Dawn0071111
Hungry Ghost
- Dec 9, 2018
- 570
I'm tired of trying to be strong...
I now revel in my weakness...
I don't give a fuck about "beating the odds"
Leave that to people like Nick Vujicic (The famous guy born with no arms of legs)
What is the prize for persevering through all the shit in life?
Maybe there is success, a sense of accomplishment.... praise from peers for not "throwing in the towel.."
I don't want to rebuild the wreakage.
I don't want people to praise me for what a "strong woman" I am (makes me want to vomit)
Don't want to begin again, start a new life, learn new skills, advance, grow......... I would have been open to those things before last summer.
But then it happened. For the first time I felt alive. Seen. Appreciated. Wanted. Attractive. He was: Sexy, a great dancer, he made me feel good about myself. A power he both loathed and loved. I should have never been the needy woman, the weak woman, the DESPERATE woman. I feel sooooooooooooo PATHETIC.
I love how people tell me: "You should not give ANYONE this much power" to take your own life? Too late. Its just how I'm wired i guess. Can this be changed about me? I dunno, I've tried. I don't feel like anything is in me. Just a black hole. Bottomless pit. Emptiness. I probably have that dreaded personaility disorder. "Chronic feeling of emptiness.."
I tried to be something I wansn't and it made things worse. I tried to be strong. I tried to be self sufficient. And all I did was ending up sending a message that I was cold and unloving.
I will never forgive myself.
I now revel in my weakness...
I don't give a fuck about "beating the odds"
Leave that to people like Nick Vujicic (The famous guy born with no arms of legs)
What is the prize for persevering through all the shit in life?
Maybe there is success, a sense of accomplishment.... praise from peers for not "throwing in the towel.."
I don't want to rebuild the wreakage.
I don't want people to praise me for what a "strong woman" I am (makes me want to vomit)
Don't want to begin again, start a new life, learn new skills, advance, grow......... I would have been open to those things before last summer.
But then it happened. For the first time I felt alive. Seen. Appreciated. Wanted. Attractive. He was: Sexy, a great dancer, he made me feel good about myself. A power he both loathed and loved. I should have never been the needy woman, the weak woman, the DESPERATE woman. I feel sooooooooooooo PATHETIC.
I love how people tell me: "You should not give ANYONE this much power" to take your own life? Too late. Its just how I'm wired i guess. Can this be changed about me? I dunno, I've tried. I don't feel like anything is in me. Just a black hole. Bottomless pit. Emptiness. I probably have that dreaded personaility disorder. "Chronic feeling of emptiness.."
I tried to be something I wansn't and it made things worse. I tried to be strong. I tried to be self sufficient. And all I did was ending up sending a message that I was cold and unloving.
I will never forgive myself.
