definitely don't think it would be appropriate to ask to keep it for longer.

Can work not provide you with one to work from home with?

They can do it for workers that are permanently hired, but I am not yet, I am on a probational period until October 22. They've already made it clear they aren't going to give me their tech until they're really sure they want me to stay and I sign a permanent contract. According to the current contract I have, the company can drop me at any point and I can decide not to proceed with my probation at any moment. If that happens, both sides are considered completely free from any obligations towards each other, aside from giving a warning shortly before parting ways. So I don't blame them, if I am worried about them not paying me for the work I've already done if they decide not to hire me, they must be just as worried about me randomly quitting and not returning their laptop.

I guess I really did run out of resources. Well, that's sad.

 

[CuddleHug]

Do you have no one to ask if they have an old laptop they are not using anymore? Or an old monitor, perhaps? Thinking you can plug that into your broken laptop and circumvent having to replace the screen.

Your situation sucks and I wish there was more I could do for you. Have a hug, I can always share those

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Do you have no one to ask if they have an old laptop they are not using anymore? Or an old monitor, perhaps?

Thank you for advice. I've asked around, but sadly got a rather predictable result. There were a couple options of old laptops no one is using anymore, but we're talking "over 10 years old laptop" here, while that's still a nice offer, it just isn't going to be able to run modern software I need for work. I don't know what else I was expecting. I live in a fairly poor country, less well off people usually use their tech until it's completely unusable, more well off people might afford to buy an upgrade, but if their old tech is in a decent state, they will most likely immediately sell it, and to find someone who has an old laptop just laying around you've got to have some fairly rich friends. Same thing with monitors. I actually could get a monitor from my roommate, but since he kind of depends on me for money he wasn't able to buy a new monitor like he planned, so no luck...

But I am still very grateful for the hug