Venting Still really want to live but not like this

[hobbydevil]

And there's no way to change my situation for the better.

I am nervous about sharing my story, so I'm going to keep this vague... I fucked up my life. Badly. Made so many wrong and short-sighted decisions, and trusted all the wrong therapists and doctors who probably were happy to make money off of my self-hatred and pain.
Trusted a medical system that, at its core, doesn't really give a fuck about people like me.
As a result I am now at risk for a ton of health complications later in life and am irreparably "damaged". Reliant on doctors. Plus depressed and frankly... traumatized because of it.

I am... ashamed of how much my life has been derailed in the past four years.
What happened to the mentally unstable but at least somewhat optimistic girl I was at age 19?
I feel like I killed her.

The most painful part is: I am still so aware of all the things I would have wanted out of life, had the past few years gone differently. There's so many things I am still passionate about... In theory.
It's all under the premise that I could go back in time to four years ago.

The way my life and my health is now it's just... All not worth it to me. Can't do the things I'd like to. Even lost the one person I loved the most because of all of it, too.
Not to mention the constant anguish from knowing that this could have been avoided had I simply accessed different doctors, different treatment! Hindsight is 20/20... And it hurts like hell.

I am so stuck in nostalgia for the past it's killing me.

I've always known that I would quit life earlier than usual and likely die by my own hands, but I really wouldn't have imagined it to go like this and for me to feel this... sad and angry about it.

Sorry everyone, just venting...

(On top of my permanent issues I broke my foot earlier this month and needed surgery to fix it. I will need another surgery this time next year to remove the material inserted to help my bone heal.
It's such a bitter irony to take care of my foot like this while I am hoping to not even be alive next year.)

 

[Rachel74]

I couldn't have written that myself. I do want to live but not with this illness. If I didn't have this I'd be happy. It's so sad that it's just one thing that is stopping me enjoying my life.

 

[Sadwind]

I feel the exact same way. I want to be different so badly. I don't know how to escape what I've done to my life and myself. It feels too much for me to tackle.

If i come off my anti-psychotic medication I will become irrationally suicidal, obsessed with the past and my death. I will have flashes of horrible, harmful things I could do to myself. The only thing stopping me from being insane is medicine, and that is barely holding me on. I know it's there, underneath it all I am empty and crazy. I'm broken beyond repair.

I know how you feel.