Venting Struggling

[MidnightDream]

Really feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

Mental health is definitely at its worst.. I feel so stressed, tired and anxious all the time. Everything feels so pointless and bleak.
My degree is so difficult.. I'm stressing myself out so much, and for what? To slave away for the next 60 years of my life doing something that might just pay the bills, that might let me go on one holiday a year if I can get the time off, that might just keep up with the cost of living crisis so that I don't end up crying about money every month? And yet we're socially conditioned to actually ASPIRE to that kind of life. That's supposed to be desirable. Don't get me wrong, I do love what I'm studying, but who on earth loves the idea of working their asses off for their entire lives? No one. The subject I chose is simply offers a job that seems like the lesser of all evils.. Fuck knows what I'll do if that turns out not to be the case.

And even if that does turn out to be the case, is this all what life is about? Get the degree, get the job, work forever... Bleak. Where's the fun? Where's the novelty? I don't want my only joy in life to come from that one holiday I might be able to take a year. That's 7 days at best out of 365. The only solace I've found so far is my husband... Maybe kids will provide that too? But I'm not sure I'd want to bring a kid up in this world. Certainly not if they were to inherit my mental health. Poor sods.

Even with all of that said.. CTB just seems so permanent. You take the stuff, and it's done. You're gone. If you're not gone, you're miserable and locked up. I don't feel like those are chances I want to take. I've always struggled with commitment, and so I'm just stuck in this middle stage. Can't see myself ever recovering, can't see myself ever having the balls to ctb. Don't want to live, too scared to die. Just misery, for the next however long.

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're struggling maybe you'll find a job you enjoy where the work is enjoyable and the people are nice. I know it's still a chore and obligation but it doesn't have to be that bad, you're working towards your degree which will definitely help, well done for getting this far

 

[Pluto]

The only way life makes sense is if the good at least reasonably outweighs the bad. Not just an annual holiday, but regular quality time with loved ones, satisfying work with good people, a sense of purpose, time with your hobbies... things of that nature.

Sleep makes up a 3rd of our lives, so at least that could be seen as 'good'. The rest is a mathematical formula. If you are able to take any action regarding mental health, that could address the root of the problem.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't believe that it could ever be beneficial bringing life here, procreation just leads to unnecessary suffering and problems being experienced in which there were never a need for in the first place. Those who never exist never suffer after all. This world is such a cruel and horrific place and it would be tragic to inflict life onto other beings, so it's good that you have doubts about choosing to procreate. I do get that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped in this world having to endure endless suffering day after day. Existing can certainly be tiring but I wish you the best.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi sweet @MidnightDream

I'm sorry you are suffering like this ❤

Reading you, I understand what you are describing... The desire to give up, the tiredness and weariness of feeling the "constant" aspect of unhappiness that you feel, the anguish linked to studies.

I understand and I'm sorry you're going through all this ❤

Being immersed in studies and in conjunction with that, going bad, is an absolutely hellish combo to endure.

As you say so well, this unhappiness is temporary and I think, is a spike that manifests itself in the face of the pressure you are under, in the face of exams, in the face of the fear of not succeeding

Sometimes, when the malaise persists, it's because the question related to our expectations is not asked. In order to get better, we should ideally ask ourselves "What is it doing to me today?", "Why am I sad?", "With what I have at my disposal, what can I do to improve my quality of life?"

I imagine that you have already asked yourself these questions, but, healing is a long struggle and our best allies are time, investigation and self tolerance. Of course, I understand that this could look easier said than done. This I why I respect the time recovery can take

Your fatigue is totally legitimate, don't blame yourself for feeling this way. From one day to the next you will not tell yourself the same things about your condition, from one day to the next you will not have the same motivation and finally from one day to the next, the reasons for your unhappiness (even if there is always a theme or a series of events that explain everything) will be different.

And by the way, so will your reasons for being happy ❤

This may sound silly but, picture these thoughts, this unhappiness as a dark human figure. Imagine yourself smashing it, smashing its face in

It helps to have a concrete image of an abstract concept

Thinking about ctb is normal in the face of such distress and even if these thoughts come back, don't forget that you can be proud of yourself

Hang in there, you are strong, you will be proud to work in the areas you like

And by the same token, we will be proud of you too ❤

And even if you don't win in the end against all this, be gentle with yourself, because for many people, this struggle would be just as hard!

Ctb or not, we love you, good luck and tell us about your future exploits, you'll get there ❤

Love ❤

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm sorry you're struggling maybe you'll find a job you enjoy where the work is enjoyable and the people are nice. I know it's still a chore and obligation but it doesn't have to be that bad, you're working towards your degree which will definitely help, well done for getting this far

Thank you <3 You're right, hopefully my perspective is just clouded at the moment. I appreciate you lots

The only way life makes sense is if the good at least reasonably outweighs the bad. Not just an annual holiday, but regular quality time with loved ones, satisfying work with good people, a sense of purpose, time with your hobbies... things of that nature.

Sleep makes up a 3rd of our lives, so at least that could be seen as 'good'. The rest is a mathematical formula. If you are able to take any action regarding mental health, that could address the root of the problem.

Yeah, it's about the little things I guess. I'm currently on meds.. And on the wait list for therapy. But I wouldn't even know what the root of the problem is or where to begin, and I'm really not hopeful about ever finding it. Just trying to exhaust all options really, to say I tried.

I don't believe that it could ever be beneficial bringing life here, procreation just leads to unnecessary suffering and problems being experienced in which there were never a need for in the first place. Those who never exist never suffer after all. This world is such a cruel and horrific place and it would be tragic to inflict life onto other beings, so it's good that you have doubts about choosing to procreate. I do get that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped in this world having to endure endless suffering day after day. Existing can certainly be tiring but I wish you the best.

Yeah, it's a pretty heavy debate whether to bring more life into the world or not, and it's definitely not a decision I'd be ready to make any time soon. I think if planning to procreate, one must truly consider what kind of life they can give a child. It's certainly not a pleasant world to grow up in, particularly if you aren't given a head start emotionally, mentally or financially.

Hi sweet @MidnightDream

I'm sorry you are suffering like this ❤

Reading you, I understand what you are describing... The desire to give up, the tiredness and weariness of feeling the "constant" aspect of unhappiness that you feel, the anguish linked to studies.

I understand and I'm sorry you're going through all this ❤

Being immersed in studies and in conjunction with that, going bad, is an absolutely hellish combo to endure.

As you say so well, this unhappiness is temporary and I think, is a spike that manifests itself in the face of the pressure you are under, in the face of exams, in the face of the fear of not succeeding

Sometimes, when the malaise persists, it's because the question related to our expectations is not asked. In order to get better, we should ideally ask ourselves "What is it doing to me today?", "Why am I sad?", "With what I have at my disposal, what can I do to improve my quality of life?"

I imagine that you have already asked yourself these questions, but, healing is a long struggle and our best allies are time, investigation and self tolerance. Of course, I understand that this could look easier said than done. This I why I respect the time recovery can take

Your fatigue is totally legitimate, don't blame yourself for feeling this way. From one day to the next you will not tell yourself the same things about your condition, from one day to the next you will not have the same motivation and finally from one day to the next, the reasons for your unhappiness (even if there is always a theme or a series of events that explain everything) will be different.

And by the way, so will your reasons for being happy ❤

This may sound silly but, picture these thoughts, this unhappiness as a dark human figure. Imagine yourself smashing it, smashing its face in

It helps to have a concrete image of an abstract concept

Thinking about ctb is normal in the face of such distress and even if these thoughts come back, don't forget that you can be proud of yourself

Hang in there, you are strong, you will be proud to work in the areas you like

And by the same token, we will be proud of you too ❤

And even if you don't win in the end against all this, be gentle with yourself, because for many people, this struggle would be just as hard!

Ctb or not, we love you, good luck and tell us about your future exploits, you'll get there ❤

Love ❤

Hi Nirrend <3 You've hit my post spot on and I truly appreciate your perspective on it. I'm grateful you took the time to write this comment, because I genuinely feel as though I needed to read it. Thank you for always being so kind and supportive, you're a beautiful soul and you're so appreciated <3

 

[Nirrend]

Thank you <3 You're right, hopefully my perspective is just clouded at the moment. I appreciate you lots

Yeah, it's about the little things I guess. I'm currently on meds.. And on the wait list for therapy. But I wouldn't even know what the root of the problem is or where to begin, and I'm really not hopeful about ever finding it. Just trying to exhaust all options really, to say I tried.

Yeah, it's a pretty heavy debate whether to bring more life into the world or not, and it's definitely not a decision I'd be ready to make any time soon. I think if planning to procreate, one must truly consider what kind of life they can give a child. It's certainly not a pleasant world to grow up in, particularly if you aren't given a head start emotionally, mentally or financially.

Hi Nirrend <3 You've hit my post spot on and I truly appreciate your perspective on it. I'm grateful you took the time to write this comment, because I genuinely feel as though I needed to read it. Thank you for always being so kind and supportive, you're a beautiful soul and you're so appreciated <3

❤❤❤