Venting Stress to go

[JTG1972]

I have all my materials (SN method) I've written and rewritten versions of my note, though I might not even leave one in the end. I keep losing track of time and just thinking that the way out is right there. I have wasted fifty years of life almost and every day is a battle just to get out of bed or to take care of myself and the house. I put on a smile for my wife and lie that I'm fine to not worry her but the need to go is just getting stronger by the day. I'm wasting her time. I've failed to do anything else she needs me to do, I need to man up and do this one thing if nothing else.

I had planned to go in December when she was away. Then November felt right, maybe when she was at work. Now I feel like I am losing my grip on things and if I can just wait until she falls asleep tonight maybe I can do it before she wakes up or I chicken out. It feels like if I don't do it now I never will and I will be trapped here and she will be trapped with me.

Feels like I'm going crazy.

 

[Rachel74]

I'm not one for plans but I really think you need one as not having one is stressing you out.
Pick a few dates that would be ideal. You have SN, so that's a start.
Pick 3 dates that work for you and the wife isn't at home. I would also write a note especially if your wife doesn't know how you really feel, that will bring her some comfort when you CTB and some closure to know why you did it.
I'm going against everything I would do but I feel in your situation you need it.
Feel free to PM me

 

[SinisterKid]

Rushed or impulsive attempts often fail, for a multitude of different reasons. Planning is almost as important as doing your research. Act in haste, repent at leisure. In this case, if it goes wrong, you are looking at possible ward time under a section. I am telling you, you do not want that.

I fully understand the "man up" principle. I am old school, we fight with fists, have a stiff upper lip and dont show emotions. Men drink beer and dont mention feelings to each other. I can also tell you, thats just complete BS. You are not a failure because you are still alive. You are not a failure because you are not meeting some of the so called requirements that society places on our shoulders.

There is no rush to die my friend. Death is pretty damned final as far as we are aware, so why run into it at a sprint? Take your time, be calm, plan the time and place carefully. I know you want to go and go now, but that is not going to help in the grand scheme of things.

 

[JTG1972]

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who messaged and posted and reacted to this. Obviously for now I am still here. I got as far as measuring out the 25g before I stopped and just went to bed. Honestly at the moment it felt like a failure, but I have put the 25g aside so it is ready when I need it and am ready.

 

[lymbo]

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who messaged and posted and reacted to this. Obviously for now I am still here. I got as far as measuring out the 25g before I stopped and just went to bed. Honestly at the moment it felt like a failure, but I have put the 25g aside so it is ready when I need it and am ready.

whats your reason for wantyng to ctb

 

[JTG1972]

whats your reason for wantyng to ctb

A lot of reasons, from depression from childhood traumas to being a general fuckup. My depression and failings are slowly ruining my wife's life day by day and she is too kind to leave, so I am going to ctb while she still has time to start over.

 

[Jean4]

A lot of reasons, from depression from childhood traumas to being a general fuckup. My depression and failings are slowly ruining my wife's life day by day and she is too kind to leave, so I am going to ctb while she still has time to start over.

Never being in a major relationship, can I ask how you are ruining your wife's life? Do you two not love each other?

 

[JTG1972]

Never being in a major relationship, can I ask how you are ruining your wife's life? Do you two not love each other?

She has dreams and aspirations, wants a home and a family and adventure. She's a good woman and works hard and deserves those things. And I can't give her any of them. I'm much older than her, and she has been slowly slipping into the start of depression from trying to help me with mine. She tries to hide it but I know she's cried herself to sleep a lot lately. I know my trauma and issues won't go away, and I can't handle seeing her end up like me after wasting her life. She's resilient and young and would throve away from me so I have tried to push her away but she is too nice to go. I love her, but I think she loves a version of me that died a long time ago.

 

[Jean4]

She has dreams and aspirations, wants a home and a family and adventure. She's a good woman and works hard and deserves those things. And I can't give her any of them. I'm much older than her, and she has been slowly slipping into the start of depression from trying to help me with mine. She tries to hide it but I know she's cried herself to sleep a lot lately. I know my trauma and issues won't go away, and I can't handle seeing her end up like me after wasting her life. She's resilient and young and would throve away from me so I have tried to push her away but she is too nice to go. I love her, but I think she loves a version of me that died a long time ago.

This May be just me, but if I found someone I loved, my dreams would be being with them. My life wouldn't be wasted.

 

[WhiteDespair]

You do not want to make this decision unilaterally. I lost a good woman because I decided to end it without consulting her. I got drunk, blacked out, and have memories of saying "sir, yes, sir" and "sir, no, sir" in the back of a cop car and struggling against restraints in a hospital. I woke up in detox happy to have almost CtB. When I told my girlfriend she told me she cared about me. I couldn't handle that so I ghosted her. That was something we could have discussed and worked through together. Instead, I thought and felt that she didn't deserve me and I lost a good woman as a result.

Don't make that mistake. Don't fuck it up like I did.

If she is crying herself to sleep I would want to know if that's because she sees me going down a path to CtB and feels powerless that she can't ease my pain or pull me back. She is looking at you objectively and, because of that, sees and understands things about you that you don't.

Talk to her. Find out the truth. Don't CtB until you at least do that. You should give her that as a gift before you put down the pun or punch the ticket if that is your choice.