Help Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Wayfaerer]

So the pressure on me has been really turned up. I live at home and am a senior studying at a university and I'm two semesters from graduation. However, the past one-and-a-half years of my life have been the absolute worst (and it's been crap for awhile.) As a result, I've done very poorly in school and it's only increasing my incentive for CTB. If my life hadn't gone to hell since 2018, I would've already received my diploma a couple of weeks ago but it just wasn't in the cards for me after all. However, I am not past the dreaded "point of no return" exactly. I have until the beginning of next year to drop my classes and figure out some other alternative before the semester starts but if that doesn't happen then I go from being a 95% goner to a flat 100% one. I want to at least continue my last semester so I can pocket a few thousand to blow away before I CTB but I won't have any more drops left and I'd fail everything. This, of course, would be catastrophic if a literal miracle happens and for whatever reason I don't CTB. However, that odds of that are extremely unlikely anyway. I cannot focus on school considering how miserable that I am so that's not going to happen either.

Even then, I've already told everyone that I would be graduating in the Spring (said it would be my "last semseter") so it would be very, very bad even if I somehow chose not to. I'm financially dependent on my parents and I know my step-father would flip his lid if he found out I've been bluffing all this time about my progress. He doesn't understand at all what I've been going through and I can count on being homeless. The consequences for my end would be devastating to those closest to me, specifically my siblings. I dread the thought of how they'd react but I really don't have any good alternatives either way.

For some reason, something stubborn in me wants to hang on but I don't see any hope realistically. Even if I didn't CTB, I'd have to reconfigure my life radically and fight just to have some lowly, meager existence. Doesn't seem worth it for what I'd have to put in. I know I won't be dying with piece of mind and that is really getting to me more than anything else. Basically, I'm quite set on my plan just out of desperation but the what if's are deeply unsettling. If I have to go through this, I don't want to be mostly sure, I want to be 100% sure before I'm forced into it for real. I'm not even asking for things to turn around for me, just flat certainty would be good enough (that isn't of my own doing.) I'm extremely frustrated that I can get close to 100% but not exactly at 100%. I just want to be comfortable before I end it all. Thank you for reading all of this.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I didn't pick the best time of day to post this so I'll give it one bump. I'm just looking for general insight and although I can't see any other alternative other than CTB, the lack of successful attempts worldwide is very discouraging I must admit.

 

[Girobatol]

Sorry for that. The Rolling Stones line caught my attention. I think you need to continue living as you were not planning to ctb, just in case, as you are not on the point of no return yet. Take it easy during this holiday times and next year you´ll plan everything again. Thats what I´m gonna do even if I am suffering a lot because of mental illness. This is not a good time to ctb.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Sorry for that. The Rolling Stones line caught my attention. I think you need to continue living as you were not planning to ctb, just in case, as you are not on the point of no return yet. Take it easy during this holiday times and next year you´ll plan everything again. Thats what I´m gonna do even if I am suffering a lot because of mental illness. This is not a good time to ctb.

Well, there are things that I cannot return from already. I have chronic health issues and as a result mental health issues that are going to have a major impact my quality of life from here on out. On top of that, I'm short on time and flunking out of school is definitely going to be my point of no return for sure. It's just the lack of suicides that make me question myself, not the act itself. I've been set on it since May but I just can't wrap my head around why there are so few successful suicides considering how shitty our world is.

If we were living in the 50's or earlier, I'd 1000% CTB but I always wonder what technological advances we'd make in a decade or so. I'm not afraid of death but just want peace of mind before I go through with it, that it truly was hopeless. Then again, I won't be able to regret it afterwards anyway if I were somehow wrong. I'm terrified that I plan for suicide 5 months from now and by month 4 I'm suddenly thinking "oh shit, really don't want to kill myself now." There is no conceivable reason why that'd happen but just as a wild card. The pressure is going to be like the Challenger Deep once school starts and I'm suppose to keep that up for months??

 

[realjunes]

Wayfaerer
I do not know your story but I see you have been on the forum for a long time. However, you ended your last post stating you are just looking for general insight about your situation. Also, you wrote your post in the early morning hours which I know means this is preying on your mind a lot, as it would anyone.
Accordingly, allow me please to make some general observations, all of any of which you may discard. First my insight into your situation is with many years of hindsight and as a person with a graduate degree. So I think I know a little about some, but not all, of your feelings. For reasons I won't go into right now I am generally not a fan of telling people "oh, your so young" etc. when giving advice.
My journey through college was very long, over years, as I had to work full time to pay for it, and I hated every minute of it. So many times I thought I would not reach my educational goal, and there were times I stopped going, and at some point would have to re-enroll. Interruptions in such education are seldom overcome. IF you are only two (2) semesters from finishing school I beg you to consider finishing, you are just to close. The time of two semesters will pass, and at the end of that time, you can be finished with college and possess a degree, or you won't. If you are here, which is more satisfying?
You will never regret finishing, but if you live you will regret not finishing. Make it an small or medium goal for yourself. Give yourself the goal of graduating, and agree with yourself that only after you accomplish that goal, will you make an educated (pun intended) decisions about your life. Don't try to imagine right now what your life may be like in the future, just make this small goal, and promise yourself you will reevaluate after graduation.
There is also a more practical reason to finish school. You seem to suggest that by dropping out you will receive some kind of refund, but I assume that money belongs to your parents, and if not, whatever amount that is will not sustain you without the financial dreads of live on your own. You are being supported by your parents right now and you have no viable plan or resources to be on your own.
You are way ahead of many people in that you are almost through with a paid for education with your room and board provided! But whatever happens in your life later, this accomplishment MAY change your life, though you cannot conceive of it right now,
Therefore I suggest that keeping your status quo, with your goal of college completion in mind, allows you to keep a roof over your head at your parents and food on the table.
I have other things I could probably say, but I want to get these immediate thoughts out to you. I want you to have some feedback from members now, and I am sure more learned more wise members will find your thread and comment later.
Post us your thoughts and actions, if you can, and we will support you in all your choices, but here, right now, I surely hope you can get through these semesters. Best wishes and I will think of you.

 

[Wayfaerer]

@realjunes Thank you for a very well-written and heartfelt reply.

I'm afraid though that the situation is stickier than that. Like I had said, my parents are already expecting me to graduate in Spring and there is absolutely no chance of that happening. Even if I came clean, they'd at the very least ask "why?" That would definitely not fly with them. I also go to school 100% for free as well as receive a generous stipend every month and my parent's cover almost all of my bills on top of all of that. Basically it's as good as it gets as far as education is concerned. It's without a doubt one of the very few things that I lucked out on in life. However, there are some problems with sticking it out. For one, my GPA has tanked since becoming suicidal and my transcript this year has been an utter mess. Even if I graduated, what good would it do if I were dead? I loved school and there was no other place I'd rather be but I cannot focus period and the thought of getting back on SSRI's is only going to be a bandaid on my life's situation. I cannot go into details as to exactly what has made me suicidal (which is intensely frustrating) but I never once seriously considered it until this year despite how much of my life has been a slog waiting for better days.

I had also forgotten to mention that I'll be turning 28 in a few months and my youth is dwindling away as it is. I know 28 really isn't "old" but I'm no freshman. The reason why I've been in so long is because I've switched my major after spending a few years part-time student and part-time NEET. Didn't start regularly going full-time until a couple of years ago when I really began to hammer down on getting my degree and getting out.