Sunderland
Wanderer
- Feb 9, 2025
- 29
An ex-lover referred to me as a Steppenwolf. A modern-day Harry Haller. At the time, I hadn't read the book, but over the last year the words weighed heavy on me, it was one of the last words she laid on me. I'm still rolling it over my mind on whether it was simply an observation or if there was something deeper. There was probably more to it, but at this point it's a waste of time trying to figure it out. She's right though, it's a fairly spot on descriptor. It's not exact, the book takes place 100 years prior to today, but the IDEA of what Harry would be like in today's society. There's nothing wrong with it, to me it's almost like looking into a mirror. I tend to struggle putting my thoughts down in a clear and concise manner, my mind tends to wander more the harder I try to get my words out. But when I read this book it's almost like a sense of clarity. It's like having a piece of glass stuck in your hand. You struggle through the bullshit until you finally have a moment to pull it out.
On the topic of literally me characters, a character I feel as though I relate to more is James Sunderland. To a horrifying extent. Quiet, confused, and shut off from those around me. "Anyway, what do you mean anyway? You don't seem happy to see me!" Is a line from the game that plays in my mind, along with Mary's letter. I've held onto each of the letters my previous lover had given me, they're a gut punch going back to them. Even with my past lovers I just feel there's a disconnect. While I enjoy them and their presence, it's just not quite... Sometimes it's nice, romance and all that. While I crave it, as soon as the kiss loses its tongue I just can't help but want to kill it. The fucked-up part is it's not always a conscience decision. There was a period of time, for a good 3 months after the split, I'd spend every day in a drunken stupor. Every night was a new conversation, despite the bed growing colder, but in my head, there was this fucked up delusion that things would get better. Through my seduction there'd be a fix, at least that's how I thought it would work. I guess I thought through my actions (or inaction if you look at it from the receiving point of view) I'd find some resolution. Like James, I'm a man crushed by the weight of my emotional cowardice. I made my bed, but I was too afraid of how cold it had grown to lie in it. I took my own self-inflicted pain and wrote it off with shitty phone sex, a too late heart to heart, and hookups that were more damaging to each other than beneficial to us. I'm still in the streets of Silent Hill. Wandering until I find who I am. Maybe I'll meet a Maria, a bastardization of the one I love.
These are the two most recent characters I've been reflecting myself in. We all want to be an Aragorn, I tend to fall (heh) as a Boromir.
I am the Fragmented Modern Man
I think I'm going to start posting my rambles on my own page, I feel as though they're less likely to be seen and I find solace in that. I don't have many friends, I don't have many eyes on me, I quite like the thought of it. I get to live my life as I see fit, no one to please, no one to bring shame to. I simply live for myself. This is different. A real opening, I guess deep down I would like someone to hear it. Maybe for once I can have the void call back out to me.
Now, I turn the question unto you. When your lost in whatever piece of media you're currently consuming, who do you relate to? What struggles does it bring to your mind and why? Are you comfortable with the content you're consuming or is that literary mirror too vivid and it sends a shiver down your spine. Let's hear about it.
On the topic of literally me characters, a character I feel as though I relate to more is James Sunderland. To a horrifying extent. Quiet, confused, and shut off from those around me. "Anyway, what do you mean anyway? You don't seem happy to see me!" Is a line from the game that plays in my mind, along with Mary's letter. I've held onto each of the letters my previous lover had given me, they're a gut punch going back to them. Even with my past lovers I just feel there's a disconnect. While I enjoy them and their presence, it's just not quite... Sometimes it's nice, romance and all that. While I crave it, as soon as the kiss loses its tongue I just can't help but want to kill it. The fucked-up part is it's not always a conscience decision. There was a period of time, for a good 3 months after the split, I'd spend every day in a drunken stupor. Every night was a new conversation, despite the bed growing colder, but in my head, there was this fucked up delusion that things would get better. Through my seduction there'd be a fix, at least that's how I thought it would work. I guess I thought through my actions (or inaction if you look at it from the receiving point of view) I'd find some resolution. Like James, I'm a man crushed by the weight of my emotional cowardice. I made my bed, but I was too afraid of how cold it had grown to lie in it. I took my own self-inflicted pain and wrote it off with shitty phone sex, a too late heart to heart, and hookups that were more damaging to each other than beneficial to us. I'm still in the streets of Silent Hill. Wandering until I find who I am. Maybe I'll meet a Maria, a bastardization of the one I love.
These are the two most recent characters I've been reflecting myself in. We all want to be an Aragorn, I tend to fall (heh) as a Boromir.
I am the Fragmented Modern Man
I think I'm going to start posting my rambles on my own page, I feel as though they're less likely to be seen and I find solace in that. I don't have many friends, I don't have many eyes on me, I quite like the thought of it. I get to live my life as I see fit, no one to please, no one to bring shame to. I simply live for myself. This is different. A real opening, I guess deep down I would like someone to hear it. Maybe for once I can have the void call back out to me.
Now, I turn the question unto you. When your lost in whatever piece of media you're currently consuming, who do you relate to? What struggles does it bring to your mind and why? Are you comfortable with the content you're consuming or is that literary mirror too vivid and it sends a shiver down your spine. Let's hear about it.
