Venting Struggling to let go.

[Gangrel]

One of my biggest struggles in life is letting go of everything related to people, i feel a massive void inside of me when i have to do it. Even with irrational things.

My best friend/first partner abandoned me without a word, after months he just said he was sorry for being such a shitty person, through text. I was devasted, i still dream about him, i still have his presents, i cannot let myself go of it no matter how hard i try. I carry around a little keychain made out of his favorite animal - a highland cow. He was 5'7" and super strong, blonde hair and a beautiful smile. He loved martial arts and he worked so hard, he suffered a lot with suicide as well. I hope he isn't dead.

When i look at older goodbye threads from here, i feel heartbroken i did not meet those people and talked to them. Didnt meet them, didn't got to know their favorite food, make a silly joke about them, made them laugh. I wish so bad i could've done that. I wish i experienced the essence of these people. Now all i have is their messages on a board that is gonna be defunct one day and all this information will be lost. I know it's extremely irrational to feel that way but i can't help it, i just feel so bad for all of them. Which makes me abstain from the current goodbye one's, i don't wanna interfere in any way, i feel too guilty in letting them go, i'm selfish.

One certain case that touched me the most is Dani (@LetzteAusfahrt) By reading his messages i felt touched by such a sweet person that he was, 52, never had a relationship, just a life of suffering. I had a dream i went out with him and gave him hugs and a lot attention, like he was a best friend i had not seen in a long time, he was glad i was nice to him. I wasn't even thinking that much about him, i just read his messages that day and stopped thinking about it. I have extremely vivid dreams all the time, i know it might seem weird and creepy, i'm sorry for that. He wanted to die so bad and was at peace with it, which i'm glad at least. But i cannot stop thinking about him and his long life, i'm 26 and already so fucking tired of living.

I don't really have a problem with death to be honest, i've lost 6 family members during COVID, i didn't cry, i just missed them, it didn't hurt like abandonment does. Knowing a person is out there and chose to left me (even though i have horrible self steem and i probably think i deserve it). I think if i have to go through that again i will CTB to end the pain. It felt like someone was physically gripping my heart, i thought i was going to die.

I guess i was just so lonely my entire life that when i finally feel something for people i get extremely attached and refuse to let go. Or maybe i'm just obssesed with certain people. Does someone else feel that way?

Sorry for the big vent.

 

[debzzzz]

My whole life I did since my mother abandoned me, i had abandonment issues since then and trust issues.
I been losing some friends the past few years and I miss with my soul.

Recently I lost a 6-7 year friendship and it really hit me like a train wreck, all because he made a shitty mistake and even tho I tried to fix it he never tried to really talk things out and disappeared.

I always looked up at him, he was like a brother to me, he really touched my soul and we both were made for each other, you name it. Company with him made me wanted to be like him, be better, try to fight to be alive and achieve my dreams.

Since then I just can't trust anyone, I judge every person I met and can't open myself up, I just try to save it all for myself and it's hard to just ignore that I don't miss him.

It's been months and he is in my head like a parasite, I can't believe that he just forgot about me, and I can't even get him out of my head, he is in every song, every purple related color I see, a person that looks like him on the street, on every cigarette I smell.
I just fantasize that after years I see him and maybe we become to be friend again?

Or he just text me that he really misses me and wants to talk thing out

I hate it, I hate it so much

Not only that I still miss people I hadn't seen in years and I have no ways to communicate with them.

I understand you, for me it was just like a betrayal or smth like that, it was so unexpected and heartbreaking I felt confused, sad, angry, happy, I felt every emotion since i hadn't know about him.

I do try to avoid every little thing about him and since then deleted all social media since it's been really overwhelming

Hugs and I hope you can get through it

 

[Gangrel]

It's been months and he is in my head like a parasite, I can't believe that he just forgot about me, and I can't even get him out of my head, he is in every song, every purple related color I see, a person that looks like him on the street, on every cigarette I smell.
I just fantasize that after years I see him and maybe we become to be friend again?

I understand completly, i'm sorry my friend, i hope things get better for you. It really is soul crushing realizing that for some people it's easy to forget while you're there losing your mind over it. It's like they don't give a fuck, feels so pathetic.