AmanSilvers
normal guy
- Mar 3, 2026
- 4
I would have sent myself off to the great beyond a long time ago if it weren't for my partner, but I don't feel like I deserve it.
I don't have the will to actually ctb anymore because I don't want to hurt him. He is in school to get a fancy degree and he has good prospects. I would hate to interrupt that and make things worse for him. I am really down right now and maybe I don't always consciously think this but it I'm just here so I don't set off a nuclear bomb on his life. I've been feeling like this on and off for years. Sometimes it feels like he loves the potential version of me that is not depressed. The version of me that doesn't exist.
I feel kind of guilty for feeling this way because I know there are a lot of people that don't even have someone there for them at all. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't helpful.
I have booked my first appointment with a therapist so hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.
I don't have the will to actually ctb anymore because I don't want to hurt him. He is in school to get a fancy degree and he has good prospects. I would hate to interrupt that and make things worse for him. I am really down right now and maybe I don't always consciously think this but it I'm just here so I don't set off a nuclear bomb on his life. I've been feeling like this on and off for years. Sometimes it feels like he loves the potential version of me that is not depressed. The version of me that doesn't exist.
I feel kind of guilty for feeling this way because I know there are a lot of people that don't even have someone there for them at all. Maybe that sort of thinking isn't helpful.
I have booked my first appointment with a therapist so hopefully I can eventually untangle all of this and be the version of me he sees instead of being the miserable fuck I've been this whole time.
