Story Story of my life part 1- childhood

[absolute failure]

I was always a pretty active child. I remember having a fairly normal childhood, but my downfall began when my dad told me once: if you dont perform well in school, you will end up like this homeless person. I think I had some severe OCD as a child and even though this was probably a joke, I took it extremely seriously. So what did I decide to do? Force myself to be the best in class. I remember that in elementary school I always (literally as much as possible) raised my hand when the teacher asked a question, always perform in the written tests, always try to achieve the best grade. I remember even crying once I got one grade lower than the best one, like that is genuinely a sign of some mental illness that I was developing. I was the best in class but I remember hating school because it was a place of me having to perform, full of pressure and fear of failure. I almost moved a class because teachers thought the second grade was too easy for me, but in the end I luckily didn't because i would have lost my friends in class. Other than that, my time in elementary school was pretty normal. I played around the schoolyard, had some friends, the usual. I never got in trouble except once: in the after-school-care I once thought it would be a somehow a good idea to test if caterpillars could swim, so I took many caterpillars and put them in rainwater. Safe to say: they all died and I had some small detention after. I was around 9 years old maybe and I genuinely thought it would be the end of the world and I would go to jail for that haha. Well, after getting out of elementary school, one has to switch to a specific highschool based on their performance. I went to the Gymnasium, which is the highest level academically. It was quite the big change for me. I made new friends, I tried to be friends with everyone in my class. My best friend was the one being bullied by school bullies. But I was there for him, at the same time I was also friends with the people who bullied him. I guess I was just a people pleaser. My other best friend, lets call him Seb, used to be one of the bullies aswell, he will play a big part in my story later. So during my middle and highschool time I kept being the smart kid. But there was a problem: I hated it. I did not want to always keep doing my best, but I brute forced myself to be the smart one. And now there comes another problem on top: puberty. I realized quickly that I lusted after womens bodies, I suppose thats just natural. But I never had a girlfriend during those years. Why you may ask? Well: I was scared of rejection and I was extremely self conscious about my looks. I was never really good looking, kinda small in height (even right now I am only 169cm fml) which is probably because I never ate much and was kinda malnurished. Why was I like this? Well thanks to my untreated OCD and my mom telling me once when I was little that I could explode from eating too much food, I developed a bad relationship with it and always ate very little, to this day. (i am still slim and I still weigh as much as I did when I was 14, around 51-52 Kilos… I am 23 now). All this pressure from school and my unfulfilled sexual needs did some awful things to me around the age of 14: I started becoming addicted to pornography and I started becoming passively suicidal. I masturbated 3-4 times a day, and I hated it. It made me hate myself because I couldnt get actual physical touch. I was full of hate towards myself and from the ages of 13-18 I wanted to die every single day, but I never actually made specific plans (that will come later). Craving physical touch destroyed my mental health, and I never got it so I blamed myself for it, I put all of the blame on me. I started resenting the fact that I had sexual thoughts in the first place, the fact that I was too shy to even talk to girls, the fact that I jerked off multiple times a day just to feel some form of dopamine and sexual gratification. I was still performing extremely well in middle and Highschool, the good grades were all I had for my fragile Ego. But I then at 17, my mental health issues got too much for me. The first person I ever told that I had suicidal thoughts was Seb, the one who used to be a bully, he turned his life around and became a really good person to this day. So I told him and then his friend group which I was not even really a part of. They kind of took me in and that was a problem. I told everyone about how much i hate myself in that friendgroup and they did their best to support me to get out of that situation. BUT: one of them wanted to help me in a different way: he offered accompany me on my way to ctb. So in one faithful night in 2019, I got a rope and we went to a forest at night, but I couldnt do the setup correctly and only hung for a little until my SI kicked in. We went back to one of the members of the friendgroup that night and talked about it, I said I wanted to give life a chance (I lied). So then I started a little bit of selfharm, I became extremely unhinged with my suicidal thoughts. It was really messed up from me: I told then that if I dont get a girlfriend I would ctb. I hate myself to this day for what I did to them, it was disgusting and pathetic, but I guess I was just desperate and needed some love. To this day I never forgave myself for it, I despise what I did and it definitely had consequences: I told Seb and his friendgroup I had enough and that i would ctb on february 28th, this time for real. Well, even though I warned them to not tell any authorities, Seb told the school and the school knew about it for a long time, but after I threatened my friends with an actual ctb date they called my parents and I was put in a closed psych ward for teenagers in February 2020. If I feel like it I will write a next part soon, about the ward and those past 6 years. If anyone actually read this to this point: thank you.
I just realized this format is fucked up to look at sorry