Still confused...

[Doomcat]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting but I've been lurking on the site for almost a year. When I first got here, I was actively planning my suicide. In fact, I had picked a method (full suspension), date (right after the new year) and had made arrangement (suicide notes, leaving money to my husband, etc). I went
to therapy thinking it would provide my loved ones with some solace (at least I had done everything I could). From there they medicated me pretty heavily and I've been with my therapist with almost a year. Everyone says I'm better, and I do act better. And in a way, I feel a little better (I can laugh and have good days), but my lows are actually getting much worse. I'm just much better at hiding things. I'm starting to lean back toward the idea of suicide, simply because the idea of keeping up this effort to live is so exhausting. I don't feel depressed (as in exhausted and numb) as I did before, but I'm struggling with holding onto reality (thanks to to meds) and I just can't get comfortable in my own skin. I feel like my therapist tells me things just because it's his job and my medications are changing the actual structure of my brain and I don't know who I am anymore. Sorry, I think I'm rambling. I guess my question is there anyone else out there that has people in their life insisting that they are getting better but are actually feeling worse? I just can't see a future for me.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

I can relate. I too was on medication and it did work for a time but then it started to mess with my head and therapy had only limited effectiveness. I am seeing a new therapist now but I don't think it will work. I have very few people in my life and they only say occasionally that I am doing well but I just feel numb and apathetic about life. I feel like I have contributed all I have and given all I can and I can't see a future for myself either.

Whatever you decide I hope you find peace.

 

[SinisterKid]

Hi and welcome.

Sadly, its the nature of the beast we live with. We feel a little better today and everyone thinks thats it, we are cured. Medicine really is a wonderful thing. If only it was that simple huh. I have just clawed my way out of the worst darkness I have ever found myself in. I was told a year ago, I was stable. Hmm, if thats stable I dread to think what unstable feels like. But yeah, I relate very well to feeling lower each time I fall.

I often think that if many of us were to get on to a screen, we would undoubtedly win Oscars because we become so good at acting. The only way we can keep our liberty in tact is by acting. Tell them the truth and get locked up for it. Very civilised. So we lie, we act and everyone believes what they want to believe whilst we suffer in silence. Thank the powers that be for places like this forum where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal, unless you ordered N recently, then it gets a bit tricky by all accounts.

 

[pole]

Yeah, my best friends who know I'm depressed and kind of why i am. They just fail to realize my luck and sadness truly and thoroughly. And so, since they don't, they think it's just a temporary thing that'll go away and that the futures gonna be better for me and that things get better over time and you just have to keep fighting. But I haven't got better, I'm still trying but it seems I just keep getting worse when trying to get better.

 

[Doomcat]

Thank you. It just feels like I've only accomplished the opposite of what I wanted. I thought going to the therapist would give my loved ones a sense of "she did what she could and was beyond being helped," but it's starting to feel like it will be "I thought she was better, how could she do this".

I'm sorry that you say you have few people in your life. I hope you find peace as well, whatever happens.

Hi and welcome.

Sadly, its the nature of the beast we live with. We feel a little better today and everyone thinks thats it, we are cured. Medicine really is a wonderful thing. If only it was that simple huh. I have just clawed my way out of the worst darkness I have ever found myself in. I was told a year ago, I was stable. Hmm, if thats stable I dread to think what unstable feels like. But yeah, I relate very well to feeling lower each time I fall.

I often think that if many of us were to get on to a screen, we would undoubtedly win Oscars because we become so good at acting. The only way we can keep our liberty in tact is by acting. Tell them the truth and get locked up for it. Very civilised. So we lie, we act and everyone believes what they want to believe whilst we suffer in silence. Thank the powers that be for places like this forum where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal, unless you ordered N recently, then it gets a bit tricky by all accounts.

Yeah, I've been "warned" by my therapist to stay off here. He thinks it will encourage me to kill myself, but I come to this forum just to see that there are others out there that feel like I do. It makes me sad to know that anyone else is going through this, but still it gives me some comfort to know it's not just me.

Yeah, my best friends who know I'm depressed and kind of why i am. They just fail to realize my luck and sadness truly and thoroughly. And so, since they don't, they think it's just a temporary thing that'll go away and that the futures gonna be better for me and that things get better over time and you just have to keep fighting. But I haven't got better, I'm still trying but it seems I just keep getting worse when trying to get better.

I'm trying to fight who I am, but I'm so tired of acting "normal". I'm sorry you feel this way too.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

Yes my therapist said that I should not come on here and that I need to make an appointment with my doctor. I've been to my doctor and it did nothing useful other than medication which did not last.

I put on a brave face for those that I talk to and, when I interact with another that I haven't seen in a while then I appear fine but the pain or emptiness returns when I leave. It is exhausting putting on a brave face.

 

[k75]

My best friend actually just told me I seem so much better right now, which I think is kind of hilarious, because when he said that, I was actively fantasizing about how I'm planning on doing it and when. I guess I've just learned to hide my true feelings better. Unsure if this is a good or bad development.

 

[21Neberg]

My best friend actually just told me I seem so much better right now, which I think is kind of hilarious, because when he said that, I was actively fantasizing about how I'm planning on doing it and when. I guess I've just learned to hide my true feelings better. Unsure if this is a good or bad development.

I'm in your exact shoes. It sucks so much to have to lie to everyone, but in the end it's for the better. Because when I kill myself, I want the pain to end with me and not to pass it on to anyone else.