Still here --damn it

[TiredHorse]

Made a lurching grab at The Bus on Tuesday morning, early. Exit bag/N2. My second try in ten days. No luck. No fault of the method. I got a few breaths of N2 into me, and my hands went tingly, and I started to get light-headed, and... I backed out.

So here I (still) am.

Fuck.

Maybe third time is the charm?

 

[littlelungs]

Made a lurching grab at The Bus on Tuesday morning, early. Exit bag/N2. My second try in ten days. No luck. No fault of the method. I got a few breaths of N2 into me, and my hands went tingly, and I started to get light-headed, and... I backed out.

So here I (still) am.

Fuck.

Maybe third time is the charm?

I'm happy to see you here, but I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Survival instinct is THE BIGGEST son of all the bitches, as far as I'm concerned.

 

[Trashcan]

The survival instinct is a bitch. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

[TiredHorse]

It is truly astonishing how long that moment can stretch, between pulling the bag down over my face and blacking out. More than ever I see the appeal of an instantaneous method like gunshot or a non-reverseable one like N.

Also astonishing is how much worse I feel after each failure. I know no one is tapping their foot, expecting me to succceed (except maybe me), but the drop in self-esteem after a failure is pretty amazing. Anyone reading this, yet to make their first try, should be aware of the possibility of that post-attempt crash.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Take your time. At some point life will be bad enough that you'll be able to overcome your instinct. But having failed in the past, I know how bad it can hit you. I'm sorry.

 

[BurningLights]

It just wasn't your time to go, when other is we will know. I'm sorry your feeling low, but know iis a step closer, you have built a bridge of courage even if you don't see it yet. Stay strong tiredhorse, for when you so go, it will be all good in the end.

 

[worldexploder]

I'm sorry things hasn't worked out so far. When you blacked out was everything still running when u woke up?

 

[TiredHorse]

Thanks, folks. "Feeling low" covers it pretty well. Exhausted, frustrated, and bleak.

When you blacked out was everything still running when unwoke up?

Sadly, I backed out, not bLacked out --though I should have chosen my words better to avoid the potential misunderstanding. Sorry.

So no, I never actually blacked out, just got tingly in my hands and a bit fuzzy around the edges of my vision. Then survival-mode kicked in and I pulled the bag up --and shut off the gas, so I didn't waste it for another attempt.

 

[worldexploder]

Thanks, folks. "Feeling low" covers it pretty well. Exhausted, frustrated, and bleak.

Sadly, I backed out, not bLacked out --though I should have chosen my words better to avoid the potential misunderstanding. Sorry.

So no, I never actually blacked out, just got tingly in my hands and a bit fuzzy around the edges of my vision. Then survival-mode kicked in and I pulled the bag up --and shut off the gas, so I didn't waste it for another attempt.

It's ok buddy. I got dyslexia anyway and often misread things. Sounds like even though there wasn't any physical agony the panic response still kicked in. Makes me wonder how I'm gonna handle the NNM

 

[Retched]

It is truly astonishing how long that moment can stretch, between pulling the bag down over my face and blacking out. More than ever I see the appeal of an instantaneous method like gunshot or a non-reverseable one like N.

Also astonishing is how much worse I feel after each failure. I know no one is tapping their foot, expecting me to succceed (except maybe me), but the drop in self-esteem after a failure is pretty amazing. Anyone reading this, yet to make their first try, should be aware of the possibility of that post-attempt crash.

The failure is rather a rather intimidating sadness afterwards.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

That not again feeling after failing again is horrible. Speaking from my own experience, it's best to let things settle a bit before having another go or you'll just end up with similar results and just end up feeling worse.

 

[TiredHorse]

Sounds like even though there wasn't any physical agony the panic response still kicked in.

No, no pain at all. My hands started to feel like they were going to sleep, and I got a little dizzy, but there was no physical pain and none of the hyperventilation/desperation of the hypercapnic alarm I've felt when I just put the bag over my head and turned the remaining air into CO2 during practice runs with the bag. I thought (or hoped) those practice runs would help me remain calm for the N2 and dull the survival flinch, but mostly all they've done is get me used to looking out through a fogged-up bag.

That not again feeling after failing again is horrible. Speaking from my own experience, it's best to let things settle a bit before having another go or you'll just end up with similar results and just end up feeling worse.

Yeah, it's pretty awful. And yes, I've decided to do as you suggest and give it a few days. Maybe November 11? Armistice Day, a time for seeking peace. I don't know; trying to pick a date by anything other than when it feels right may not make ctb any easier.

 

[TheLastTrip]

I am sorry you had another failure bud, and yes from experience with 4 failed attempts (in my childhood) I know that crushing despair afterwards.

We're here for you though and it doesn't matter how many times you fail, you only need to succeed once

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

Yeah.. attempting in the moment certainly has some benefits mentally but so many drawbacks too. It's a bit of a rock and hard place scenario sometimes.