Venting Still Searching for a way

[Enigma25]

I am still searching for a way that allows me to pass similarly to SN. I am a tenacious man, and I won't give up, but I am also open minded. It seems as if SN is borderline impossible to get in America in 2025. If that's true, what's the part that doesn't make it COMPLETELY impossible?
Is there a suitable or recommended alternative?

Also wanted to say, part of me feels that once I get my hands on whatever means to die I need, I won't actually do it. Yeah life sucks for me I feel, but I am open to feeling content knowing that I don't have to wait for death, death can wait for me. Maybe knowing I can end it whenever is gonna be enough for me to want to begin again. Until then, I really don't want to wake up tomorrow, and I'm disappointed knowing I likely will. I don't wish this on anyone, but I'm content.

If you know anything, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know. I do want to ctb I DO. But I also know I can't predict the future. I'll exhaust all resources for help before I do it.
Please help if you can or let me know what I need to do to show you I'm serious.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand just wanting the option of a way to be free from it all, it feels so cruel to me how there isn't the option to just cease existing in peace in an guaranteed way. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the relief you search for.