J
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Member
- Jul 8, 2020
- 36
Clearly, lol.
Anyway I have a history with this site. Remembered my user and all that. I still think about suicide constantly, multiple times a day. Had a few attempts, but no serious ones after the last one I posted about. I was too embarrassed to log back on after that. I just felt so ashamed, like I'm a failure at everything, I can't even die right. 2 years ago I got a cat and I haven't attempted since then but I have a new date set for Sept 29. Still with that same friend from my previous posts.
I don't even know what this is. It's everything I guess, venting and asking for advice and anything else that comes to mind all at the same time. I feel so badly like I'm just so fucked beyond help. I blow all my money, I push away everyone in my life except for my friend but my friendship with her is dysfunctional and it's a whole separate issue. I have developed substance problems since I last posted-- not anything major but for sure impacting my life. My best friend, I feel so dependent on her. She's my only support she is the only person who has ever understood me and who I've been able to connect with like this I feel like I am her I feel like we're the same person. I also found out I'm bipolar. I don't even know where I'm going with this
Anyway on that date I'm planning to take basically a pill cocktail. I'm gonna smoke however much weed I have to calm my nerves. I'll put on a movie to play in the background while we slip away. I'll set up a noose, do partial suspension again. I'll pre-emptively put my head in in case I get to drunk and pass out. Because at that point we'll split a bottle of vodka and down our pills. Probably some benzos, benadryl, anti emetics, oxy, and barbituates and ket if I can find any. If I'm still conscious when I finish it all then I'll lean into the noose and hang myself just to be sure, and if I'm not conscious I'll already be hanging. Is there any chance I'll live do you think?
Anyway I have a history with this site. Remembered my user and all that. I still think about suicide constantly, multiple times a day. Had a few attempts, but no serious ones after the last one I posted about. I was too embarrassed to log back on after that. I just felt so ashamed, like I'm a failure at everything, I can't even die right. 2 years ago I got a cat and I haven't attempted since then but I have a new date set for Sept 29. Still with that same friend from my previous posts.
I don't even know what this is. It's everything I guess, venting and asking for advice and anything else that comes to mind all at the same time. I feel so badly like I'm just so fucked beyond help. I blow all my money, I push away everyone in my life except for my friend but my friendship with her is dysfunctional and it's a whole separate issue. I have developed substance problems since I last posted-- not anything major but for sure impacting my life. My best friend, I feel so dependent on her. She's my only support she is the only person who has ever understood me and who I've been able to connect with like this I feel like I am her I feel like we're the same person. I also found out I'm bipolar. I don't even know where I'm going with this
Anyway on that date I'm planning to take basically a pill cocktail. I'm gonna smoke however much weed I have to calm my nerves. I'll put on a movie to play in the background while we slip away. I'll set up a noose, do partial suspension again. I'll pre-emptively put my head in in case I get to drunk and pass out. Because at that point we'll split a bottle of vodka and down our pills. Probably some benzos, benadryl, anti emetics, oxy, and barbituates and ket if I can find any. If I'm still conscious when I finish it all then I'll lean into the noose and hang myself just to be sure, and if I'm not conscious I'll already be hanging. Is there any chance I'll live do you think?