Venting Struggling to accept who I am

[bubblebunny]

I'm really really struggling with feeling good about myself. I'm an overweight darkskin girl and that alone already makes me unattractive to people. I'm not judging them because I wouldn't date myself either.

I've never had a boyfriend and never lost my virginity, I'm 19. All my peers started dating from 16 and I remember we were speaking and someone said "so everyone is dating someone except for (my name)".
it still hurts me. I know I shouldn't only care about boys and stuff but I wanna be loved too. When all your friends have boyfriends but you, you start to question yourself.

I met this guy online tho but he hasn't seen me ever and he gives me a lot of attention I never get of any boy. I'm super attached to him but he's previous crush is so pretty and literally what I wanna be. She's short and I'm tall, she's white and I'm black, she has light eyes and I have dark eyes, she has straight/ wavy hair and I have 4c hair, she has a cute high pitched voice and my voice is on the lower side , she's thin and I'm fat. She's just so pretty and cute and I totally get why he liked her she's just the complete opposite of me :(.

It would never work between us if he saw me so I'm trying to enjoy all the online attention I can get from him. I know it sounds super pathetic because I am super pathetic. I lied sm about things about myself so he'd like the idea of me more. I lied too much, we couldn't even meet if I wanted to bc of how much I lied about myself.

I don't know what to do now, the weight loss thing is 100% on me I fail to be consistent every time again. I tried to get an eating disorder but it didn't work.

Idk what to do with myself

 

[Zegers]

Having problems with your physical image is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, if you are not good in your own skin it's logical that it will lead to depression, anxiety, demotivation and mental problems.

 

[not_telling]

I'm sorry for all of that. Living in a body that you hate is just... it can be too much. I'm also overweight and dark skinned, I'm a guy but I'm just tall enough to not be short and short enough to not be tall, and I hate my hair (especially body hair). If there's anything at all that has helped me, is to stop trying to be what I'm not. I know I don't look good, so I stopped trying. I'll hate my body no matter what, so why not give it a piece of my mind? I shaved my hair, started wearing whatever I want, no matter how awful (I love my SpongeBob socks and now I'm not afraid to show it), stopped taking care of my skin face or body hair, the only thing that I still try is to smell nice because, well, I have to endure it too. It's sort of freeing, really. as for your friend, if you were me, which you're not so don't take this by heart if it won't work for you, it's just my opinion and it's not "right", I would just tell him the truth, and say sorry for the lies, maybe even explain to him why I lied, if we're close enough, and what happens happens. I'll accept it and put it in the pile of shitty stuff if it goes bad, one more reason to go. I hope you find something that works for you OP, and that one day your friend understands. You deserve better than to hate yourself.

 

[Zegers]

it can be too much

It is, I've had a physical disability since birth, i'm in 30's and i don't bear it.

 

[bubblebunny]

I'm sorry for all of that. Living in a body that you hate is just... it can be too much. I'm also overweight and dark skinned, I'm a guy but I'm just tall enough to not be short and short enough to not be tall, and I hate my hair (especially body hair). If there's anything at all that has helped me, is to stop trying to be what I'm not. I know I don't look good, so I stopped trying. I'll hate my body no matter what, so why not give it a piece of my mind? I shaved my hair, started wearing whatever I want, no matter how awful (I love my SpongeBob socks and now I'm not afraid to show it), stopped taking care of my skin face or body hair, the only thing that I still try is to smell nice because, well, I have to endure it too. It's sort of freeing, really. as for your friend, if you were me, which you're not so don't take this by heart if it won't work for you, it's just my opinion and it's not "right", I would just tell him the truth, and say sorry for the lies, maybe even explain to him why I lied, if we're close enough, and what happens happens. I'll accept it and put it in the pile of shitty stuff if it goes bad, one more reason to go. I hope you find something that works for you OP, and that one day your friend understands. You deserve better than to hate yourself.

I'm so sorry we can relate to eachother, I just hate my skin colour and everything about it. Maybe I should stop trying but it will really upset me still I think. Maybe over time. I'll be used to accepting I'm ugly and I'll never find someone.