YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
Hi everyone. I'm still trying to survive.
My inner self was more or less stable since I came out as female transgender. I mean, that hopelessness when I feel as a male extinguished, but I'm in another kind of struggles.
Surprisingly, I healed my grief for losing both of my parents this year, also one loved aunt. It hurt me a lot, surely, but I could handle it. I'm barely managing my gender dysphoria since any non essential treatment in the public healthcare system are halted by he currrent pandemic, and I can't afford any hormones in a third party or something. I accepted that. But my depression hits me for another side: procrastination. I'm unproductive, I can't found myself as a freelancer, I have a lot of struggles to concentrate and focusing in find any little job. Also, there's some discrimination - even silent - to undergraduate people (I had a degree in English and Spanish language and literatures), that you have less probabilitites to be approved in retail store or supermarket jobs since the HR assistants wants people with high school diplomas as maximum. That awful rule, even not written, my therapist explained to me. So I'm struggling to find work opportunities here.
Unfortunately, I will cut out my psychotherapy sessions since I can't pay for it, despite its low price ($15 USD dollars per 40 minute online sessions). For food well, a friend donated some basic items like rice, eggs, sugar, coffee, soap... but I can't sustain myself with her donations all the time. Also, my pride struggled every time when she did that because I thinked that I hitted the bottom of the well for that, when at the beggining of the year I was working with her.
I tried to start working with web design. However, my lack of portfolio blocks me to find clients. I know the basics to prepare a decent website at Wordpress, for example, but that isn't enough to convince people to hire me...
Whatever, I'm in financial distress and unfortunately that triggers my CTB thoughts. This week is crucial to me: if I can't close a deal to do a website to a person, I'm totally broken! I miss pizza, I miss beer, I miss sushi.
The bright side is that I admitted my procrastination problem and I'm trying to organize myself a little bit. I have a friend to help me with that. I hope I can kill that procrastination demon out of my life. I embrace some techniques of organization and time management, with the goal to control myself from distraction, procrastination and lack of motivation.
Anyway, I'm not in inmediate danger of kill myself (I think). But surely I'm in hard times like in past times. I hope I can overcome this, because in past threads in this forum I commented that I want to killl the masculine mask, not the person that I am now.
Finallly, I will write down more often. Writing it's the only way to heal myself. One of my reasons to keep going it's to pursuit a writing carreer, at any level: if I sell only a couple of digital books, that will be fine. If I won the mainstream lottery and I had Youtube reviews and even TV or film versions of my work, awesome! Seriously, writing it's the only way to calm down my inner ghosts, my inner war inside me.
Take care, community.
My inner self was more or less stable since I came out as female transgender. I mean, that hopelessness when I feel as a male extinguished, but I'm in another kind of struggles.
Surprisingly, I healed my grief for losing both of my parents this year, also one loved aunt. It hurt me a lot, surely, but I could handle it. I'm barely managing my gender dysphoria since any non essential treatment in the public healthcare system are halted by he currrent pandemic, and I can't afford any hormones in a third party or something. I accepted that. But my depression hits me for another side: procrastination. I'm unproductive, I can't found myself as a freelancer, I have a lot of struggles to concentrate and focusing in find any little job. Also, there's some discrimination - even silent - to undergraduate people (I had a degree in English and Spanish language and literatures), that you have less probabilitites to be approved in retail store or supermarket jobs since the HR assistants wants people with high school diplomas as maximum. That awful rule, even not written, my therapist explained to me. So I'm struggling to find work opportunities here.
Unfortunately, I will cut out my psychotherapy sessions since I can't pay for it, despite its low price ($15 USD dollars per 40 minute online sessions). For food well, a friend donated some basic items like rice, eggs, sugar, coffee, soap... but I can't sustain myself with her donations all the time. Also, my pride struggled every time when she did that because I thinked that I hitted the bottom of the well for that, when at the beggining of the year I was working with her.
I tried to start working with web design. However, my lack of portfolio blocks me to find clients. I know the basics to prepare a decent website at Wordpress, for example, but that isn't enough to convince people to hire me...
Whatever, I'm in financial distress and unfortunately that triggers my CTB thoughts. This week is crucial to me: if I can't close a deal to do a website to a person, I'm totally broken! I miss pizza, I miss beer, I miss sushi.
The bright side is that I admitted my procrastination problem and I'm trying to organize myself a little bit. I have a friend to help me with that. I hope I can kill that procrastination demon out of my life. I embrace some techniques of organization and time management, with the goal to control myself from distraction, procrastination and lack of motivation.
Anyway, I'm not in inmediate danger of kill myself (I think). But surely I'm in hard times like in past times. I hope I can overcome this, because in past threads in this forum I commented that I want to killl the masculine mask, not the person that I am now.
Finallly, I will write down more often. Writing it's the only way to heal myself. One of my reasons to keep going it's to pursuit a writing carreer, at any level: if I sell only a couple of digital books, that will be fine. If I won the mainstream lottery and I had Youtube reviews and even TV or film versions of my work, awesome! Seriously, writing it's the only way to calm down my inner ghosts, my inner war inside me.
Take care, community.
