Story Still don’t know if I want to die

[snowy_summer]

I'm still not even sure if I want to die. I've already had my method planned for about a year at this point, maybe longer. I planned to attempt in early December last year. I picked out the date a month before hand but two days before I got scared really really bad by SI. I couldn't tell any of my friends because we were not close like that and I had no one to even talk to so I panicked and stupidly vented in my discord bio (a lot of my friends prefer discord over text for some reason) that I thought no one would check. Long story short one of my friends saw it and stopped me by saying he would CTB too if I did (one of my biggest rules is to not physically hurt anyone else with my attempt)
For the past few months I've been trying to get better but it's not working at all and honestly I don't even think I want to get better. Not being suicidal feels scary to me. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to still CTB. It's all I think about sometimes and it's so alluring to me
If I were to plan another date I would need to cut off my friend, probably get into a really bad argument and make him hate me first

 

[toyu]

I'm still not even sure if I want to die. I've already had my method planned for about a year at this point, maybe longer. I planned to attempt in early December last year. I picked out the date a month before hand but two days before I got scared really really bad by SI. I couldn't tell any of my friends because we were not close like that and I had no one to even talk to so I panicked and stupidly vented in my discord bio (a lot of my friends prefer discord over text for some reason) that I thought no one would check. Long story short one of my friends saw it and stopped me by saying he would CTB too if I did (one of my biggest rules is to not physically hurt anyone else with my attempt)
For the past few months I've been trying to get better but it's not working at all and honestly I don't even think I want to get better. Not being suicidal feels scary to me. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to still CTB. It's all I think about sometimes and it's so alluring to me
If I were to plan another date I would need to cut off my friend, probably get into a really bad argument and make him hate me first

I think if you are on the fence about it you should not. Not feeling suicidal feels scary because it's all you've known, and being miserable is the path of least resistance. Death feels like an escape from all your problems, but I think you should try your best to continue on if you feel unsure. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[ohwowlovely]

yeah I agree w toyu, don't if you are not sure. I think of it as an emergency exit. the option is always there, you sound interested in it, but it isn't something you have to do right now. if there's even a chance you still have the faith (this is a good thing), don't. I think when people talk about the view from halfway down they are people who ultimately were still on the fence. if there's a part of you that doesn't want this, you will spend your final moments in doubt. you shouldn't have to have that biting on you when you're going home. you don't deserve that