Struggling to be hopeful

[Toobrokentofix]

I have been suicidal for a long time. I have been hospitalised and released and am now 16 weeks into DBT. But I can't shake of this belief that suicide is my inevitable. Have had SN hidden away for a few weeks now. I've had "plans" which I've been putting off til tomorrow but now it's almost tomorrow. I want to feel better, be able to make friends with myself but I just can't. I'm so depressed and sick of how shit I feel most of the time. I am scared to dispose of SN in case I can't get it again. I'm scared to keep wasting money replacing it. I'm scared of making a half arsed attempt and surviving again. It will just make my life even shittier. And I'm scared of dying! I'm scared that if we live on I might never get away from this torture. I don't want to harm the people in my life who care. I don't want my children to grow up feeling screwed up like I have. I also feel compelled to kms tomorrow. I feel my psychologist and care coordinator are probably sick of hearing the same crap every week and can't tell anyone else because they would freak out. I'm sorry for rambling on. I just don't know how to be or what to do

 

[Ln42]

I have been suicidal for a long time. I have been hospitalised and released and am now 16 weeks into DBT. But I can't shake of this belief that suicide is my inevitable. Have had SN hidden away for a few weeks now. I've had "plans" which I've been putting off til tomorrow but now it's almost tomorrow. I want to feel better, be able to make friends with myself but I just can't. I'm so depressed and sick of how shit I feel most of the time. I am scared to dispose of SN in case I can't get it again. I'm scared to keep wasting money replacing it. I'm scared of making a half arsed attempt and surviving again. It will just make my life even shittier. And I'm scared of dying! I'm scared that if we live on I might never get away from this torture. I don't want to harm the people in my life who care. I don't want my children to grow up feeling screwed up like I have. I also feel compelled to kms tomorrow. I feel my psychologist and care coordinator are probably sick of hearing the same crap every week and can't tell anyone else because they would freak out. I'm sorry for rambling on. I just don't know how to be or what to do

I am no good at advice but I read some hope in your message even though you are currently in crisis. Could you message your DBT therapist and ask for some urgent skills coaching, I have just done that and I feel less heightened. I too have SN but have put it away. If you can't call/text your therapist try your care Co, you can say that you know they have heard it before but tomorrow you aren't safe and need extra support put in place. You can still do something down the line but it gets you over this hump until you can think more clearly. I hope I've not said anything wrong?

 

[Toobrokentofix]

I am no good at advice but I read some hope in your message even though you are currently in crisis. Could you message your DBT therapist and ask for some urgent skills coaching, I have just done that and I feel less heightened. I too have SN but have put it away. If you can't call/text your therapist try your care Co, you can say that you know they have heard it before but tomorrow you aren't safe and need extra support put in place. You can still do something down the line but it gets you over this hump until you can think more clearly. I hope I've not said anything wrong?

No you haven't. Not at all. I felt bad because I wanted to encourage you to try because it seems like the best therapy available for bpd and it seems to really help alot of people, but am also aware that I'm currently not doing so good myself and am quite scared by my impulsively. I will try to call the team. My care Co is lovely when I'm hopeful but seems really off with me when I'm not and I'm really not right now. I find rejection super hard to tolerate and am a little wary about taking that risk. But not much to lose as long as I manage to tolerate. Thank you for reaching out and your suggestion. It is a relief to tell someone and be heard

 

[Ln42]

No you haven't. Not at all. I felt bad because I wanted to encourage you to try because it seems like the best therapy available for bpd and it seems to really help alot of people, but am also aware that I'm currently not doing so good myself and am quite scared by my impulsively. I will try to call the team. My care Co is lovely when I'm hopeful but seems really off with me when I'm not and I'm really not right now. I find rejection super hard to tolerate and am a little wary about taking that risk. But not much to lose as long as I manage to tolerate. Thank you for reaching out and your suggestion. It is a relief to tell someone and be heard

Thank you for your reassurance, it means a lot as I lack confidence respondingto people.
It's disappointing your care co is not so good when you are heightened, I often feel a nuisance with them. Rejection is awful so I understand your trepidation. If you do call let us know how it goes, I know it's tough being honest with them but as you say what have you got to lose.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is there anything specific you wish you could have in life, as fanciful as it seems? How does raising your children figure into how you feel about your life?