Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
Answering shit. It's pointless. I can't go on like this. Was going to disable my account but forgot the password then worried I wouldn't be able to get in again if I needed to
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
Does talking to us help at all? If not a break might help you clear your mind. I wish there was more I could do to help you feel less sad.
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
Maybe just a break without disabling might help? I stepped away from the forum for a few months to kind of reset.
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
Aww, I honestly didn't expect anyone to remember me. It made me hesitate to start posting again. I was actually glad to see both of you still here. Lots of new faces...
I'm not sure if it changed much at all, but I think not seeing/feeling the compulsion to address 10,000 SN questions every day kind of helped get it off my mind. I started to feel a little less numb maybe, but that coincided with obsessive distraction. So it might have been that instead.
Recently I've been feeling much worse and unstable again, and I felt like this was a good outlet. It's frustrating to not be able to tell people the whole story about things I'm feeling. It makes it appear like less is wrong with me and I'm just being dumb and stubborn when I can't.
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
Even now there's a shit ton I want to say but none of it changes what happened. The energies better spent preparing to end it or giving it one last go to make it tolerable which I'm not going to do by revelling in it. Other people are more likely to make it worse even if it's completely involuntarily. It's nice to have an outlet but I've been here two years and whenever I go to answer "anyone else" questions I just think if they cared they'd know by now. I don't hold it against them but everyone's wrapped up in their own stuff and I'm getting nothing from it. As I say it changes nothing it can only add to my problems. My girlfriends the reason to keep going not this. The one who'd really feel my absence. I shouldn't feel bad for people here that I'm not around, I doubt it would make much difference. In the end the only person I need to answer to is me
Aw, it's not that we don't care. It gets hard to remember so many peoples details. I remember specific peoples stuff more than others, you being of them. If it's feeling hollow to you then you're likely right about better places to focus. You do matter, and I would notice if you were gone. I would miss your cynical little kitty face. I do hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do.
I was glad to see you and a few other old names as well. It made coming back less lonely, and it was sad to see how many from those days were crossed out. It's nice meeting new people too though.
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Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
If I do end it no one has to know. So anyone who does care has one less thing to get depressed about. They can imagine whatever's comforting to them. If I was certain I don't think I'd feel compelled to tell anyone other than to make sure I'm doing it right. I should clarify that now so I don't have to come back for that reason. If it was for that reason people may enjoy my return from the dead but it would be short lived
TattiQueen
Student
- Sep 12, 2020
- 111
I find it quite refreshing to hear you speak of concern for others. I also deal with similar thoughts, emotions, worries, and so on. It's up and down as to whether to share it or just keep it private and move along. I haven't been here very long, but found for myself that I am more likely to speak up when I feel an emotional reaction (if that makes any sense?) to the OP. I know we've never spoken, but this evoked a response in me. Not sure what that really matters, but glad you started this thread.
I've also been here a long time. I do not know why I haven't done it. The main reason is my mother and worrying about her reaction. But I have to ask myself do I really want to ctb if I've had ample opportunity to do it and I haven't?
BipolarGuy
Enlightened
- Aug 6, 2020
- 1,456
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
Well rather than disable my account I logged out just to see how long I'd go. Not very but I'm glad I came back or I wouldn't have seen these messages. Changed password so if I disable account should I be able to get back in if necessary? I don't know if it will be. I've bookmarked Stans guide which is all I need if I'm going to take SN. My problem is a unique one and I'm really only torturing myself being here. It's one thing getting people to understand it's another them being able to help in any way. If I need an outlet there's always my girlfriend as unfair as that seems. This is all unfair on her. She's all I'm living for but even she says she can't keep doing this. I'm just distracting and not facing it. We just have different ideas of what putting an end to it means. She wants me to see someone. I have big problems with that. I went through all that and it's partly why I'm here. I did it for other people and I'd be being asked to again. I cringe every time I think about it. I never used a forum which is what I needed to do. I've no good reason why but it's no use using one now. I probably do need to see someone but it's like going to a hypnotist to deal with your fear of hypnotists. I've ruined it for myself. I shouldn't blame them I should blame myself but I don't know if that makes it any easier. I could have been helped so easily I've no reason to trust any of them. I've stopped taking my pills because I never should have started them in the first place. What I really need is the therapist from Being Erica.
Come and go as you need friend. As long as I'm here I'll always welcome you back with open arms. I completely understand how hard it is carrying on for others. Thank you for being you and talking to me, and all the posts you've made. I hope things work out for you, but if they don't I hope you find the peace you desire.
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
No this has destroyed my relationship with my family. It was putting my life in their hands that's ruined it so I won't feel too bad for them. In fact they're lucky I'm still alive. I said time and again what would help and I was just ignored like the boy who cried wolf. This is when I needed to take matters into my own hands but I never did and I have to live with that everyday. I remember everything except why. I can only speculate and frankly none of it's good enough. I wish I could forget the whole thing I really do. Have a relationship with my family again as well as my girlfriend who I hardly let near me anymore.
GravityUtilizer
Born to lose
- May 22, 2020
- 737
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,622
She has a habit of making me feel guilty which is when I get less sympathetic towards her and think fuck this but then she'd feel guilty and that's the last thing I want. It's not that I shouldn't feel guilty anyway for how I neglect this relationship it's only because I'm already dealing with my own guilt none of which is her fault. We both have the same problem in this relationship. Me. We just disagree on what to do about it
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