negi-maguro
Anarresti
- Mar 2, 2025
- 13
Story/vent:
Before work, today I went to the mall and played maimai, a rhythm game at the arcade. I've always been shy and pretty pessimistic about myself, and that carries over into rhythm games too, so I usually go during the emptiest hours. For context, maimai has a huge scene here in SEA, with lots of communities and friend groups forming around it. I've always stayed on the sidelines tho, partly because I only play casually, but mostly because of my own personality, which has left me with very few friends, let alone ones who play the game. I almost always play maimai alone, even though the game encourages duo play. Sometimes when other people are around, I really want to play with them; once in a while I can bring myself to ask, but most of the time I just stick to the sidelines as long as there's an empty cab.
Today, I was very disappointed with myself. As usual, since I play at weird hours, I play alone. While I was resting, a person came up to the machines. She just stood there fiddling with her gloves and stuffs. Since the arcade is in the middle of changing its payment system, I figured she was confused about why her card wasn't working, so I took the initiative to tell her that she could only use coins right now. There was some distance between us and the machine was blasting demo songs, so I told her from afar with a bit of hand gestures pointing at the machine and my coin case. She replied with something I couldn't really hear (and she wore a mask), pointed at my coin case, then went to get some coins. I automatically assumed she didn't want to play with me, so I just inserted my coins and started playing alone. She came back to find me already mid-game and ended up playing solo on the next cab. While playing, I kept thinking about asking her to play duo (and getting the duo bonuses), but I was too shy to ask after she finished, so I just packed up and went to work. Deep down, I know the real reason I left was because I assumed I'd just be a bother and that nobody actually wants to play with me. Thinking about it again later, I realized there was a good chance she is open to play with me. Nothing she did really suggested otherwise. My gestures might've come across as an invitation to play together, especially since she nodded before going to get coins. I think I failed to read that in the moment and I just let my own assumptions decide for me.
Problem and Question:
This has shook me to the core, and I'm honestly really disappointed with myself. Maybe it's because I' have been exercising more and actually getting enough sleep lately, but I was finally able to look back at the interaction clearly and it was me shutting myself down because of low self-esteem. For the past few years, I have more or less accepted the idea that I will end up alone and that nobody would ever want me as a friend/partner/whatever, so I've slowly closed myself off from interacting with people at all. I'm really into Japanese media and I go to cons, but I'm always just there to walk around and buy merch, never to actually connect with anyone. Self-hatred has made me almost completely disengage from people, and I'm especially shy around women. But I digress, my point is somewhere along the way I internalized the idea that my very existence takes up space that bothers others, and that belief is a big reason I sometimes feel suicidal. Now, I don't want to jump straight to asking how to not be suicidal, I just want to feel normal in opening myself up or at least exist to be social with other.
My point is, I believe that I will always be rejected. Not only that, I'm extremely scared of rejection and failure, to the point that I don't even try. So, I have a question: How do you deal with the constant assumption that you'll be rejected before you even try? I really don't want to repeat what had happened today. I could have played with another person, but I chickened out. Kinda stupid thing to vent about, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Before work, today I went to the mall and played maimai, a rhythm game at the arcade. I've always been shy and pretty pessimistic about myself, and that carries over into rhythm games too, so I usually go during the emptiest hours. For context, maimai has a huge scene here in SEA, with lots of communities and friend groups forming around it. I've always stayed on the sidelines tho, partly because I only play casually, but mostly because of my own personality, which has left me with very few friends, let alone ones who play the game. I almost always play maimai alone, even though the game encourages duo play. Sometimes when other people are around, I really want to play with them; once in a while I can bring myself to ask, but most of the time I just stick to the sidelines as long as there's an empty cab.
Today, I was very disappointed with myself. As usual, since I play at weird hours, I play alone. While I was resting, a person came up to the machines. She just stood there fiddling with her gloves and stuffs. Since the arcade is in the middle of changing its payment system, I figured she was confused about why her card wasn't working, so I took the initiative to tell her that she could only use coins right now. There was some distance between us and the machine was blasting demo songs, so I told her from afar with a bit of hand gestures pointing at the machine and my coin case. She replied with something I couldn't really hear (and she wore a mask), pointed at my coin case, then went to get some coins. I automatically assumed she didn't want to play with me, so I just inserted my coins and started playing alone. She came back to find me already mid-game and ended up playing solo on the next cab. While playing, I kept thinking about asking her to play duo (and getting the duo bonuses), but I was too shy to ask after she finished, so I just packed up and went to work. Deep down, I know the real reason I left was because I assumed I'd just be a bother and that nobody actually wants to play with me. Thinking about it again later, I realized there was a good chance she is open to play with me. Nothing she did really suggested otherwise. My gestures might've come across as an invitation to play together, especially since she nodded before going to get coins. I think I failed to read that in the moment and I just let my own assumptions decide for me.
Problem and Question:
This has shook me to the core, and I'm honestly really disappointed with myself. Maybe it's because I' have been exercising more and actually getting enough sleep lately, but I was finally able to look back at the interaction clearly and it was me shutting myself down because of low self-esteem. For the past few years, I have more or less accepted the idea that I will end up alone and that nobody would ever want me as a friend/partner/whatever, so I've slowly closed myself off from interacting with people at all. I'm really into Japanese media and I go to cons, but I'm always just there to walk around and buy merch, never to actually connect with anyone. Self-hatred has made me almost completely disengage from people, and I'm especially shy around women. But I digress, my point is somewhere along the way I internalized the idea that my very existence takes up space that bothers others, and that belief is a big reason I sometimes feel suicidal. Now, I don't want to jump straight to asking how to not be suicidal, I just want to feel normal in opening myself up or at least exist to be social with other.
My point is, I believe that I will always be rejected. Not only that, I'm extremely scared of rejection and failure, to the point that I don't even try. So, I have a question: How do you deal with the constant assumption that you'll be rejected before you even try? I really don't want to repeat what had happened today. I could have played with another person, but I chickened out. Kinda stupid thing to vent about, but I can't stop thinking about it.
