Help Struggling between keep going on or just die

[Asuka543]

Hi, i just join this forum a week ago and i read lots of things, people discussion, story and way a lot of method to kill myself.

First if you don't mind to read my boring story.
I just really tired of living. I hate my family especially my mom. She never think of what i want. From my childhood, i never can go anywhere, i can't go out with friends even for school things. In the end i could say i have no real friends from my school ( All just yeah classmate ). After i graduate, i can't even learn what i want, study what my dream was. I was forced to go to another country to study what i didn't want just to get working place with high salary in this country ( the rate of pay is higher than my country).
Then i though not bad, i could be far from her will be a good thing. So i took all the exam with her mocking that i won't pass, i'm stupid, useless and everything.
Actually i'm quite good in studying and pass with good score ofc.

Now after i'm far from her in another country, SHE NEVER STOPS BOTHERING ME. For a year unil today, she call me every day never think of my working schedule that starts from 6 am until 10 pm. I don't even get a lot of sit and rest. I reach home and she only can complain.
Since I was 12, my only goals is to live far away from home. Now that i did it, everything still not going well. My mom is a dictator. My dad can't even stop him. They got divorced too, but she forced him to still stay together. My dad is a good guy, but he really cant do anything too.
I envy those who can enjoy doing their work, not too much pressure and everything. Everything never go my ways. I can't even feel happy whole day. I cried quietlt every night until i fall asleep ( 4 ppl in a rooms is sucks)
Why is my life like this. I don't want to live like this. I really want to run away or just die. But my best friends ( online friends) that i always talk to always support me tell me not to. Tell me to think what will happen to him if i'm gone. And there's my boyfriend too that support me a lot ( I can't tell him about killing myself, because last time i told him i want ro run away he alrdy so sad and cry with me).
Now the only people i think if i die is my best friend and him.
If i die, i really want a fast and less pain method since i really hate pains. I got sick really often as a child and used to hospital thngs. I just don't want to fail if i kill myself and end up in hospital or mental hospital with every single ppl thinking i'm crazy. I read and though of inhaling pure helium or argon ( i don't think it could work) or jumping from a high cliff but afraid if i'll feel much pain.

I'm sorry i write too long. I just feel needs to let everything out. I'm so sorry..

 

[Lost4toolong]

In my opinion friend. It seems like your want for death is birthed feom the stress others are causing you. Cut ties. Cut your mother off block her number and forget she exists until youve built back up what she continually tears down. Got to look out for YOUR well being.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Sorry you're experiencing so much pain. As someone with a dictator mom, I can somewhat imagine what it must be like to want to run, to get as far away as possible. &I also know what it's like to feel the same even once the dictator is gone. I don't know how you must be feeling, though I can empathize with you. Wanting to be you, the self that you wanted to be before she told you you're not good enough, it hurts so bad sometimes.

*hugs*

 

[faust]

Hello, I know how it feels like because have a mom-dictator too.
And I am so sorry you are experiencing these issues.
I had to leave home without money, documents and place to live once.
Try to explain her, you will be able to talk at a certain time in a certain day (e.g. Friday, 6 p.m.)
If she calls you in different time, just ignore. You already told that will be able to talk on Friday, 6.p.m. It is not you who does not meet the arrangements.
Just think out any activity which makes the phone call impossible. E.g. You have to do a coursework and the amount of time required to do this is huge, so " please, don't bother me, I won't reply nor to you, neither to my friends", just in a very polite manner.
You are not obliged to study where you don't want, speak to your senior tutor and ask what you can do to change the course to a preferred one.
You can say that you failed the course and it is too hard for you, this won't result in huge argues as when you would tell you don't want to study.
Plus the thing you can do is: you can finish undergraduate and go to postgraduate for an utterly different profession.
Suicide is up to you. I just gave you an advice in case if you don't really want to go.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

If you're still struggling, it's not time yet.

Your life will not always be this way. If you need your mom's financial support to get through school, hang in there. Buy a calendar and cross off every day you survive in this situation. Buy a journal and give yourself five minutes a day to write down all your ugly thoughts about mom. Burn it before you go home.

When school is over, cut her off. Block her phone numbers, move and stay off social media, live your own life.

Don't give up when there could be an end in sight.

 

[Asuka543]

In my opinion friend. It seems like your want for death is birthed feom the stress others are causing you. Cut ties. Cut your mother off block her number and forget she exists until youve built back up what she continually tears down. Got to look out for YOUR well being.

I can't.. She'll find me. She know all of my roomates number. She even missed call me 17 times until i pick up my phone when i'm taking a shower then call my friends number which i really hate. I don't like to bother ppl . Like she threathen me to got back to my home country if i don't pick up my phone which i really don't want to. I just don't want to see her.

Sorry you're experiencing so much pain. As someone with a dictator mom, I can somewhat imagine what it must be like to want to run, to get as far away as possible. &I also know what it's like to feel the same even once the dictator is gone. I don't know how you must be feeling, though I can empathize with you. Wanting to be you, the self that you wanted to be before she told you you're not good enough, it hurts so bad sometimes.

*hugs*

Thankyou ❤ *hugs*
I can't just tell this to anyone. I talked to some ppl and they say many people have worse situation and i should just grateful :)

Hello, I know how it feels like because have a mom-dictator too.
And I am so sorry you are experiencing these issues.
I had to leave home without money, documents and place to live once.
Try to explain her, you will be able to talk at a certain time in a certain day (e.g. Friday, 6 p.m.)
If she calls you in different time, just ignore. You already told that will be able to talk on Friday, 6.p.m. It is not you who does not meet the arrangements.
Just think out any activity which makes the phone call impossible. E.g. You have to do a coursework and the amount of time required to do this is huge, so " please, don't bother me, I won't reply nor to you, neither to my friends", just in a very polite manner.
You are not obliged to study where you don't want, speak to your senior tutor and ask what you can do to change the course to a preferred one.
You can say that you failed the course and it is too hard for you, this won't result in huge argues as when you would tell you don't want to study.
Plus the thing you can do is: you can finish undergraduate and go to postgraduate for an utterly different profession.
Suicide is up to you. I just gave you an advice in case if you don't really want to go.

It's not easy to change my study since i would need to like change my visa or something like that. My mom would know too.. She's not someone you can talk to nicely. She even tell me just to die when i fell and sprain my leg. She though i can't and won't be able to do that :)

 

[Lost4toolong]

Assuming youre old enough to make your own decisions whatever age that may be in your country, then dont let her scare you, or lie to you. Your life is yours to do what you please with. And that can definitely mean removing the toxic elements if thats whats really berating (damaging if you will) your mind

 

[faust]

I can't.. She'll find me. She know all of my roomates number. She even missed call me 17 times until i pick up my phone when i'm taking a shower then call my friends number which i really hate. I don't like to bother ppl . Like she threathen me to got back to my home country if i don't pick up my phone which i really don't want to. I just don't want to see her.


Thankyou ❤ *hugs*
I can't just tell this to anyone. I talked to some ppl and they say many people have worse situation and i should just grateful :)


It's not easy to change my study since i would need to like change my visa or something like that. My mom would know too.. She's not someone you can talk to nicely. She even tell me just to die when i fell and sprain my leg. She though i can't and won't be able to do that :)

Changing visa is the last thing you have to worry about. Technically mom can do nothing when you are abroad, it is not likely she will come to your country and start wrecking havoc. She may only stop financing if she does now. But that is easily solved by finding a job. It is better to do what you want and say sorry rather than ask for her "blessing" and, refused to do so, do it.

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Thank you ❤ *hugs*
I can't just tell this to anyone. I talked to some ppl and they say many people have worse situation and i should just grateful :)

Oh that upsets me! No. You're entitled to feel the way you do. They're your life experiences &frankly anyone who tells you, that you should be grateful doesn't understand the lasting impact psychological trauma can have on a person.

 

[Asuka543]

Assuming youre old enough to make your own decisions whatever age that may be in your country, then dont let her scare you, or lie to you. Your life is yours to do what you please with. And that can definitely mean removing the toxic elements if thats whats really berating (damaging if you will) your mind

I will try to. I think i'm really scared of her. Everytime i received phone call, i always hope its not her. I always get depressed and can't stop hating and crying everytime she calls. I just can't block her because she will call everyone she know here just to get me.

 

[Lost4toolong]

I will try to. I think i'm really scared of her. Everytime i received phone call, i always hope its not her. I always get depressed and can't stop hating and crying everytime she calls. I just can't block her because she will call everyone she know here just to get me.

Ya thats a highly overbearing situation youre in and im sorry that youre going through this. Have you expressed to her fully how she makes you feel with her compulsive behaviour?

 

[Asuka543]

Changing visa is the last thing you have to worry about. Technically mom can do nothing when you are abroad, it is not likely she will come to your country and start wrecking havoc. She may only stop financing if she does now. But that is easily solved by finding a job. It is better to do what you want and say sorry rather than ask for her "blessing" and, refused to do so, do it.

I work and pay for myself. Last month i just send her money because she tell me to and she will send it back to me this month which i don't know when. I'm really live enough with that i have now. I'm struggling with financing my own too. I work in 2 part time jobs now. And she even tell me to find a 3rd job. She never happy if i just get a day off. She doesn't want me to relax even a bit. I really don't want to live like this

 

[faust]

I work and pay for myself. Last month i just send her money because she tell me to and she will send it back to me this month which i don't know when. I'm really live enough with that i have now. I'm struggling with financing my own too. I work in 2 part time jobs now. And she even tell me to find a 3rd job. She never happy if i just get a day off. She doesn't want me to relax even a bit. I really don't want to live like this

Your fantasy has no limits. She does not even know what are your wages, does she? Think out the 3rd job, whatever, just not to answer on phone calls.

 

[Asuka543]

Your fantasy has no limits. She does not even know what are your wages, does she? Think out the 3rd job, whatever, just not to answer on phone calls.

She know my wages. It just enough to pay my college and myself. She want me to be able to save some and even to give them.
They hope too much for 19 y'o. For me having enough is just enough. I work 51 hours a week and got paid about 18 an hour. Its enough for myself.
She tell me to send 40 resumes a day and screenshot sent it to her..

 

[Lost4toolong]

She know my wages. It just enough to pay my college and myself. She want me to be able to save some and even to give them.
They hope too much for 19 y'o. For me having enough is just enough. I work 51 hours a week and got paid about 18 an hour. Its enough for myself.
She tell me to send 40 resumes a day and screenshot sent it to her..

Honestly id go extreme. Tell everyone to block or ignore here. Even contact authorities now that could get messy if you ever wanna build a relationship with her again but personally id say its not worth it. I cut my mother out of my life some time back.

 

[faust]

She know my wages. It just enough to pay my college and myself. She want me to be able to save some and even to give them.
They hope too much for 19 y'o. For me having enough is just enough. I work 51 hours a week and got paid about 18 an hour. Its enough for myself.
She tell me to send 40 resumes a day and screenshot sent it to her..

I have a tip concerning issue with emails. You can think out emails. In Chrome browser click right button and then choose "Inspect ". Voila, now you can change the text temporary for a screenshot! Use Ctrl+F to look for required text and change manually to any random email.