Venting Staying positive is super hard right now

[lwovely]

I struggle with clinical depression and it's been something I have been dealing with ever since I was a young child. There are moments where everything is going okay and that I am on a good path but it's so hard. I just wish I never had this illness because it's such a pain to deal with everyday. I always have this weight in my heart that never goes away and dealing with executive dysfunction is terrible. Assignments I have to do that I will push off because I simply can't do it. House that keeps getting dirtier because I just do not have the strength to do it whatsoever. I will always have to curl up on my bed and ask why am I the way I am.

I'm scared im going to fail at life, I know I am only 19 but I just feel like I am losing my mind. I try so hard to stay positive but gosh ending it sometimes seems so convincing. I know I should be grateful, my school is being paid off, I have a partner that loves and adores me, and I don't have to worry financially but even with these things that I; how can I appreciate it when I am so depressed? I feel the urge to break up with him because I don't know if I will live enough to make him happy. I just feel like a failure and I honestly do not know what to do. I feel so empty and lost.

 

[Lost Magic]

God, you are really young. Have you tried speaking to a doctor and maybe try anti-depressants? Try and reach out for help before considering anything else. Life is not easy. I can't sugar coat that but exhaust all options to help yourself get through the hard times. Best of luck to you going forward!

 

[lwovely]

God, you are really young. Have you tried speaking to a doctor and maybe try anti-depressants? Try and reach out for help before considering anything else. Life is not easy. I can't sugar coat that but exhaust all options to help yourself get through the hard times. Best of luck to you going forward!

Yes I've spoken to my family doctor and tried antidepressants through my psychiatrist. That did not go well, it only worsen my depression so all I've been doing is just pushing through it. I'm a bit nervous to try again because I overdosed on the second medication they tried to put me on. I'm not so sure if I will be able to try again.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes I've spoken to my family doctor and tried antidepressants through my psychiatrist. That did not go well, it only worsen my depression so all I've been doing is just pushing through it. I'm a bit nervous to try again because I overdosed on the second medication they tried to put me on. I'm not so sure if I will be able to try again.

I understand. They don't work well for everybody. Another thing to consider is Kratom tea. Bali/Red vein strains are good for depression. Personally, I use Red Borneo. It takes the edge of somewhat. I'm sure others on the site will have other suggestions that may help too. Try and find things that work for you. I'm sure something will help.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

You're very young, I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed for so long. Since a young child...that's almost no opportunity to know how living normally emotionally is like. That can morph your perspective of yourself and the world a lot. I know I have memories of how life was like when I was happy, more than 15 years ago. Not having that must be very hard to deal with.

Like @Lost Magic has said, I encourage you to exhaust all options around you if you can. Your problems may be fixable, it's worth exploring if you're still considering recovering. Obviously, you are an adult and it's your life and your choice, but if there are still paths to explore, they may be worth taking.

Try not to blame yourself for having difficulty to appreciate the good things in your life. I truly believe that years of depression can physically change your brain and affect that capability of positive thinking. A member on SaSu once shared a very interesting article about this where scientists checked the brains of people who died from suicide and their brains had physical differences that would limit how much those people could create those sorts of positive thoughts and other neural pathways. I don't remember everything from the top of my head now but I hope this helps relieve some of that pressure for gratitude. I wish you all the best ❤

 

[Goosechan]

I know I should be grateful, my school is being paid off, I have a partner that loves and adores me, and I don't have to worry financially

Life can get so complicated and feelings can get complicated too. But you're allowed to feel multiple things at once. You can be appreciative about the things that are going well for you while you can also have a totally really and totally valid depression. It took me a while myself to understand that two seemingly controversial things or feelings could both hold truth.
I also get that you're tired. Being depressed is seriously hard. You carry it around with everything you do.

feel the urge to break up with him because I don't know if I will live enough to make him happy. I just feel like a failure and I honestly do not know what to do. I feel so empty and lost.

My partner always tells me that only he's the judge of how happy I make him, not me. I wanna break up when my (mental) illness flares up all the time. It can be scary and hard to trust an SO on this. How can they not be biased or saying what you wanna hear because they love you? But trusting them is actually one of the most loving things you can do for him.
I know it's scary not to know what to do and you're just only coming off of meds that turned out not to be for you and an OD attempt. Those are big things. You're still young. You're allowed to make any decision you want about your life. No meds or trying meds again. Staying together or breaking up. Committing to managing depression or committing to CTB. But please, allow yourself to process the big feelings of recent events first and don't make any rash decisions. There's plenty of strategies to try at this point for you if you wanna commit to mental illness management, even if they seem far away or impossible right now.
For now I hope you can rest and be gentle to yourself, you sound very considerate and like someone who tries their best